I woke up early and took a shower. Well, I took two showers, a bath, shaved my legs, straightened my hair then got it wet and let it dry naturally, and did my makeup washed my face and then decided I didn't need a whole face of makeup.
"What are you doing?" Mattie asked, standing in my doorway after I stormed out of my closet with my third armful of clothes. The first two were spread around my floor because I couldn't find the right thing to wear.
"I lost some weight, so my clothes don't fit right, only they're too big instead of too small, the opposite of when I was pregnant and Mark dumped me." I kind of deserved that though.
"Oh, okay." He stood in my doorway for another minute before pointing to a dress. "Wear something like that, Mark always said he likes when you wear dresses." And he left. He was still in his pajamas when he came over to eat breakfast with Pop Pop and talk business.
I put the dress on and checked the time. Mark said he would be over at 1 with Sam. It was 12:47 and I had to sit and wait. I checked my phone every two minutes until I heard Sam talking in the hall.
I opened the door and ran to Sam and picked him up and kissed his face all over.
"I missed you baby." I kept kissing Sam's face and forehead and holding him tighter to me, like he was going to disappear. I looked at Mark and smiled. "Thank you." He smiled back at me and nodded.
Sam told me about staying with Marks family and what he did, like he told me yesterday. He fell asleep in my arms after mom filled him with all the food she made.
"Can we talk now?" I asked, shifting Sam's head onto my other shoulder. Mark nodded.
"I missed you Izzy, and I don't want to be without you again, you're the mother of my son." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "And of course I'm always going to love you, but, sometimes I feel like you're not ready for this life, a family, our family." My shoulders dropped.
"But I am, you guys, you're my life. You saw what happened when I didn't have you, and I don't want that, I told you that, the last time we talked." I could feel myself going into a panic attack. "Please, don't leave me again, don't take Sam from me again." I steadied my breathing and stared down at Sam.
Dre heard me and Mark talking in my room, he opened my door without knocking and took Sam out of my arms.
"He doesn't need to hear this." He looked from me to Mark. "Work this out, for him." I didn't really know how to talk to my oldest brother anymore, he had to sit with my fiance, or ex fiance, while I flatlined in an ambulance from an overdose. I didn't really know how to talk to very many people anymore.
"Um, I don't know what to say, honestly, I don't know if you even want to be with me anymore, honestly, I don't think you do." I rested my head on the wall behind my bed.
"Why would you think that? Because I took Sam to stay with my parents while you had your go out and party phase?" I nodded and felt tears at the corners of my eyes. "When I proposed to you, I did it because I love you, and I wanted to be with you, I still do." He rested his head next to mine.
"Really?" I turned my face towards him and smiled.
"Yeah, of course." He stared back at me, he didn't smile though.
"I'm sorry, for everything I did." I didn't break my eye contact with him, occasionally I had to blink to clear my eyes.
"I'm sorry I overreacted." He rested his forehead against mine and shut his eyes.
We sat like that, in silence for a long while, but it was a comfortable silence. Occasionally Sam would run past my door or ask what Mark and I were doing, or where we were, and Mattie or my dad would tell him that we were talking and we'll be back to playing with him soon.
"So, are we okay?" I asked, my eyes still shut. I felt Marks head nod against mine. I rubbed my nose against his and smiled. We didn't kiss or talk anymore, we just went back to a comfortable silence.
I was okay.