Today was really bad. I really didn't want to go on Polyvore today.
For PBOTDC, I tried to "embrace" the word emboldened. I honestly think that they lyrics and the girl in this set kind of embrace it. She's kind on her own, and is emboldened to stand out. Like with the song. The couple is just so sky high, and nothing can touch it. Likewise, for BOTAES, I had to base my set of this song, No One Can Touch Us//Sing It Loud Ft. Alex Gaskarth. For TB, I used the picture of the girl. Redo set, obviously. For BOTDU, I used this picture: http://www.polyvore.com/you_keep_sunshine_save_me/thing?id=16677514
My social studies teacher caught me doing some science homework in class. Of course, no one bothered to get my side of the story. And then she told my science teacher. Who made an "anonymous" comment about it in class.
Thank goodness I don't have science tomorrow. I'm pissed.
I had grabbed a bunch of papers out of my backpack and my homework was part of it. True, it wasn't done (and when I turn it in on Wednesday, it'll get an F for being late, but my grade's pretty decent), but I knew I didn't have enough time to finish it. I found it when she looked at me and she told me to put it away, like I was actually doing the homework.
I'm just really mad. And depressed. Now people are laughing. Though they'll just forget about it. But I need to be on my social studies teacher's good side to let Miranda be my partner for our new project. Which is why Miranda is asking her instead of me.
Ezea told me to let it go, like she always does. Now, Ezea's awesomely amazing, but I'm not like her. I tend to hold on to things longer than she does and I'm more emotional about things than she is. If it weren't for the fact that I'm scared this might leak to my parents, I wouldn't give a shit.
Even though I knew the whole time it probably wouldn't leak to my parents. They don't know that I just found it on my desk.
So. The musical has ended. A bunch of girls were crying yesterday at the show, mostly 8th graders, because this would be their last show.
I don't know if it's because my depression of that day was just spread throughout, or if it's because this was my first and only show being in the cast, but it wasn't very emotional for me. I went to the cast party and I saw Connor, even though he said he wouldn't go. Liar. I got there late, and there was this huge conga line going around, so I dropped my coat and joined in. They broke up, danced to Only Girl in the World//Rihanna, and made a new conga line, just for the guys. I was following Chris (one of my good friends in the musical), when he grabbed my arm and made me join in. We held on to the guy ahead of us, then he got in behind me. Some more songs came on, and I was so scared to dance. I mean, it's about 70 kids FROM SCHOOL THAT KNOW YOU and they're dancing. I love dancing, but I suck at it. But I confided in him, and he just told me to let go and not care. Where have I heard that before? I listened, though, and ended up having a blast. I told Lexi (another 7th grader) about my little crush, and I already knew about hers on this really cute guy, Nick D. (who won the limbo contest). Mike (yet another one of my 7th grade friends) then said his last lines (because he was a lead): "I hope that when things get too real out there, that you'll all look back on these high school days, because for us, these days were truly HAPPY DAYS!" and we all broke into the finale. It was so sad.
I swear, Chris was hitting on me on Friday when the guys came into the girls' dressing room to do warm ups and to do the hand excersise, where we hold hands, one person starts it, and you have to squeeze the hand of the person next to you when you get the squeeze. Guess who I ended up next to? I don't mind. He's really funny... but the hitting-on part was creepy, considering he's another 7th grader.
I'm just hoping that I can get over this silly little infatuation before I creep him (Connor, of course) out even further. He saw me this morning laughing like crazy on the way to social studies with Miranda and Monica. Well, why should I care about creeping out a 7th grader? Why. Should. I. Care. About. Anything? I wish I could let go.
Why the hell am I rambling about shit? Who cares?
It hurts so much. I care too much about everything, and yet, not enough about the important things.
I've never cut in my entire life. I know I've definitely felt enough pressure and just so much PRESSING down on me to want to find a release, no matter what way, but I just never have. I don't know why.
I've also though often of suicide. Though I promise you I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, it keeps coming back to me. I'm scared.
Why don't I find the release from all this pressure?
Is it because I enjoy the infinite possibilities of life too much to let it go?
Why do I have a problem with letting go?
Why do I have caring issues?
Well. I've been able to