ll Don't Forget - Demi Lovato ll
I sighed, looking at the huge house before me, my childhood home. Off to the side in the driveway was my mother's car, so I knew she was home. Just like I was, here I was, finally coming home, the place I never thought I would be again.
Despite how comforting coming home may sound, I was actually nervous. I hadn't told her that I was coming back. We'd been talking more and more lately and I had mentioned things weren't good between Belle and I, and surprisingly, she was supportive. She told me to just hang on. But the twins' encouragement to move out was what broke the string for me. I needed to move out. I couldn't stay in that house. There was only so much avoiding I could do. We always somehow ran into each other, whether it was me getting out of the shower to find her already in there applying her makeup, blowdrying my hair in awkward silence, or whether it was us leaving for school at the same time, the tension thick as we held the door for once another and got into separate cars. It was such a terrible reminder, a reminder of what was now as opposed to what things used to be.
What if she doesn't allow me back? I bite my lip, thinking the worst of course, as always. Then, I was surely screwed. I probably had enough money in my bank account to rent a room at a hotel room and live there for a couple days until I found a permanent residence, but what if I never did? What if Belle and I's breakup had resulted in me becoming homeless? I'd have nowhere to go!
Stop over thinking, Lily, just ring the da.mn doorbell!
And so, I did, ringing the doorbell, hearing it echo off the high ceiling and the light walls. "Coming!" My mom calls and I could feel my heart pound in my chest. Here it was, the moment of truth.
She opened the door finally, a warm smile coming on her face. Something had shifted in her recently. She was much more welcoming to me, suddenly nicer, it was like she had forgotten her initial rejection of me. "Lily! Hi!" She says, her eyes drifting over me before landing on my bags standing at my sides. And she bit her lip, as if she could feel the bad news radiating from me. "Come in!" She ushers me (and my suitcases) inside.
I leave my suitcases in the living room and sit at the kitchen table with her. She pushes a cup of tea in front of me, my favorite mug, the one I had always used. "Thanks," I grin at her, taking a sip.
"So, you're moving back in?" She questions, taking a sip of hers herself.
I bite my lip, "Can I…?" I ask her.
She thinks about it for the second, "Of course. You're welcome to come back."
"Thank you so much, mom," I say gratefully.
"I'm guessing things didn't work out with Belle?" She asks.
I begin to nod, a sad smile on my face, and I bite my lips some more as my throat tightens, a lump forming, and then the tears come. Like a waterfall they pour out of me. Because for once, I realized just how bad things were. I f.cked things up so badly trying to numb everything with the twins, when in reality, I shouldn't have listened to them, I shouldn't have spent time with them, I should've focused on Belle, Belle, Belle. But no, instead I made things worse. I didn't even like the twins that much. Yes, they were fun, they were funny, they were different, but they weren't /her/, they weren't /Belle/, nobody, nobody, nobody in my entire life could compare to her.
"Oh, honey," My mom looks at me, putting her hand over mine as my unbridled sobs drown the entire house.
"I just," I sniffle, "I messed things up so much. I finally had something good in my life and I f.cked it up. We were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to get through this and be stronger, and be great. We'd graduate high school, then college, then get married, then just live happily with each other… adopt a kid or something… we were supposed to be happy. How'd it go from happy… to… to /this/?"
My mother looks at me compassionately. I knew my love life made her uncomfortable and there was only so much she could do, but I had to get this out. She was the only one I could talk to currently. The twins would make me stray even farther from my heart's intentions, and any other friends just wouldn't get it, or wouldn't have the patience to even listen. Although my mom couldn't relate, or be very helpful, at least she could listen.
"Sometimes things just don't work out, sweetheart."
"But we… we were supposed to. She was my everything. We were great… why did everything have to get so screwed up? Why can't things just stay good?"
"I don't know… do you think she's worth fighting for?"
I nod, "Of course she would be. I'd swim oceans for Belle, I'd cross the center of the earth just to see her… I'd do anything for her… but… I don't know if she still wants me. I was the one to cut ties with her… I don't know if she'd even take me back."
"If she's worth fighting for, then I think you should try to get her back."
I looked at her, clearly baffled that these words were speaking from her lips, "Seriously?"
"Lily, I know I haven't been the best mother to you, but if I can tell you anything, I could tell you were truly happy with Belle. I know I said it wouldn't last it all, but you guys made it so far… don't let all of that slip away."
"But… what if it already has? What if there's no chance at getting her back?"
She smiles at me, "Darling, there's always a chance at getting back true love."
Our talk concludes and I take my bags upstairs to my old room to relax before it's time for dinner. I finish unpacking all my clothes, sitting down on my bed, laying then and staring up at the ceiling. I remember times like this, staring up towards the sky, nights I couldn't fall asleep and then Belle would surprise me, tiptoeing across the hall and slipping into my bed. I'd smile and giggle, ask her what she was doing and much like me, sometimes she couldn't sleep either. Sometimes we'd do stuff, but other times, just being next to each other gave us something, and suddenly we could sleep, our bodies entangled underneath my satin sheets.
I wonder if she had read my letter yet. It broke my heart, writing that da.mn thing on my stationery, but I had to. I couldn't do it face to face because I felt so weak, so sad, and also, so scared because I wouldn't know her response, what she would really be feeling. Who knows, maybe she was relieved that I left. The fear of that alone kept me from announcing my departure to her… because what if I left and she didn't miss me at all?
That fear, that pride, that feeling of being the one leaving, not being left, maybe that was what pushed me further away. That was what helped me turn to the twins and their world, their lifestyle with the partying, with my new excessive use of alcohol, with my new smoking habit. Looking in the mirror, I didn't recognize who I had become.
Before Belle and I dated, I was innocent and scared, I saw Belle as so intimidating, so cool for being out. I knew what I wanted, but didn't know how to obtain it. But sure enough, she taught me, because soon we were dating, I was out, and everything was good. She changed me ultimately for the better, if anything. She taught me new things I never knew every single day of our lives. She taught me what it was like to be with someone, to love and be loved back.
This person I saw in the mirror now, I didn't like it. My hair was always messy, my skin paler than usual, my under eyes had purple bags below that made me look so worn out, I had gotten skinnier than I ever wanted to be. Every pore and ever fiber of myself screamed misery, because I was. I was miserable. I didn't like smoking or drinking, or hanging out with the twins anymore. I just wanted my old me back… my old life, the one with Belle in it.
I should've never kissed Esmeralda back that night. I would never forgive myself. I should've never slept with her either. It was like a constant string of terrible events, bad choices, all made because I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to make things better. And if I couldn't make things better, all I could do was keep f.cking up and making it worse.
I took a nap before dinner, I needed a way to stop my mind from thinking. But I found myself tossing and turning in the dark room, blocked out by my thick curtains. Suddenly craving, wishing, wanting, desiring Belle to curl up with me in that moment, for her to open the door and send light across the wide wooden planks, to sneak into bed, under the covers with me, just like we used to.
For the first time ever though, I realized we would never do that again. I'd never get that kind of comfort again.
She… we… really were… gone.