I don't really understand what I'm thinking right now. In this very second so many things are going through my mind and it won't stop. So many possibility's, questions, opportunity's. I don't like it and I want it to stop. To just stop and clear my head of all these thoughts. Because it's hurting me. I can't be as happy as I was a week ago, a month ago. A year ago. It's not the same, I'm not the same. I understand that things change and that not everything lasts forever but that's one thing I learnt about these past few days. I don't like change. What kind of change? Any change. The change to a seating plan in class even though it won't stay like that forever. The change of myself in this past year. The change of loving a boy for 2 years and then not caring for him in the space of a few weeks. The change of not trusting my brother and thinking of him as my role model.
Change is most worst fear yet it's my favorite thing in the world. And that's what I don't get.
I want to change the fact that me and my best friend, who's a boy, are JUST friends. All I ever want to do when I'm talking to him is give him a hug and say those 3 words. I love you. Because I do. And I want him to know that but I don't have a clue how I overcome the fear of change to tell him that. That's my problem. That's what swimming round my mind for the past few days. And it's killing me.
I don't understand how one day I went from never speaking to him to staring at how perfect he is in class or having my heart melt when he looks straight into my eyes for a few seconds when we speak.
I don't understand anymore.