SOUNDTRACK: we are young – fun ft. janelle monae
hey girlies, tis i!
i believe all of you are back at school, or about to be;
but here i am, sitting at home while it buckets down with rain – aussie summer ftw? - writing a story for effie as i don’t have to go back to school for another week. well, it is wednesday now and i go back on monday but still :’)
but when i do go back to school, i’ll be a senior! :o
and i’ll be turning 17 this year. whoa.
okay, so enjoy this story!
i will be getting a move on with the first kiss story, but … just not yet haha
[neither ash, lexi or cam are in this, but i thought you guys would appreciate this]
26 December 2011
A day of recovery.
I lay in Harry’s bed, watching his bare chest rise and
fall slowly as he slept peacefully beside me.
His skin looked so soft,
so untouched of anything bad.
He was the most innocent part of me.
My heart hammered
and my breath caught in my throat.
There is no way I deserved to be with someone like him.
Someone with so much talent
and so much going for them.
I looked at the digital clock on his bedside table;
I stared up at the ceiling and
let my thoughts consume me.
I began to feel hot, but cold at the same time.
I felt restless. I felt awake. I felt tired.
I sat up quickly, giving myself a head rush.
I swung my legs out of bed
and breathed deeply.
I tried to get myself to calm down.
But how could I calm down when I was destroying myself?
I smoked pot.
I knew that.
But what I hadn’t known, until now, was the reason behind it.
I was suicidal.
People around me had probably figured that out long ago.
My parents, my brother, Josh, my brothers friends –
I was just blocking it out,
Everything that I was doing to hurt myself.
And I realised this in the dead of night.
And the only thing I could think of doing,
wasn’t to wake Harry up and talk to him about it,
I got up out of bed,
pulled on one of Harry’s sweatshirts –
‘Jack Wills’ was written in bold white letters on the front;
and I walked into the living room.
The dodgy Christmas tree was sitting in the corner,
the lights wrapped around it, flickering in a random, inconsistent rhythm.
There were traces of wrapping paper lying here and there,
and everyone’s presents sat in one big pile.
Harry’s doll was sitting right at the top.
I grinned and walked over to the pile and picked it up.
I turned it over, looking for a string to pull,
but unfortunately, there wasn’t one.
I wish I had a string in my back which anyone could pull,
then the right words would fall out of my monotone mouth,
pleasing everyone and anyone, never creating unhappiness.
I placed the doll that looked like Susan Boyle
back on top of the pile.
I couldn’t do this.
My face scrunched up,
my chin wobbled,
I bit my bottom lip.
Everyone in this house was perfect.
I pulled on the wellies [gumboots, rain boots] that sat by the door.
The door opening let in a rush of cold night air.
Or early morning air.
It curled around my wrists and stung.
It pulled me out, the front door staying open.
The cold air almost taunted me
as it dragged me outside into the darkness.
The campus was still empty of course.
Everyone was at home with their families,
celebrating the holidays together with warm
food and warm hugs and warm smiles and hot
fire places and wet, sloppy kisses from their aunts.
I didn’t know my aunt.
There was snow on the ground,
but the wellies protected my feet this time.
I kept walking through the cold,
walking further and further into the forest.
It felt like I was in a Potter movie and I was serving detention in the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid;
but Hagrid had walked in a different direction, leaving me to fend for myself.
I was alone.
But I felt overrun with company.
The trees were leaning inwards,
breathing down my back.
My face was cold
and suddenly felt colder
as I realised I was crying.
Tears were staining my cheeks, and
sent shivers down my spine,
making the hairs on the
back of my neck
I sunk down to the forest floor
and wrapped my arms around my legs.
I began to sob as my head fell on my knees.
I rolled over in my bed and stretched my arm out to hold Effie,
but my arm only found empty space where she should have been.
My eyes opened slowly; I was hoping she would just be sleeping a little further away.
But when my eyes opened fully,
my heart sunk and my stomach dropped
as the realisation that she wasn’t even in the bed set in.
I practically jumped out of bed,
giving myself a head rush.
Knowing Effie, she had gone off somewhere.
Considering only a few days ago,
she had gone off during the early hours of the day to get high,
who knows what she could be doing to herself right now.
I sighed as I thought about it.
Effie was too beautiful to be doing such harmful things to herself,
I love her. I love everything about her.
But I didn’t like the fact that she was purposefully hurting herself.
She needed help,
and I was here to give it to her.
She just didn’t want to open up about it.
I got dressed and put on a beanie
as I looked out the window and saw it had begun to snow again.
Only lightly, but any snow is cold.
