Happy Easter everyone!
I could tag tons of people in here who mean a lot to me , but I won't do that. The people who are meant to will see this set anyway.
So, long time no see or better no write/read. When did I post my last blog set? I can't even remember. Maybe because I didn't want to talk about the things which are wrong or not that good. But a special person on here made me notice one thing (you know who you are): If I'm not there for you, you will hate me. And I'll hate myself for it, too. I already do. Because there's one point. You have always been there for me, at least some of you (again you know who you are). And I might need that again now. And it's plain bitchyy that I didn't fully give that back during the last time. I'm so sorry for that, for not answering messages and such. Not only sorry, I want to apologize for it. I feel horrible for not knowing what's going on. And yes, maybe it would be a distraction from my own problems, to talk to others.
So here you go if you even want to read that. There was this boy who I, well, liked. We chatted on Facebook and even wanted to meet. Great, you could say. Yes, it would have been great. But I found out that this was his pattern. I guess he didn't even care about which girl he would date. So, I totally said no and from then, we didn't have contact anymore. And now he has a girlfriend. Ugh, such a cute couple. My first thought was: Oh, how cute. Not. And the second one: This could have been me. Again. I kicked him out of my friends list and everything, but it hurt. I guess it was also my ego.
When it comes to boys and my outward appearance, I have a low self-esteem anyway, I can't help it. There's barely someone who says: Wow, you look great with your hair like that. At least there are no boys who are even interested, it's a different thing with friends. I always think that I won't meet a boy who really likes me. And there are so much more things. I feel like I could cry, though I never do.
Then there's this problem wit my "bestie". Well, at least she belongs to my closest friends and we used to hang out a lot together. But she's changing. She won't even come to my party for obviously ridiculous reasons. We don't even talk that much anymore and I don't know what happened or why she acts like that. It gets worse and worse. And I'm sure talking to her wouldn't change that at all.
Plus, there are those regular fears, for example school. I'm so afraid of failing that I can't relax, not even during vacations. What if I don't have the grades I need? But... for what exactly would I need them? I want to study, yes, but I don't know which subject and it's just annoying. Being afraid without a real goal... then what's it worth?
You see, there are so many questions going round and round in my head and I can't stop them. But writing about it (no matter if anybody reads it or not) helps a bit.