Place: Tabitha's Apartment
After my crazy morning at Darius' place yesterday
I decided I was going to spend the entire day indoors.
Was it possible to go on with the rest of your life hiding from one single person?
I hope so, because that's exactly what I was planning to do today.
Seeing Darius just made me want to crawl into a dark hole and die.
How could someone so beautiful be so vicious?
Halfway through my mental manifesto, my blackberry vibrates on my dresser.
I answer groggily.
"Okay, what the actual f*** b****?"
Only Paul would greet me so lovely at 7 at night.
"Good Morning Paul."
"YOU PUNCHED JOSE IN THE FACE? ARE YOU F-ING CRAZY? YOU MUST BE! THIS SH** IS ALL OVER THE NEWS! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS GOING TO BE TO CLEAN THIS MESS/ YOU ARE SO LUCKY HE DIDN'T PRESS CHARGES!"
"He wouldn't give me the part he promised paul"
"So you go and beat him up? ugh....tabby cat-.."
"Don't call me that."
'Woah...okay...as your agent I reserve the right to tell you when to 86 the attitude and stop being a crabby b****"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME PAUL?!"
"HOW ABOUT AN EXPLANATION?"
"he promised me a starring role, and he backed out."
"You know Tabitha, there is this little thing called hard work, you should try it sometimes. it usually works out better in comparison to jumping into bed with a random man!"
I rub my throbbing head.
I don't need this right now.
"Paul i really don't need this..."
"you're right Tabby ca-....Tabitha....what you need is a kick in the a-"
"I stayed at Darius Place yesterday."
"Paul are you th-"
"I don't know...he said he brought me there."
"That's why i couldn't get a hold of you..."
"Where are you right now?"
"I'm coming over...get dressed we are going to the Bardot"
"well what the heck happened?"
"No with Jesus....of course Darius!"
I really didn't feel like gossip right now.
particularly my own, but Paul insisted we go out for drinks and moral support.
"No...hickeys, bruises, sexy double-talk?"
"Well what the heck were you doing there?"
"He said I got too drunk and he took me home."
It was hard to think with my throbbing headache and all the noisy synth in the background. Of all the places to offer moral support...he chooses a nightclub.
Some people are so insensitive.
"Well that sounds...nice."
"Yes...I mean he did take you home."
"Are you serious right now?"
"Well what do you want me to say Tabitha? he's a monster for getting you out of a sticky situation."
"He is a monster! he is the reason I am so f***** up beyond repair right now."
"Tabitha, you're the reason you are f***** up beyond repair. Darius had nothing to do with that."
"No!?!" I could feel the blood boiling in my head. My chest felt like it could burst. The heat of my cheeks flushed my entire face red.
"IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME?"
I said my voice getting louder.
"HUH? THAT HE TOLD ME....HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME? THAT HE WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE ME FOREVER?"
"IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HIS LIFE WAS SO SCREWED UP, THAT HE HAD TO SCREW UP MINE?"
"No Paul...you don't understand..." I placed my palm on my face. I could feel tears streaming in between my fingers.
"Tabs please, don't cry."
"See that's the problem, with all you people! You think Darius is this amazing and Godly human being, and you all f****** worship the ground he walks on, but none of you actually know him!"
"Tabitha what are you talking about?!"
I stand up and get lost in the crowd of moving people at the Bardot. Paul calls after me but I ignore him. I drown out the shouts and conversations, and music, and all I can hear is my own heart. A thousand beats per minute.
To everyone else, (even to Paul) Darius was just a really bad breakup. That first love gone bad.
I was only 18 when I met him.
He was 22.
He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life.
I remember the first time I met him in NYC.
I was dancing by myself and from behind I heard his deep voice say: " You are way to beautiful to not have met before."
He sent shivers up my legs through my stomach, and up my spine.
I loved him then.
But I didn't know he was so lost.
And I also didn't know he wanted to make me lost too.
The magazines, the newspapers, the blogs, they all say our split is what got me into drugs. But that's not true. The day my life changed was when I met Darius. Not when he left me.
Darius had been addicted to coke since he was 16, and got his start at acting.
I hadn't even tried cigarettes before I met him.
Let alone coke.
But he spoke so sweetly, and his hands were always so soft, and his mouth was always so warm, when he told me nothing would happen if I tried it, I believed him.
I believed every word that ever left his mouth.
After that everything just went black.
All I remember is doing coke from dusk till dawn.
Always with him.
I couldn't live without it anymore...I couldn't function.
Just like how I was with Darius.
Without him I was nothing.
He made me feel like without him and drugs my life was just one big nothing.
Once he found the strength to get better, he up and left. Told me he was too good for me.
But by that time I was already a monster.
That's the story the magazines will never tell you.