perfect│hedley [love this song so much!]
Billie rogers│chicago’s finest
june 28th, 2012.
After the gala fiasco, I had never been so glad to get back to work. Granted, work was just as awkward as the gala had been but still, it was good to get away to another sort of atmosphere. I hadn’t spoken to Jack since the incident in the toilet when I all but told him that us sleeping together meant nothing to me and that he should run straight back to his girlfriend. Of course, that was a lie as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I liked him and it was messing me up. I had not slept with anyone since him and I hadn’t even so much as looked at a guy. Not that I hadn’t tried to. I had tried my hardest the other night but for some reason I couldn’t go through with it. And I was getting more irritated because of this by the day and it most definitely showed.
“I want those results now! I have been asking for an hour!” The trainee nurses’ eyes began to water as she ran off to get my results, the sobbing loud and clear for everyone to hear in the corridor. Rolling my eyes, I rested my elbows on the nurses’ station and sighed, rubbing a hand over my face.
“Stressed?” I turned to see Shannon smiling at me. She had been the only one brave, or perhaps stupid enough to approach me today.
“Stressed is not the word, more like frustrated.”
Shannon laughed a little. “You clearly need to get laid.”
I groaned, straightening up so I could stand beside her. “I wish I could, believe me.”
She gave me a funny sideways glance. “That’s not like you. What’s going on?” I was about to open my mouth when the source of my problem came towards us, an angry look on his face.
“Why do I have a trainee nurse in my office in tears because a doctor has just shouted at her in front of everyone?” Shannon edged away, mouthing ‘sorry’ to me as she walked away, a smirk on her face. Glaring at her, I turned my gaze back to Jack, who looked livid.
I shrugged. “I didn’t shout at her, I raised my voice slightly. She should take this as lesson to toughen up a bit.”
“You can’t just talk to people like sh-t whenever you want to, no matter how much you think you can.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “That sounded like a personal dig, Dr Graham. I’d appreciate it if you kept your personal opinion of me out of the work place. Now excuse me, I have patients to see.” I side stepped him, bumping his shoulder on the way past. I was a b-tch. It was plain and simple. I was a b-tch and I just couldn’t help it. I felt like kicking myself as I walked away from him. I was ruining my already slim chances with him a little more every day.
Shannon was right. I did need to get laid.
“So why have you not been able to get laid?” Shannon and I were outside of the hospital on our break, relaxing in the cool evening breeze as Shannon had a cigarette.
“Long story.” I groaned as I leant my head against the cool brick wall of the hospital.
“We have half an hour break, so spill.”
I rolled my eyes at her eagerness. She loved gossip but I knew she wasn’t the kind to spread it around. I wouldn’t have been friends with her otherwise.
“I can’t bring myself to sleep with anyone. I tried the other night, when I went out with the guys but I couldn’t do it. I froze and that it a first for me.”
Shannon threw her cigarette on her floor and sat down next to me. “What’s causing it? Something has obviously got you like this.”
“Isleptwithjackgraham.” I took a deep breath and refused to look at her.
“What? I didn’t hear a word of that.”
I took another deep breath. “I slept with Jack Graham.” I whispered it, concerned with anyone listening in.
I heard her laughing beside me and I punched her arm. “It’s not funny.”
“It most definitely is. I would say I can’t believe you did that but I actually can. Everyone can see the sexual tension between you two is electric.” I sighed and held my head in my hands.
“What makes it worse is that afterwards, I told him it meant f-ck all and told him to go back to Camilla f-cking Adams! I’m an idiot, a complete and utter f-cking idiot.”
“You like him, don’t you?”
I nodded, not wanting to say it out loud. “I need to get it out of my system. And quickly because I am going stir crazy here.”
“Well, if we follow the Grey’s Anatomy storyline, McDreamy should have a hot best friend, McSteamy, so let’s go find him and then you can go get laid and it will be all over and done with.” I had to laugh at the way Shannon looked at things, she never failed to make light of situations.
“I’ll be lucky. Come on, shift’s about to start again.” We picked ourselves up from the floor and walked back in, heading reluctantly back to the ward.
“Dr Rogers, can I have a word in my office, please?” Sighing, I placed the patients chart back down at the end of the bed, excused myself and followed Jack to his office, closing the door behind me.
“What’s up?” I didn’t sit down, instead I lingered near the door, ready to make a much needed escape when the tension became suffocating.
“I’m gonna ask something and I want you to tell me whether it’s true or not.” I nodded, not moving.
“Did that night 2 weeks ago mean something to you?”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes.” My throat felt dry and I couldn’t look at Jack. I hated admitting it, it made me feel weak.
“Then why did you say those things to me?”
“Because I needed to. I still need to. This can’t happen, you and I both know that. Can I go?” Jack said nothing as he rose from his seat and began walking towards me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his expression.
I took another deep breath. “I am your intern and you are my attending. That is why this can’t happen.”
Opening my eyes, I found myself looking into Jack’s blue ones, their intensity scaring me. “That is a poor excuse.”
I jerked back, walking backwards into the door. “Excuse me?”
“I said it was a poor excuse. You’re hiding behind it and you know it.” He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “If you’re not going to admit it to me, then at least admit to yourself. You can leave now.”
I stood still for a moment, watching as Jack sat back down at his desk. I didn’t know what to do. Did I tell him that I liked him and us sleeping together wasn’t just sex? Or did I walk away like I always did when life got hard and take the easy way out. Turning, I put my hand on the door handle, opening the door slightly.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” I whispered it, the sound barely audible in my own ears but I knew Jack had heard it because I could hear him moving towards me.
“I just want you to be truthful to yourself.” I felt his arms go around my waist and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling. Jack was in the process of turning me around when there was a knock on the door and we froze.
“Jack, it’s me. I brought you some late dinner.” He backed away from me and I didn’t look at him. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked straight past Camilla, not even acknowledging her.
As I walked past Shannon, she put a hand on my arm to stop me. “Are you okay?”
I nodded and smiled at her. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Believing me, she gave me a smile before walking with me towards the nurses’ station. Taking a quick look behind me, I saw Jack and Camilla locked in an embrace in his doorway. Catching his eye, we stared at each other briefly before I looked away first.
He was completely screwing me and my emotions up.
And I did not like it one bit.