Leading you down to my core, where I've become so numb. Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home. 
Bring Me to Life//Evanescence
Just an hour ago, I was full of energy.
And now I'm not.
It's because I'm just thinking about my life right now.
I feel stressed. Because of school, mainly.
English, to be specific.
I really hate that class.
I have the damn research paper due in 2 weeks, and I've gotten nowhere. 
Well, that's not true, but I don't know where I'm going. And I haven't known. I've just been winging it.
And to make things worse, I have a project due next week that I was supposed to have been working on for weeks. I haven't even started. 
Hmm... while I'm on the subject, what else, school-related is worrying me?
Drawing? Nope. Gym? Don't care. Lab? Easy as hell. French? Je peux parler francais dans mon sommeil. Je plaisante. Math? Kinda... but we're doing geometry proofs, and math is my best subject, so it's easy. Biology? Nah. History? Um... not really.
I just feel so hopeless right now.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.
That's really getting to me.
Because I'm supposed to be flossing, right? Well, I don't. I have braces, and honestly, I don't see the point. Do not give me any crap about dental hygiene if you disagree with me-I get too much of that already. 
So that's probably what I'm getting a headache from.
I had an okay day.
But right now, I feel so horrible, that I won't even go into one of my long spiels.
That's pretty bad.
I just have a raging headache right now.
Next week is Derek's birthday. Next Tuesday, to be exact.
And it's also Ines's birthday as well. Same day as his.
At lunch today, I asked Matt, Rachel, and Sam how their lives were. They said that it was okay.
I said that my life wasn't going so well. And then that was that. They talked about something else, while I said, "Hey guys, did you know that I might have depression and that if you see scratches on my wrist and my arms, that it's probably not an accident?"
Of course, they didn't hear me. It was way too loud, and I was whispering this.
I wish I could tell someone. But they'd think that I was mental and laugh it off, because I'd seem like the last person to be depressed. Most of the time, I'm a bundle of energy. I have an abundance of it. And apparently to some people, because I'm Asian and I'm too busy being a perfectionist smartass to be depressed.
Yes, someone actually said that to me.
Fuck them.
The other reason I don't want to tell anyone is because... I'd seem weak to them. I don't want to appear powerful or anything, but I don't want to be clingy. I don't want to have to depend on people. They let you down.
Mostly because of the mental reason. They'd send me to a mental institute or something. My parents, I mean. I'm exaggerating, but that's how I am. 
On the bus today, I caught a glimpse of Matthew's wrist. I saw something red/pink... the color of a healing wound.
"Hey, is that a mosquito bite on your wrist?"
"No, what are you talking about?"
And there was nothing. Pale skin, blue vein that I took a pulse from in 5th grade (that's another story), no marks whatsoever. 
After lunch, Matt, Rachel, Sam, and I were going to walk back all together, but Sam and Rachel got caught up with something, so Matt and I left. On the way back to his English class, he was talking about yet another one of his love conspiracy theories, like with Clarice and Andy. This time, it was about Sam and Rachel. His points:
1. When I left to go dump my lunch, he saw that under the table, it looked like their hands were going for each others'... parts. Sam and Rachel, I mean.
2. Whenever he was there, Sam would always sit with Rachel.
3. They seemed to talk to and tease each other a lot and kind of flirt with each other.
My rebuttal:
1. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Seriously, Matt, what the hell? But then, of course, I burst out laughing.
2. Sam doesn't always sit with her. Sometimes, he sits with me. Sometimes, he sits by himself.
3. Um, Matt? Friends do that with each other.
And then (to point #3) he said that he doesn't flirt and talk that way with, say, Stephen, or me. 
"Matt? We DO actually do that. Talk and tease each other, I mean. So you could say that we flirt as well. But of course, we both know that that's never going to happen."
I bit my tongue to hold back the "Because you'll never feel the same way" on the tip of my tongue. In the absence of that, there was an awkward silence. 
A few seconds later, I said, "But to one of your points, Sam may sit with Rachel whenever you're there because of... um, what was it? Oh, yeah-male domination. Well, since you're another guy that's there, he may feel that you're a threat, so he's marking his territory. That's what I meant."
"So, wait, wouldn't he have to pee? That's how you mark your territory, right?"
"Right, Matt. Because peeing on a girl is so charming."
And then I left to go back to biology.
So all in all, I have decided that I'm going to post Chapter 6.
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