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i'm in and can't get out, so soft.
soundtrack: SOFT - KINGS OF LEON


"Cam, I know you wanted to see Rob back at your door, and you wanted him to say he loves you and kiss you and for you to make love on that bed behind you... and I know it's just me now. But I want /you/ to know, Cam... that I lo- I love you. And I always have, and I always will."

Just nine hours ago, those words had come out of Alex’s mouth.

The moronic action that Rob had done {showing up to say something was probably no good, then having no balls to say a thing} had been taken the wrong way by Alex. And now?

I felt like sh!t again. 

Whatever I had been feeling since he dumped me, the numb feeling that kept all hidden, has clearly vanished. If someone walked into my apartment right now, and saw me lying on the floor in a bundle of Alex’s sweatshirt and tears, they’d run away screaming as if I were some kind of horror movie character.

I kind of looked like one anyway.

I was in shock, in depression. Alex, my love, my life. He’s done so much for him…and what the hell have I done for him? I didn’t deserve him, but I couldn’t live /without/ him. And why can’t I just go talk to him?

Well, because if I didn’t deserve him, I would let him know that.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself for nine hours now, and so far…it wasn’t going well at all. If I went to go see him…what could I possibly say? What I’m feeling now just can’t be put into words.

But I gave up, 10 hours later he left my apartment. I was a mess, but I brushed my hair, and put on tights and decent shoes and even managed to pick out a purse. I looked terrifying for someone who meant something behind my apartment door, but I walked past my apartment door with not one damn care.
30 minutes later, I was outside the Rivera household; I’ve been looking at the door to the inside of their penthouse for at least an hour now.

What to say, what to say…I thought for millionth time. But this time, my answer wasn’t stupid. This time, the answer was the front door opening.

I looked up, startled, absolutely embarrassed to see Alex like this…no, it was Elena.

She sighed. “How’d you know I was out here?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes with a bit of a smile. “I’ve been hearing you talk to yourself and pace around for the past 45 minutes.”

I blushed. “Is…is he here?”

She nodded. “He finally fell asleep. You can…
go…upstairs. I guess.” 

I nodded slowly, not wanting to even step inside. But I did. On my way up the stairs, I turned back slowly. Elena was sitting back down on the couch, reading a magazine.

“Hey…” I said.


“No, I mean, ‘Heyyy…’, it’s one in the morning. What are you doing up in that sexy dress?” 

She blushed. “I was…out.”

I smirked, thinking of her and Jack. But on my way up the stairs, I looked back at her and saw the natural rosy cheeks she had that I used to have when I first met Alex. I sighed, and then thought a little. She never had that color when she was Jack…

I put the thought away, trying to focus on the guy I was walking up the spiral staircase to see. Butterflies began to dance in my stomach, and I felt myself start to sweat under Alex’s jacket that I wore. It was starting to feel like my own skin.

I twist Alex’s bedroom door knob slowly, peeking in. I thought of the millions of times my hand has touched this doorknob and smiled. Now I was going to try my best to not make this the last.

I stepped in slowly, nearing his bed quietly. I saw his body going up and down with his steady breathing, though his back was to me. His bare chest {he was only wearing boxers} seemed to glow and appeared radiant in the moonlight come thru his bedroom window that looked out onto Manhattan.

As less-noticeable as I could, I popped off my shoes and sank down into the bed next to Alex. I 
listened to the sound of his breathes for awhile.

“I didn’t dump you, you know.” His deep lovely {now rapsy} voice said suddenly in the dark. I swallowed hard. I didn’t answer him, so he continued.

“I only…said…what I said, because if a guy like Robert does anything with you, it brings out the Cameron…I’m not very fond of.”

He turned to me, but looked straight ahead.

“I’m not very fond of that Cameron either,” I said, “But, you know, there’s not much I can d-do.” I wiped a quick tear. He frowned.

“Just like there’s not much I can do about me being a drug-addicted, moronic, naïve—“

“Alex!” I exclaimed, cutting him off. I pouted, leaning into him. “You’re everything…that’s perfect in my life. The only time I’m excited for anything in my daily day is to see /you/, to talk to you, to feel you…Alex, you’re everything to me. Even if some idiot named Rob tries to change that with a stupid crush, or if friends from the past say anything…”

I swallowed hard again. Alex was listening intently with wide eyes.