I walked down the hall and checked Lou’s room
just in case Eff had gone to have a late night talk with Ash.
I only found Ash and Lou wrapped together,
and a mighty fine puddle of dribble on Louis’ pillow.
I laughed quietly,
and hoped for Ashley’s sake, she wouldn’t roll into it.
I walked through to the lounge room
and smiled at our Christmas tree and all the decorations we had put up.
I was pretty bloody proud of them.
Both of the decorations and the lads.
Effie wasn’t sitting in any of the lounges
and she wasn’t in the kitchen.
But the door was bloody wide open.
Let the search begin.
My teeth were chattering,
and I could’ve sworn my hair had grown icicles.
I was curled into a ball,
at the foot of a tree
and I shivered and
shivered so much that
I could actually hear my
bones rattle inside me.
I was a small, insignificant piece of matter in the vast expanse of the forest and the world.
Surely, if I disappeared no one would even notice.
I could fall off the face of the planet
and drift away to the stars
and no one would know.
I would be free.
I would be gone.
I couldn’t feel my fingers or my lips or my cheeks.
I felt weightless.
The cold had numbed everything about me
and I laughed bitterly into the cold darkness around me.
A ball of white air puffed before me.
It swirled around and upwards and disappeared.
I said aloud.
A piece of me was free.
True it was only my breath,
but a little piece at a time right?
I could hear something in distance.
Like a voice.
A male voice.
I shook my head as I sat up,
thinking it was a voice inside my head.
I hadn’t gotten rid of it as I heard it again.
I wiped the cold icicles from my cheeks
and squinted into the darkness.
I squinted into the darkness.
I could hear faint breathing in the distance.
What if she’s turning blue from the cold?
Who knows if she actually dressed to go outside in this weather.
If Christmas day was anything to go by; what with
our idioticness and going outside in the snow
in bare feet, she could be out in absolutely
nothing with the fragile state of mind she’s in.
I called out again.
I trudged through the layer of snow that was growing,
and I could see something lying in the snow
at the foot of a tree.
Something that looked human.
I ran the rest of the way,
closing the distance between us quickly.
I crouched down and pulled her up into a sitting position.
“Effie, can you hear me?”
She looked at me with glazed eyes.
It was like she knew I was there,
but she just couldn’t see me.
She was looking straight through me.
Her teeth were chattering like crazy.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit,”
I cursed under my breath.
What was I supposed to do?
Sure, I’ll try to get her back to the condo but then what?
Her skin was so pale,
and she was icy to the touch.
I had to get her wrapped up in a dozen blankets
and sitting in front of the fire place.
I felt arms lift me up out of the snow
as my eyes drifted shut.
The cold was getting to me.
I had gone past the phase of shivering
and I just didn’t feel a thing except
a tingling that had risen in my chest.
I made a groaning noise as it pained me to breathe.
“Effie, say something, please,”
A male voice filled my ears.
My head swayed and my arms were limp as I frowned.
“Stop torturing me!”
I shouted to the voices and wind around me, tears filling my eyes.
The wind felt sharp against my bare skin;
I was in only Harry’s boxers and a shirt of his.
It felt like my skin was going to fall off from frostbite.
The arms wrapped themselves around me,
and I clung to them tightly, even though I felt weak.
I felt so weak.
Unable to function.
I choked out a cry,
and shook my head
“I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t –“
“Yes you can Effie! Please believe me; I will get you through this!”
It was Harry.
It was his arms wrapped around me as we stood in the forest filled with snow in the darkest hour of the morning.
“Harry, oh god, Harry,”
I opened my eyes for a split second
as I looked at him before burying my face in his chest and wept.
I placed her carefully on the couch in front of the fire place
and ran quickly to the cupboard in my room and grabbed
a dozen blankets out to cover her in.
I rushed back as quickly as I could and I could hear her before I was even in the room again.
Her teeth sounded like those wind up teeth things
that freak the hell out of me.
“Oh my god Effie,”
I started to wrap her up in thick woollen blankets,
creating a cocoon around her.
She was a butterfly to me.
She just didn’t know she was.
She needed to shed the ties to her old life,
and spread her bright wings in her new one.
I climbed onto the couch with her,
wrapped an arm around her and her head
fell and rested against my shoulder.
Despite all that had happened tonight/this morning,
She knew that I was here.
She remembered who I was.
She was beginning to calm down.
I was warm.
Oh so warm.
But my chest still pained me
as I sucked in deep breaths of steadying air.
The fire was blazing brightly in front of me
and as it reached my cold, red nose,
it felt like a bee sting.
