I can't sleep Dx


Okay. You can do it, Dillon, it’s easy, I pushed myself off, trying to give myself a confidence. I was about to call Jane—one of Alex’s friends—that night. I was all alone in my apartment (my golden retriever dog, Billy-Jean wasn’t counted), just watched American Football and drank some Guinness. I would crack some coke to give me high self-confidence. Eff, what the fuck happened with me? I couldn’t even remember Jane’s hair color. I thought it was... red (or blonde)? Oh, no, black. Eh, black was Alex’s. No. What was Jane’s last name? Huh.

So I called Kelly.
“Hey. Whatcha’ doing?” I asked, doing bullshit with my TV remote. I changed the channel each second. I stopped at MTV when Kelly answered, “Eh... nothing. Just reading Vogue and well, planning to go to a bar. Wanna come with me?”

“No, thanks. I’m just kinda... nervous.” I chuckled, laughing softly at the moment. Heh, I was such a girl. Uh, that was annoying. I wanted to do something to make me... believe... that I was into her. Into JANE. 

What’s her last name, man? The question hit my head. Fuck. 

“Why? Tell me. What happened?” I heard Kelly paused before she continued, “Have a problem with a guy?” 

“Hell no! It’s about a girl. So yeah, Alex—my real gay friend—introduced me to someone named Jane. And she’s nice, quite pretty and less-saying. Nah, I wanted to phone her, and you know, I feel... nervous. I don’t know. I can’t even feel my feet; I should run to calm myself down.” So I ran across the room, but I still felt horrible. 

“Hey, it’s okay. If you like her, you have to call her, no matter what or who stands in your way. You should walk through them. And eff yeah, is this Jane girl likes you or something? Do you want to date her?”

I felt exhausted. Where did she know? Why did girl know so MUCH about a guy? Woah, I won’t make myself look stupid in front of another girl. “I might be... wanted to. Yeah.” 

“Dillon, you’re weird. What do you mean with ‘might’? OMG, I gotta go to the bar. You have to phone her, Dill, and tell me the story, kay?” She sounded so hurried, gasping loudly and making noisy with her closet.

“Okay. Bye.” 

After walked my dog (at 9 PM, lol) around the block and felt better, I decided to call Jane. The phone rang for four times, and she answered the call with a groan. “Hmm. Dillon, yeah?” 

“Yeah, Jane, it’s me.”

“What’s up?” She asked, but I could feel she didn’t really pay attention on my call. I heard someone giggled on her back.. maybe a girl. Maybe her friend or something. 

“Nothing much.”


“—I just wanted to ask you to go somewhere, maybe on Sunday?” I sounded careless, but also sweet and caring. How could I sound like that in once? 

She didn’t say anything, but eventually she said, “Is it a kind... of... mmm... a date?” 


“So—sorry. I can’t... I meant, I can’t go with you.” She gasped, and suddenly I felt a little bit upset, but also relieved. 

“Why? Do you have a boyfriend?” I tried to sound casual as always, like I didn’t really need her and everything.

She paused. It was strange. I knew she didn’t say a lot, but now she paused like a thousand times, it made me felt bad. Like I wanted to kill her if she spelled something wrong. 

“I can’t date a guy.” 

And I understood.

I was reading a book, HOMO SEXUALITY by D.J. West. It helped me a lot to understand them. I’ll throw up in Alex’s face tomorrow like what my dad did to him a few days ago. I remembered Emma at the moment, and I felt like I had to call her. 

“Emma, it’s me.” I whispered softly, it was about 11 PM.

“Hey. I know. So... there’s something with Jane?”

“Yeah. She rejects me.” 

“How sad,” Emma said in a classic tone, I couldn’t catch her feelings (if she felt bad for me, like a friend, etc.). 

“No problem,” I wondered, and after a few second I added, “She’s lesbian.”
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