ll I Can't Make You Love Me- Bon Iver ll
My eyes glazed over to the window, after previously being directly landed on Everett, who was droning on and on about something I honestly thought was irrelevant. Why was I even dating this boy if I couldn't even find his conversations fascinating? Oh, right, because he's the spitting image of Drew… but still… he's not Drew.
"Don't you think?"
Those three words bring me back and I nod, pretending to have been listening all this time, something I had gotten quite good at during the time in our short relationship. "Mhm!" I say enthusiastically.
"And we are here!" He grins, at me, putting the car into park and finally, we were home. Well, we were at Everett and Drew's house, where I had parked my car before coming on our date. Another boring one. A simple movie and dinner. Dinner consisting of him talking and me occasionally responding and the movie consisting of him and I making out, him far more into it than I was.
"Great." I smile, glancing at him for a second before getting out of the car, Everett getting out as well, walking over to me and reaching for my hand as we stood in front of my car.
"So, I hope you enjoyed tonight," He grins, holding my hand quite lightly as his thumb moved in circles around my wrist, something he often did, and something I had begun to tolerate.
"I did," I watch as he leans in for a kiss, which I gladly give him. A kiss that had become… almost routine. Something expected. Something habitual, no real rhyme, reason, or meaning behind it anymore. In the beginning, it had felt great, I felt like I was actually kissing Drew, like I was actually with him, fulfilling my fantasy, my crush, my love for him. But then I realized I wasn't feeling anything. There was no spark as there was with Drew on that night now a year ago, nothing of the sort. Instead it was empty. Vast, dark, slightly scary, a tunnel I was falling down in, quickly with nothing to grab onto.
Leave it to me to describe kissing and getting into a relationship with Drew's twin as a black hole, but that was how I felt. And now I was at the bottom, with no real way out.
"So, do you actually mind if I come in for a little bit? Don't worry, I won't bother you, just to hang out with Drew for a little bit."
"Sure! Come on in," He grins warmly as we step away from my car, my hand still in his as he leads me inside, traveling further into the house where Drew was chilling casually on the living room couch.
Drew glances at us for a second, nothing in his eyes.
To say that Drew disliked our relationship was an understatement.
He hated it.
He loathed it.
And I couldn't figure out why.
Maybe he was overly protective of his brother… or overly protective of me. Either way, the thought of each made me even more scared to possibly break up with Everett. It would impact our friendship and his relationship with his brother, either way. I truly was stuck in his awful mess.
"So, how was the date?" Drew asks looking at us as I writher my hand away from Everett's. I always felt bad showing PDA in front of him. Like I was waving it right in front of his face, like a piece of meat dangling over the heads of a pride of lions.
It's not like he was jealous. I doubt he was jealous of us, but I knew that PDA was something that he didn't like… especially when it involves a couple he doesn't like together.
"Good," Everett answers with a nod, smiling before looking at me, "Ruby just wanted to come in and hang with you for a little bit, so, I'm going to head up to bed," His gaze stays on mine as he gives me a peck on the lips, my eyes wide open, glancing out of the corner to look at Drew. "Good night,"
"Night," I respond watching him make his ways up the stairs before I go, plopping down on the couch, right next to Drew, like nothing ever happened.
"How was the date, really, Rubykinz?" His tone is somewhat sincere, but also has a hint of iciness to it.
"It was fine," I shrug, kicking off my sandals casually and curling my feet under me, cozying up onto the couch, just like old times.
"Ruby, seriously? You're not fooling anyone," He looks at me glaringly for a second before he picks up a handful of popcorn and stuffs it in his mouth. "Especially not me."
"What are you talking about?" I grab the bowl from him, popping a few pieces of the buttery popcorn onto my tongue.
"Oh please," He rolls his eyes, grasping the bowl back from me. "Ruby, I know you don't really like Everett. Why are you even going out with him?"
I glare at him for a second, contemplating my answer. In the movies, this could be the part where I'd confess my feelings and we'd kiss and have se.x and maybe Everett would walk in on us and that would be that, the end of it all. I'd finally get to climb out of the hole I was stuck in.
But since this was real life, that didn't seem possible. There's no way I had the balls to do that. Not in the slightest. So instead, I just shrugged, keeping my lying answer short, sweet and simple. "Oh course I like Everett. He's a great guy."
Drew looks at me, "This isn't about whether Everett's a great guy or not, you and I both know he is. What this is about is that you don't really like him."
"How can you tell? Since when are you the freaking love detector?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Uh, maybe it's just by everything?" He starts checking things off on his fingers. "The way you look at him, the way you somewhat cringe when you guys kiss, how blank your face looks when you guys kiss, how you act so uncomfortable around him, how you /never/ listen to him," He holds up his hand. "That's five reasons right there! And I could definitely give you more too!"
I roll my eyes, trying to keep myself from sighing because truth be told, he was right. I didn't look at him the way a girlfriend should look at her boyfriend, I do somewhat cringe kissing him (just because he's sure as he.ll not as good of a kisser as Drew!), I don't have any expressions on my face when I kiss because I don't feel anything, I was slightly uncomfortable around him, and I did never listen to a word he said.
Truth be told, Drew was right and he had it down to a T.
"How do you know I don't listen to him?"
"So you're saying I'm right?" He raises his eyebrows.
"No…" I trail off.
"Ruby, you know I am! You /know/ it, you know that you're not in a relationship with a person you really like," He sighs now, "You know, you don't have to date him just because you want someone… you don't have to go out with someone… you can always end it… you don't have to feel trapped… it's not like it'll really hurt either of you… or me."
I look at him, staying quiet for a moment before sighing. Why did things have to get this complicated? Why did I have to dig this grave for myself?
"Why would it hurt you?"
"Do you seriously think I'd be mad at you for breaking up with him? It's not like I'd take his side, Ruby. I'd understand. If you don't like him you don't have to be with him."
"But I do like him…" I whisper softly, lying not-so-easily right through my teeth.
"No, you don't. Why do you have to lie about it though? Just break up with him!" He shrieks.
I sigh, standing up, "I've gotta go," I say quietly as I put my shoes back on, I had to get out of there. I had to get away from this conversation before I possibly just came right out with it. I couldn't do that. I definitely couldn't do that. Drew getting up too and grabbing my wrist.
"No, listen I'm sorry…" He sighs. "I'm just… I only want what's best for you… you know that, right?"
I nod, "Yeah… of course… but what if Everett is what's best for me?"
"He isn't… I know it…"
"Prove it… and then I'll believe you…" I say softly before untangling myself from his grasp and instead walking to the front door, opening and closing it as quick as I could, walking away from all of it, once again, running away from my problems, while also just digging myself deeper and deeper.