alright...

i have to say something outloud that i have never, ever even considered saying out loud before...

but before i do that, since most of you don't know me personally, i'll have to say this first...

i'm not the type of girl who shares feelings... im not the type of girl that cries... im not the type of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve...

in fact, i probably come off extremely aloof in person (and i hate that) because i am so completely jaded emotionally that i can't bare for anyone to even sense even the slightest bit that im screaming in agony on the inside...

showing weakness, vulnerability or honest emotion has never been my thing...

but im at the breaking point...

no, i'm not slicing my wrists. no, i'm not going to jump off a bridge. i could never do that (though i can empathize)... nor am i doing drugs or acting out...

im just... tired. im tired of searching... im tired of fighting... (and here's the kicker) im tired of being lonely.

i need that person; the one that will make all of the horrors go away with their smile. the one that can ease the burden just a little bit. the one that i was made for. i want exactly what taylor swift sings about.

maybe it's silly or immature, but i want that. i've had a hard life... the only wish that has kept me going is that one day i would have my own life with my own family in my own house in my own world. i've wanted that way before taylor ever picked up her first guitar, but she hit the nail on the head with her music.

and i've played all my cards.. i've taken all the risks... i've opened up, i've closed down, i've played the game. nothing is working. 

everyone says i'm a charolette (sex and the city); the eternal optimist when it comes to love and always have been. id like to think that was true. for a long time it was. but it's just not enough anymore. 

im turning 27 in a few weeks and maybe in the grand scheme of things that's not a huge milestone, but it's been weighing on me. i feel like im dragging around this 200lb weight that never goes away and i'm so, so tired of carrying it around...

and i don't know what to do anymore.
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two comments

playmate1960
Wrote 5 years ago
lovely

lovingly-chloe
Wrote 5 years ago
that person is God, He is perfect, you don't have to try and change Him, He'll never leave you for another person, and He always loves you, He has always loved you, before He made the sun and the stars, He knew your name, who you would be and your futere., He'll never stop loving you no matter what you do. Psalm 139:16- For your eyes saw my unformed substance, in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. pm me + God bless

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made on 05/25/09 by lovelaugh.

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