This set again was inspired by Molly's circular sets, because I thought they seemed pretty fun to do.
I like making them.
Molly you are an endless inspiration.
This is where I write about my confusing dreams, friendship problems which ends up reflecting on my problematic school year which ends up just being all strange, and I tend to do this with my thoughts and so I don't expect you to read it.
I hope you take care.
So this is another ranty thing.
But it's a good ranting thing.
Well at least, I'm pretty happy with it.
Because instead of being mad, I'm hurt.
But not in a bad way
I figure it's much better to be hurt than to be jealous or mad.
So we can call it step two of moving on.
I went through this whole thing, in my head, just before I woke up on what I was going to say, and told the story in my head all day.
I just woke up.
which really sucks because I wasted my entire day.
LIke I just woke up, and some how my visual snow was heavier or worse, so I was like LOLNO. and then facepalmed back into my pillow, and tried to fall asleep going over what had just happened in my dream.
and then mom was all GET UP I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR
so I was like fineeeeeeeee
and had to run a prayer through my head for my visual snow to go away.
But it's less bad.
I think I just typed that with bitterness, because it's kind of stupid what I do, to try to get rid of something that I have no control over and feel helpless over.
Maybe I do have control, i just don't know it.
This isn't where I was going.
Anyways, I had this dream.
and My friend, Miki came over and she was all like desperate to see me, because she wanted something.
And her hair wasn't straightened, it was just normal, and she wasn't wearing make up, and she was just like my Miki. the normal one. and she was beautiful. and she wanted me to dig up my year seven stuff, (from the year we met) and find the project we both made together on the internet, so I did and I found it, and we began to color it because it was black and white, and I began to cry uncontrollably because I remembered how impressed the teachers were with my work, and how smart or over achieving I was on, and how I always loved art, and how we did it together, because even though she lived a very expensive and long plane ride away from me, we were best friends (thanks to the interrneeet) and we did this sort of thing, collab project for my school projects, all the time.
We helped each other out.
and I was bawling, and she either didn't notice or was ignoring me and then thanked me, for seeing the project and left.
And then I sort of met this dinosaur.
infront of a mall.
it's head was sticking up, and his eyes changed colors when ever i petted it, so I petted it, and I hugged it and it's eyes changed again, and grew taller, and taller, and it became a person with a dinosaur head, and it gave me infinite affection, by hugging me.
And then it turned into a human looking person, he was japanese, and had white hair, and loved me. and I was pretty fond of it, because I felt happy whenever I hugged it, because he was fulll of -infinite affection-
or at least that's how it felt when I hugged him.
But then his monster sisters got mad
and began trying to slice my head open
which freaked me out
and he tried to protect me but it failed
so I was running around the grocery store hiding from these japanese looking girls with long nails LIKE FREAKISHLY LONG, TRYING TO SLICE MY HEAD OPEN.
and then this whole MONSTER THING INSIDE OF THE GROCERY STORE WAR BROKE OUT
AND THEY WERE ALL TRYING TO KILL ME
AND I WAS ALL OHSHITIMGONNADIE.
So I called Miki, in desperate need of help, and she totally just CAME OVER,
WITH A CANISTER, AND BEGAN SUCKING THEM INTO THE CANISTER, LIKE THE HOT GHOST BOY SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW DANNY PHANTOMOHMYGOSH YES THAT.
AND SOME WOULD RESIST AND TRY TO KILL US AND IT WAS FREAKY AND THEN she disappeared, and I began doing it all by myself, which you know didn't really matter I didn't notice because I was busy TRYING NOT TO DIE.
the infinite affection previous dinosaur now human, came, ahnd he was pissed that i ran away and began sucking up monsters and trapping them so he had this thing that zapped me into the canister with the rest of the monsters, which was where miki was camoflauging, and it was lkike this weird online world.
and all the monsters found out and were typing things on this website, and I had look miki up, and have an online public conversation with her planning how to save my ass (which totally by the way put her at risk now , because all the monsters knew she was there and a traitor trying to help me but she did it anyways which was pretty freaking amazing)
and we transported out, and got all the monsters back, and she lived back in the online canister world thing, talking about how cute some monsters were (typical miki) and blahblahblah totally assimilated in their world.
and I was safe.
and then I woke up.
and I couldn't help but miss her terribly.
But that Miki from my dream ,isn't this Miki.
Because Miki now, is popular, straight haired, always wearing make up, beautiful, wearing shorts that were REALLY short and bikinis and making out with her boyfriend, and she tried smoking once and said she was addicted I don't know if she still does.
Miki doesn't reply to my comments on facebook anymore, and it's the only way we talk.
We haven't talked ina month.
and on instagram and facebook, all the photos are of her and lily.
And it was all because of me.
and I shouldn't be complaining because I did this.
and I know it was going to happen when I did it.
because last year Lily replaced me, and I was upset at first because Miki and I were best friends, we were the non make up, non boyfriend, non smoking or anything bad, kind of losers, who didn't have friends, or used to not have friends, we were the shy awkward losers who nobody really noticed, and we BONDED. AND WE BECAME EACH OTHER'S FRIENDS. and we would run home, just to talk to each other, and we were just. the closest. and I visited her every year.
except this year.
And she and lily got into a fight, or just fell apart, and stopped talking to each other for over half a year.
and it seemed like forever.
and it seemed like nothing was going to fix it.
and I would still talk to lily, and when me and miki fell apart, and she found out I was talking to Lily, she would contact me, saying she missed me, and felt like Lily was my best friend now.
and i'd tell her that I missed her too.
But then I fixed things.
because one day Miki and I was talking, she said she missed Lily but Lily hated her.
and Lily told me, that she missed Miki, but Miki hated her.
and then I was all like WOAH MISCOMMUNICATION.
and I knew what I was doing.
