Its some minutes after midnight here and so my 22th birthday begins and I am listening to Obel´s melancholical Riverside http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkUKbfaRggk I should be dancing or smiling or singing or drinking or doing something like that what happy people do on their birthdays... When I was a child my birthday was always the best day in the year, even better than christmas, because it was always father-daughter-time. I always went to the seaside with my dad, picking poppys from the road (his fav flowers), wandering through the forest, opening special gifts and then making special polaroid photographs. I have 20 birthday Polaroid Photographs with my dad and me and now? No traditions anymore, no polaroids anymore, no new memories or experiences, everything is gone. I´m sitting here in front of my laptop, creating melancholical sets while I am wallowing in self-pity and grief and am left by my own what´s my on fault because I was too afraid to drive home for my birthday because of all the memories where my friends and family are waiting. Feels like I miss my dad today more then the last weeks, today of all days when I should be so damn happy. Thats why it calls happy birthday right?! Such events always remember me of the loss and I guess no matter how much I fight or want to move on I always will be thinking... what would my dad say now? Would he be proud? I just want to call him and hear his voice =( 
I hope later the birthday will be better. i´m invited for a dinner near the seaside, but its very rainy here. I hope for the best and I am ishing for the next age that I will find the strenght to let go.... Miss you daddy! Happy Birthday to me!!!
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66 comments

nychicstyler
Wrote one year ago
Great!

tjuli-interior
Wrote three years ago
<3

littlemisssunshine3
Wrote three years ago
Simply awesome!

br0k3n
Wrote three years ago
I feel your pain. The bond you had (and still have) with your father is remarkable and touching. I don't think you can move on unless you move on while acknowledging it. Don't worry about not spending your birthday in happiness - nobody said birthdays are supposed to be happy - it is what you make of it. I would think recalling all the memories you had with your dad is so precious and cannot be traded.

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haunting [ˈhɔːntɪŋ]
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