Okay, I need to ... let out some stuff that's on my mind? If that's okay...
My mother had to literally spoon-feed me this morning . To get me to eat. And I don't know why it's getting worse and worse. I thought it was supposed to get easier. And then I saw her cry because of it and I felt like I should hug her or something, but... I don't want her to feel my fat. All this FAT that I carry around. And then I think , I have the power to make this easier for her. But the truth is I don't. If I could make it just.. go away, I would. And then she made me come into the bathroom with her while she had a shower, because she knew I was going to go throw up what she'd managed to get me to eat. And I... I hate that I block her like this. Everything is an obstacle. I don't let her make me house coffee because of the eleven calories, I'm not allowed to go into Eroboristerie and farmacies by myself, I always throw out the suppliments that she gives me because of the four calories, and she found out about it. She needs to take me to get my blood tests again and she's worried sick because I havent' had my period for almost a year now... And the thing is: I DON'T KNOW HOW OT HELP.
I'm sorry for the rent.
I just... really don't know what to do. 
I even cut again and I promised her I wouldn't and I ... I love my mother just so much and I don't know how to stop putting her through this... 

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