I feel terrified everyday.
I'm living in fear, fear of judgement and rejection.
Sometimes in my dreams, I fly to a city. No one knows my name. I wear what I want. I say what I want. I'm scared, even in my dreams. What will they think of me? How will I survive? But still I overcome. I become who I want to be. I escape.
But for now,
I've been feeling really down lately. I'm stressed with school, life, basically everything. Sorry this set sucks so much :( I have to get something off my mind. In my mind I wish I could be courageous and wear what I want, but I restrict myself too much. Self-oppression. I'm scared of how others will think of my "new style", I lock myself up. Next year I'll be going to college. What does that mean for myself? I'm not sure. I've applied to two schools in NYC, one of which is my ultimate dream. There's a very very very very slim chance I will make it, and even so, I'm not sure I'll be able to attend. Hopeless but hoping. My other choice was a really great school, but unfortunately it's located right in my hometown. That means all those fantasies about restarting myself are over. I'll still be in fear. Still judged. I hate it. And I feel terrible for thinking so...I mean I've been accepted into a great school, but I can't even appreciate it. I'm scared it will be the same as the jail I've been forced to live in for my whole life. So I guess for now I'll wait.