“I don’t care,” I said, “I just need you in my life, Alex. In any way. Every way. This sounds really cheesy, yeah, and I’m not one to letting my 
feelings out but…”

I leaned into him even more, so that his breath touched my face and his touched mine, “I love you, Alex. Every moment I’m without you it’s like…” I swallowed again. “I get sucked back into 
my old life, and I don’t want that.”

He lay under me, and I put my head down on his bare chest. 

“So…why was—“

“I had just gotten home from the pathetic happy brunch I had tried to put on, and he was just…there. Then he made up some lame excuse for why he was pacing around my front door and left. I don’t know. He’s scaring the hell out of me. After the night he completely molested me…”

I shuddered, and suddenly, Alex’s hands tightened on my arms.

“Cameron,” he said, “Being without you really hurts, too. I was stupid to not trust you, and I’m going to hope you realize that Eli and I were completely never, /ever/ together, and I hate her and them, and ‘Gossip Chick’ or whatever for splitting us apart. I’m sorry, okay?”

I nodded, tears coming out of my eyes involuntarily. 

“Ugh, sorry,” I said, blushing, wiping the tears away.

Before I could wipe another tear, he kissed it away.

“I love you, Cameron.” He said, placing his fingers on the diamond necklace around my neck that he gave me. 

“Je t'aime aussi, Alex.” I whispered. 

Translation: ‘Go to hell, Alex.’

Just kidding. ‘I love you too, Alex.’
He smiled. 

“Bon, parce que vous êtes coincé avec moi."
{Good, because you’re stuck with me.}

I giggled, then, finally, leaned in and gave him a long kiss.

The kisses continued, and like usual, my lips began to burn with that desire like fire. His hands began to discover my body all over again, and his kisses were roaming down my neck. 

Soon, his hands found my tights, and ever so slowly, they slipped off, and fell soundlessly to the floor. I raised my face from his perfect chiseled chest and looked him in the eyes.

“Nothing can tear me away from you, Alex. Please. Let nothing chase me away from you every again.”

He sucked a tear that came down on my face, and left a kiss on my cheek. But something in his face changed.


I gulped. “Yes, Alex?”

He sat up in bed, running his hands up and down my bare legs and up to his sweatshirt, and he smiled when he noticed I was wearing it.

“Well…” he started, his smile fading. “I uhm, got an acceptance letter from Columbia earlier.”
My jaw dropped. “Alex!” I yelled, “That’s awesome! That’s amazing!” I jumped onto him in a tight hug, kissing him multiple times.

“But Cameron…” he pulled me away. I looked at him with wide eyes.

“I’ll be way busier with work and all. I’m thinking about going into the Psychology field…you know how tough that all is. I don’t want to keep you from a bunch of fun with…guys and all because of me.”

I opened my mouth to say something like, ‘Alex! I’d never see anyone but you!’ but his face made me pause.

I gulped, looking down. “Does this have to do with you wanting to see…college girls? And me,” I said, my voice raising, “just a Junior girl, is stopping you from having fun!?” I was practically yelling now.

His face looked stunned, “No! Cameron, not at all!”

I sighed, looking up, since he made me with his hand at my chin.

“Not at all,” He said, looking into my eyes, “I’m saying this for you.”

I looked down. “I don’t think I’d be able to look at anyone the way I look at you, Alex.” 

He smiled a bit, “That’s very /very/ nice to hear. But…really. Your feelings might…” his face dropped, “Change for us when I’m away all the time; I’ll still be living at home, but still. 

"Never /ever/ let me stop you from having a social life. Though I don’t think you’ll have trouble with that,”
He said suddenly with a smirk, like always: 
changing the subject in serious moment.

I smiled weakly. “You’re crazy.”

He put me on top of him, “Just…know this: no more sex 24/7.” I dropped my jaw in fake shock.
“No! We can’t let that happen,” I giggled. He smiled, already pulling his sweater off over my head,

“Let’s start fighting back.”

And soon the fire started again.
Let the flames begin, girls…

- xoxo, Cam.
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