I could have just done nothing.
I could have just left it, but I didn't, I knew this would fix things, I knew they'd go back to being best friends, who actually lived close to each other, who could actually do legit things together and have a social life.
But I did it anyways.
and I became the middleman, who told Lily that Miki missed her, and told Miki that Lily missed her, and then they were confused, and tried getting together, except lily's phone was dead, and miki thought she didn't lwant to talk to her because she wasn't replying
so I had to get them together myself, and pass on messages
until they got together,
and went out together.
and became inseperable again.
And then I was left on my own again.
and I feel left out even though Miki and I haven't talked in what it seems forever, and I stopped talking to Lily because things just got awkward, and I can't tlak to her again, and Miki won't e-mail me saying she missed me again.
and things just keep changing.
In year eight, I was on the ground crying because I was afraid of failing because our lovely teacher, "Mr.Porridge" DID THE STUPID HOVERCRAFT THING OR LOOSE LIKE TEN PERCENT OF YOUR GRADE AND HE DID A BUNCH OF THOSE
LIKE MAKE A HOUSE
OUT OF STRAWS FOR THIS EGG
AND DROP IT OFF A LADDER
AND IF IT BREAKS
IF IT DOESN'T
YOU GET A HUNDRED PERCENT
AND EACH ONE WAS WORTH LIKE 10 % OF YOUR FINAL GRADE.
AND I KEPT FAILING
AND FREAKING OUT
AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FAIL
nad i was crying
and texting miki in my room
and she promised me.
She told me that year eight was almost over, and that it'll be different in year nine, because year nine grades matter to get into highschool, and that she promised that she wouldn't let me fail. we'd get through it together.
She used to look after me too. x]
In the beginning of year nine.
When I was in a class, with only cammie, and seperated from my friends.
I flipped out, and was freaking out and upset, and I ranted on polyvore, and I was freaking out, and Miki calmed me down and told me her experiences and said everything would work out.
and she looked after me in sepetember.
I made a set about how I had to wear knee high socks now all the time.
and Lily saw it (this was before they stopped talking to each other)
and flipped, and told Miki and she flipped
and I began crying like a loser, and lied, because when you're on the computer you can do that.
and said I was just upset with my parents, and tried to run away again (i did it a lot in year eight so it was normal) and I tripped and scraped my leg.
But then she moved ona nd i tried to move on, and she was doing popular kid things that drove me crazy and I began to fail.
and I was getting 40% in science and math.
and It was the worst I've ever did.
In year eight science my final average was 91%
I had no idea what I was doing wrong.
and I couldn't tell anybody.
because I was so ashamed.
and Miki was there,
and she didn't know.
and I was failing.
and she wasn't helping like she had promised.
and I had held onto that promise like a five year old kid.
and I felt so broken XD
Dave was still dating Sheila and they kept calling me Emo because I had my hair in my face and I'd wear black clothes and dark make up.
and I was frustrated
BECAUSE I JUST LIKED BLACK.
so I resulted in
writing about it on polyvore.
and then I just began to write about everything
I couldn't say outloud.
because I'd be attention seeking.
and it wouldn't matter anyways
because NOBODY NOTICED.
NOBODY WOULD LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TRIED TO TALK.
and I was left alone again
So polyvore ended up becoming my best friend.
But you guys listened.
You actually listened.
and I suddenly stopped feeling so alone.
and I was happy, x)
It became somewhere where I felt really safe.
But then, of course.
I found one of my posts months months later.
with this girl criticiszing what I wrote, about how I was frekaing out and being weird, and writing every possible detail that nobody cared about.
I think she even flagged the set,
because it got deleted.
and I didn't delete it myself.
and I was terrified, xD
I was scared, and angry, to realize that when I write something on the internet.
Anybody can see it.
So I resorted to writing about things on facebook.
because it was safer
but then everybody just stopped
and I panicked.
and nobody would listen.
and I was lost again.
and it felt like nobody cared anymore.
and I just flipped out.
Because I used to be able to tell people everything.
And people would listen, and people would comment.
and people would make me laugh or smile, or feel better.
which was really selfish.
now that I'mw riting it down.
it is so wrong. xD
But i wasn't alone.
i wasn't at all.
and I knew it, and began trying to make the things i wrote about happy, because it's always fun to me, at least, to read something happy. x]
so then I began working on improving things, and meeting new people, and talking more. xD
Now I'm kind of paranoid about writing things on polyvore because of people seeing it.
That's why I write the warning.
and that's why I write the, if you read up to this point comment.
Because It scares me to think that people could read this and I wouldn't know.
I remember after school ending, taking a shower, and thinking about, everything that had happened this year.
Cutting, liking luke, and then nick, feeling alone, and slowly crawling to the top again, failing grades, passing grades, stories I wrote, polyvore,
and then I went over to Molly's house, and she was there waiting for me on teh front steps,
and I hugged her.
and began to cry.
muttering about how hard this year was.
but how it got better.
It's just like the fact , that somebody who's really important to me and my family, is very sick.
and I was there yesterday, drawing.
remembering the good things.
and the things that weren't so good about this person.
Because I tend to do that.
I focus on both the bad and the good so that I'm not illusioned by the good, but when you remember the bad, you get kind of miffed, so you need to remember that the good is more importnat.
and I love this person very much.
and I don't want them to leave.
because I don't know how this family is going to manage without this person. x']
Thank you for listening
I originally wrote this post on my polyvore facebook, but decided to share it on polyvore.
If you read up to this point comment, fudge pops.
because I have one of those in a bowl right beside me :D
I feel a lot better writing that :']