And every time I scan the crowds for your head, and every time I fail to look you in the eyes as we pass silently each day, something sends me on a trip wire and I'm messed up, messed up, and falling down.
Wow. That's a bit dismal. I don't really know where that came from.
For BOTESK, we had to make a red set. So, here we are.
It was pretty hard to find pictures and fillers. I'm not a particular fan of red... or this set.
Breathe, Anh. Breathe. Just keep on exhaling and inhaling your breaths to keep on living, Anh.
I know. I'm being melodramatic here.
So I'm trying to remember... it's been a week. A week since I passed him that note. Funny. It seems like it's been longer, like maybe about 2 or 3 weeks.
Just to make sure...
Yup. It's been a week. Wow. It feels like ages.
As I expected... I haven't got a response from him. Everything is back to normal.
But today, I knew that he had lab, which was 2 doors down from biology. I even saw him at lunch today. And honestly, I wasn't planning on doing anything. I mean, now, I get my stuff from my locker after lunch, even though I'm not supposed to. The wing my locker's in is closed during my lunch, and kids who go in are supposed to get a referral or something, but I do it all the time now to save time.
But I also knew that I had English in the wing across from school. To get there, I'd have to either cut through the courtyard, the fast way, or I'd have to go around the entire school, the long way... passing by his math class.
After biology, I took my time in getting out the door, and I turned left, looking back only once, spotting wavy dark brown hair. And I walked as slow as I could, which wasn't slow enough. Matt came upstairs and we punched each other on the arms, as we usually do whenever we pass each other. I'm sure that he saw that. I saw Jake and Ledasha at the end of the hall, and Jake said that he was waiting to say hi to him. I waited for a few seconds, then I had to go. Not that far behind back. I saw a few kids from my class heading upstairs, and I stalled for time by asking them if we were going to the right place. When I went back into the hallway, he was there.
How can a heart run a mile in less than 5 steps?
"Hi, Michael," I said, and I waved, as was my custom to anyone I greeted.
*silence as we walk*
"So, um. Did you get-"
"Yeah. I read it," he cut me off, and I thought I saw a bit of a smirk or smile. I'm not sure.
(insert me being grateful that he didn't say it out loud on the inside)
*sighs* "As expected... I knew you were going to ignore it."
"No-well-I don't know what to do."
"Really?" I said, almost too quiet to hear.
"Bye," and he turned into his class. As soon as he did, I almost bumped into Gary, who probably saw me and him.
Cough. Cough. Walk a few steps. Cough. Cough. Walk a few more steps. Cough. Cough. This continues until I get to class.
If anyone had paid attention, they might have thought I had something in my throat or that I was sick or something.
Well, I did have something in my throat: the sensation of crying.
I felt like I wanted to cry. But at the same time, I knew I wouldn't spare any tears for him.
By the way, in English class, I was sitting by myself, thinking about what just happened when Reyna sneaks up on me and she's like, "ANH! I COMMAND YOU TO SIT WITH US!" and I sit with her, Skylar, and Anum, and we have to choose poems. The whole time, though, Reyna and Skylar and I are messing around and just making jokes and laughing our asses off.
How has life been going? That's the one question that I ask everyone that no one ever asks me.
And I'm glad. Because what if I told the truth?
"Life... has not been going well for me. You see, I'm in a horrible mood. Not just at this moment, but just for a while. I feel like I'm in a war, and it's me against the world. Including my friends and family. No, my friends didn't do anything wrong. Not at all!
But it's just like my parents are trying to force me into something. Specifically, my mom. I don't know what she's trying to do, but I can sense her manipulation. I hate it. I hate it when she tries to manipulate me. In fact, I hate it when anyone tries to use me, but with her, it's fairly obvious because I have to live with her.
I don't feel like there's any happiness. Any joy I feel is short-lived. It's definitely not about Michael in any way. That makes me even sadder for just a few hours. But I don't know... she's just trying to force me into something. And I have to fight and rebel back, but I've got no one on my side.
And right now, I just hate society in general and humanity sucks and I want to change it, but no one will do it with me, and it's just so much harder on your own. I'm willing to be a catalyst for change. But there's nothing for me to be able to act upon."
I know that it's just another one of my bouts of depression that I occasionally get, but the thing is, they've been coming a lot more frequently than usual. Usually, they're spaced a few months in between, but it's been barely a month since my last one.
Seriously. A month, a few weeks in between, and they're getting closer and closer as winter comes. This is what happened last year, somewhat. SAD, I've suspected, but I've never told anyone.
But lately... I've been tempted to scratch. I keep telling myself, keep on moving, Anh, it's not worth it now, just keep on living, and don't do it. So I don't. But then I dig my nails into whatever my hands happen to be near, whether it's my palm or a chair or my leg.
I need to cut my nails.
And I know I shouldn't. I'm trying not to. It's been about 3-4 weeks since I did.
It's hard. I don't want to, but then it's hard.
That's just the basic element of everything: it's hard, and I'm sad.