show me what i'm looking for - carolina liar
jay walsh (i've never done a full story in his pov, can't wait to see how this turns out)
near wild heaven


I sat down on the un-made. I hadn't bothered to make it. Hadn't bothered to do much, now that I thought of it. There was a pile of dishes in the sink. I barely had any clean laundry. But I didn't care. I just needed her home. I was determined to get her home if it killed me.

Sealing the envelope, I carefully wrote her name and address (god, that killed me) on the front and put the stamp in place. Walking out of the house, letter in hand, I walked until I found the mailbox.

This part was routine. Each day I would walk here and pull open the rusty blue handle and drop the letter inside, letting fate take over. If she got it or not, I wouldn't know. Not once, in thirty six days did I ever get a letter back. Each day was a new disappointment. I knew that Alaska needed to figure herself out. I knew that she needed to love herself before she could love me but it still hurt. It hurt to know that I needed her more than she needed me.

Instead of turning back the way I came, I kept walking. I walked until I was walking up to David and Lexi's place. I knocked twice on the thick wooden door and waited. "Hi," I finally said when the door swung open. 

I'm sure I looked like crap. I'm sure I looked like I hadn't slept in a month - which was true. I'm sure I looked like I was falling apart bit by bit. I know I was supposed to be strong and brave and forget her but I couldn't. I just couldn't. 

"Hey man," David finally said after a brief moment. "Do you, uh, want to come in?"

I half-nodded, half-shrugged. "Do you mind?" Instead of a verbal response, David opened up the door wider and stepped aside to let me in. "David, who's here?"

Lexi stepped out of the kitchen, balancing a baby on her hip. "Oh," She said breathlessly. "Hi Jay, what're you doing here?"

The truth was, I /didn't/ know what I was doing there. I realized one day that being alone was too much for me to handle. I woke up everyday to a huge empty house and my heart ached. I missed hearing people talk. Laugh. Cry. I missed everything. Most of all though, I missed my wife. 

"I-" I began. "I don't know, really. I... just needed some company, you know? It gets lonely being alone."

Lexi's rough exterior melted and she sighed. "Would you like to hold her?" I eagerly accepted baby Alison and ran my fingers over her peach fuzz hair. 

The baby in my arms cooed as I talked to her. I was whispering little nothings about her Aunty Alaska. I was telling her how much we loved her. How that if she could, Aunty would be here at this very second. I kissed the top of her head. "How've you been, Jay?"

"Honestly?" I took a deep breath. "Not very good. I... I don't want you guys to hate me because of Alaska. Okay? I want us to be good again. Believe it or not, I need a friend right now."

I sounded pathetic. I sounded like a heartbroken idiot who lost the only good thing that he had. "Jay, man, we don't hate you." David spoke first. "We're just confused and hurt, just like you are."

David wrapped his arm around Lexi's waist, keeping her close to him. I saw how in love they were. How protective David was over her. I remembered how Alaska and I used to be like that before all of this happened. I remembered when we used to be happy. That seemed like so long ago it was hard to really remember what it felt like. 

"Jay, I can't imagine what you're going through. But I want you to know that we're here for you - no matter what. Okay? You don't have to be a stranger." 

I smiled faintly. How she was so accepting I'd never know. But it gave me hope. I hoped that we could get back to the old days, when everything was perfect (at least it had seemed like that at the time). "Thank you, Lexi." I whispered, adjustig Alison on my lap. "Where's Avery?"

"Sleeping," Lexi pointed towards the baby monitor on the coffee table. "If you want, you can feed her when she wakes up."

And just like that, the three of us fell right back into ryhthm. Still, I couldn't help but notice the one missing piece. The sunshine in this whole thing. She was the one who made me smile, who made me laugh. The one who brightened my day even when it looked bleak. Somewhere along the way, though, the roles reversed. The woman I loved lost her way. She lost herself. I was surprised that I had been able to keep my feet on the ground. 

But I was still here breathing. And I would be here for as long as it took until Alaska came home to me. If it was a day, a month, a year, I would wait. She would come home, where she belonged. 

(Comment 'back together' if you read! What did you think of the different pov?)
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