ll Perfume - Britney Spears ll
Belle had been practicing all week. I heard her in her room, reciting lines with overused thous and Elizabethan words, sometime fumbling, her tongue tying together before she started over, beginning again. Over the week, I noticed she had gotten better. But she practiced fewer and fewer. Well, she practiced rarely at home anymore, instead opting to head on over to Tay's to run lines with her.
She didn't even have to say it anymore. In the beginning, she gladly told me as she grabbed her car keys and put on her leather jacket, telling me so casually and throwing me a smile, but anymore, she left without a word. And I knew where she was going, just as well as she knew where she was going. But was she aware of my despise of her new blonde drama buddy?
Not quite. At least, I didn't think she did. She was hardly around enough for her to see it.
I tried my hardest to not let it show. It came out in small bursts though, in cracks of my facade. Like when she mentioned Tay in conversation and I found my eyes glazing over, or when she abruptly would head home with Tay instead of me and I would roll my eyes and sigh. I couldn't help it though. I simply wasn't happy with the amount of time they spent together. It rivaled the time we spent together and I didn't like it. I didn't like the feeling of what was mine being taken from my grasp, slipping so easily through my fingers, like sand.
So maybe that was why I decided to sneak into her audition. Just to see how things were, how close the two had gotten while working together. I did it just to prove something to myself, to show myself that things weren't going to be different and to secretly hope she wouldn't get the part, just so someone else could have it and she wouldn't have to run lines with the black eyeliner loving tramp any longer than she already has.
"Wish me luck," Belle said to me, giving me a kiss on the lips as she grabbed her keys off the counter, "I'll be back soon. Fingers crossed!" She had grinned right before she slipped out the door. I watched her get into her car and drive off, out of the neighborhood, watching slowly, slowly, slowly, until she disappeared from my view.
I had asked her if I could come to the audition with her but she said it was bad luck, that she would be too nervous knowing that I was watching her. So yes, I was disobeying her, but it wasn't like she would know that I was there. I'd sneak into the back, hide behind a chair or two, and then slip out before she could notice. Problem solved, worried and suspicions gone, right?
I could only hope.
Once she was out of sight I grabbed my own keys and my bag, slinging it over my shoulder and getting into my car, driving, quickly but as safe as I could manage to the school, where I parked my car a few blocks. I hesitated before getting out though, suddenly questioning my motives. Did I really have to be doing this?
You have to just see, just to see if it's your imagination, I remind myself. It doesn't ease my tension, but instead I step out of the car, tension and all as I marched into the school, heading quietly as I could muster in my high heels down the hallway and into the auditorium, which was dark, the stage a lit with a student already up there auditioning. I sunk into a chair in the farthest row back and watched and waited, awaiting for my girlfriend's chance.
"Next up, Belle Wolfe and Taylor Tate." I could hear the drama teacher's nasally voice speaking into a tiny microphone on her desk. I could see the two silhouetted figures, their slim bodies working their way onto stage and into the light.
"Hello, I'll be reading for the role of Viola." Belle says with a nervous smile. She did look very nervous, anxious to do it. Taylor however looked so cool, so calm, so collected and at ease up there on stage. I don't think I could ever do something like that. Being placed as the star in the spotlight with everyone down below to judge your every move, every word. It would bother me too much to think perhaps I wasn't good enough.
Just as I was feeling right now.
"And I'll be reading for the role of Olivia." Tay says cooly.
The drama teacher gave them a scene and the line numbers and I could feel a wash of panic flash over Belle's face, a satisfying smile drifting over Tay's however. What was she so worried about? Was it a line she hadn't rehearsed enough? What was the deal?
Tay began, reciting proudly while looking at Belle, the two faced towards one another, "For that I woo, thou therefore has no cause, but rather reason thus reason fetter. Love sought is good, but given unsought better." And then, in a blink of an eye, in a flash, she leaned in and kissed her. She kissed her. She kissed /her/, Belle, my girlfriend, /my/ girlfriend. I could feel the color drain from my face, my heart beating fast in my chest. Had they been practicing that enough? It sure seemed like it! Did they rehearse this at Tay's house? Did Tay know this and that was why she had targeted Belle?
Once Belle pulled out, she spoke her lines, "Yet come again, for thou perhaps mayst move, that heart which now abhors, to like his love."
The drama teacher clapped just as Tay grabbed Belle's hand and together the bowed. I could hear the teacher crowing about how good they were, /the chemistry/ evidentially they had. But all I could manage to do was to stand up, in shock, in fear, nearing tears. Mission abort, I think to myself. Belle had seen me, a strike of panic run across her face. But I didn't even care. I headed to the door as quickly as I could, trying my best not to make eye contact as Belle ran off the stage, the drama teacher announcing the next pair up for audition.
"Lily!" I could hear her and her footsteps behind me as I slammed the auditorium's door as best I could.
How could she? She had known about the kiss and had forgotten to tell me about it, her own girlfriend! She had known that this was coming, she read the da.mn script! Didn't my feelings even matter in all of this? I was the one that would be there for her on opening night, I would be the one having to watch it. I had a say in it too! Or, at least I thought I did.
I know I had to find out about this sooner or later, but the later option would've been much, much preferred.
I didn't expect this. No, not at all. I didn't want to believe my gut feeling, I didn't want my insecurities to get the best of me. But they hadn't. My insecurities, for once, had been proven true, right on stage, lit up, specifically for me to see.