It was so harsh,
“’Arry, I-I’m … so cold,”
My teeth still chattered together as I spoke
and it reminded me of the Titanic scene
when Rose is on the door and Jack is clinging on.
But even though I said what Rose had said,
I’m pretty sure I felt exactly how Jack must’ve felt.
Rose should’ve moved her fat ass over for him.
Harry wrapped another blanket around me.
I guess that was the difference between Jack and Rose and Harry and I.
Oh, and we weren’t stuck in the icy ocean with dead people floating all around us.
Was all Harry said.
I looked over at the clock on the wall
and made out the time
through the darkness;
I wriggled myself deeper under the many blankets
and they covered my nose which was finally warming up a little.
I didn’t move my head as I looked over at Harry.
He sat so quietly next to me,
like if he even breathed too loudly,
I would fall to a million pieces on the carpet.
I probably would actually.
But I had the urge to talk.
I wanted to talk.
Harry rubbed his hand up and down my arm,
in comfort and to warm me up.
I was definitely getting a cold out of this adventure I had taken.
“H-Harry, I-I … I don’t know what’s wrong w-with me,”
My eyes filled so quickly, like a tap had been turned on.
But no tears slipped over the edges.
“Shh, Effie, you don’t have to talk right now,”
resting his head against mine which lay against his shoulder.
“But I do,”
I sat up a little
and looked at him.
He looked so tired.
He looked so beautiful.
He looked anxious.
He looked worried.
“I have to now b-because I don’t know if there’ll be another time where I c-can talk,”
I looked down, nervously.
I was going to open up.
As much as I could at least.
This was it.
He shook his head lightly,
“You don’t have to, love, you’ll talk when you’re ready-“
“And I’m ready now,”
I shook my head now,
tears blurring my vision.
He looked unsure. Like he was almost scared of what might come out of my mouth. But he had that glint of sincerity and care that always sat in his eyes when he looked at me. When he truly looked at me.
It made me feel like I could do anything. Like I held the key to everything and anything and whatever I did would always end well. No one had made me feel like that before. Well, there was Josh, but that’s different.
Harry was here, now.
And that sincerity was now glazed with tears that sat in his own eyes.
And that made the first of my tears
slide down my warmer cheek.
We stared into each other’s eyes for minutes
which felt like only seconds
as I looked down.
I took one last deep breath.
“I smoke pot,”
I ducked my head as I expected his reaction to be yelling and shouting.
But when I heard nothing of the sort,
I made eye contact with him again.
He whispered deeply.
Of course he knew.
I’d probably been high and doped up many times around him.
I had just forgotten.
“A-and … I think I do because … I just … I-I just …”
A few more tears spilled down my cheeks.
Harry pulled me into his arms then
as he could tell I was in distress
as I tried to explain everything.
“Why is this so hard?”
I whispered into his shoulder,
as I began to cry freely.
“Shh, it’s because it’s so personal, Eff, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now,”
He kissed my forehead as he stroked my hair.
I felt like such a child,
like I was crying over a grazed knee.
But instead I was crying over a grazed soul.
I had the sudden urge to put on one of my Smiths records
I had brought over to Harry’s condo.
It just felt like one of those times.
“White lips, pale face, breathing in snowflakes,”
Harry’s soft voice filled my ears
as he sung a line from Ed Sheeran’s song ‘A Team’.
“Burnt lungs, sour taste,”
I hummed along as he sung,
the lyrics hitting me like snowballs.
I sat up abruptly
and Harry stopped.
“Hang on, are you calling me a drug addicted prostitute?”
He stared into my eyes in shock for about 2 seconds,
before chuckling and shaking his head,
his eyes squeezing shut.
“No love, of course not. It’s just too cold outside, for angels to fly,”
He winked cheekily,
making me smile.
“For angels to fly,”
“For angels to fly,”
We both sang quietly;
my voice rough and broken,
his voice deep and smooth.
“For angels to fly, to fly, to fly,
angels to die.”
The last line hung in the air
and seemed eerily relevant.
Silence filled with room, the only sound was the faint crackling of the dwindling fire.
Harry’s arms were wrapped tightly around me
and for now at least, I thought everything would be okay.
and so! harry is slowly getting through to effie!
please leave a tonne of feedback for this.
i would really love it :3
AND ON ANOTHER NOTE!
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH 1D TONIGHT IN IRELAND, HARRY STYLES WAS TALKING ABOUT MY FLASH MOB!
I HAVE A LINK TO IT AS WELL
AND I SHALL PUT IT UP HERE VERY SOON!
hehe love you girlies x