I am somewhere in between not knowing what it feels like and pretending it feels okay.

Wednesday December 26th: Boxing Day! It’s the second biggest shopping day of the year, and what better than to spend the afternoon across town with the girls!
 
Male love interest;
 
+ name; Mathias Federico Boulle
+ nickname; Mat, Bou,
+ age; eighteen,senior
+ family; Clemence Felton-Boulle (39) and Sebastian Boulle (44)

+ past/current relationships; Is currently dating Olivia Benedict (Leighton Meester)
+ dating status;taken
+ model; Ed Westwick
 
Story
I hurried down my stairs as I had return to my own apartment for the day. Mother and Father still had been in town but now that I had my own place I missed it . I missed the silence,I missed my apartment. But most of all I need to get away from that family . My Aunt is crazy. My excuse to flee was that one I had most of my clothing at my place and two I had promised Veronica that I would go shopping with her. Which was not a lie but really to do that I could have just left from my parents place. The true reason I returned was him.
"Yana",I heard his voice call my name. How nice did my name sound out of his mouth ?
"Mat",I smiled sweetly.
" Back already? I thought you were staying with your parents",he asked me.
"I am but had to get something before going shopping"i replied.
"Ah,so you not back all together",he said sounding sad.
"Sadly not till the new year",I told him.
He had a sad expression in his face.
"I have been awfully bored without you here. I knocked for you yesterday only to remember that you weren't here. I can't seem to do anything without you.
Date Night was on",he told me. I wanted to smile when he said he couldn't do anything without me but I refrained from it. Because I started to remember.
Why I need to stop liking him. He was a friend. A friend. My next door neighbour. A friend. And what we did our relationship was completely healthy.
It wasn't but only I knew that and well Veronica but she promised not to pry and poke at it. Because I am sort of in denial.
"Well I will be back soon and then I will make sure you won't be bored. Promise",I told him.
"If you break your promise you will have to give me one of your bento boxes",he told me.
I looked at him shocked.
"That I can't bargain for . I am sorry. Those are my precious. Don't make me turn into Gollum",I told him. He laughed hearty. He looked at me with that kind gaze of his.
"Oh your never ending Lord of the Rings references. Haha ,anyhow I have to rush. Meeting the girlfriend. Gotta pretend I like Starbucks when I really don't. See you soon",he said and off he was. I lingered on that spot for a while until I myself decided to leave.
 
When I first moved into this apartment complex my parents made sure that I was on a floor with as little people as possible. They said its fro privacy and I really didn't mind. So my only neighbour was Mathias. He is a senior at the boys school and I had seen him around a few times but I knew that he didn't know who I was. So here I was sharing the floor with him. We saw each other a few times in the hallways. He was kind he smiled and I smiled as well.
But then one day ,it was two weeks before the term would have started,my first real year of school.
We were in the elevator together,by chance he spoke and I as well mannered as I was taught to be .
But that responds turned into ,conversations in the hallway. To being invited to each others homes,to sharing tea in the morning,to making dinner together,to watching films and make fun of people. I turned into staying up all night watching the New York skyline from our balconies together.It turned into keeping each other company when we felt lonely.]
I first thought it was simple friendship but soon after I knew and I hated that I knew that for me it was much more then that. I missed his company too often. Wanted to see him in the hallways,steal a glimpse or two. But I couldn't give in to such feelings. Because I knew that he had a girlfriend. I always knew. Before we even spoke.They were quite the couple but even thought I knew I couldn't help myself.
Veronica advised to keep my distances. Let myself be friend zoned. And I have let myself do that but still here he was saying things like " I can't do anything without you ?". How am I suppose to understand that? Here he was always seeking my company.
Of course my heart would beat too fast for me to process. But here I am again.
Knowing oh I know well that its as hopeless. I drew the japanese character for people on my wrist and swallowed it. It is believed to make you less anxious.
I always did that when I thought about him.
I pushed those thoughts out of my head.
Friends.
Friends.
Friends. That's all will ever be.
 
My phone buzzed. I smiled.
It was Veronica.
Shopping.
Yes. The perfect distraction.