ll Is Anybody Listening- Danity Kane ll
Saturday, July 28, 2012: Free day!
Collab with @hellobombshell
Read part 1 here- http://www.polyvore.com/money_is_reason_we_exist/set?id=54536404
After some dreadful shopping and a disgusting, calorie-packed lunch with some less than desirable company, we finally all get home. Cass, Camille and I all go our separate ways, mainly, just going back to our rooms.
I plop the shopping bags down onto my floor, kicking my sandals off and throwing my Burberry bag into the closet. I'd put it back into it's respectful place later.
Cass had been shooting me weird, mysterious looks all through lunch and even on the ride home. At first i thought that maybe ti was because she had walked in the bathroom right after I had purged. I worried at first that maybe, possibly, she had heard me. But she couldn't have… she just couldn't have. I was already out of the stall by the time she walked in, so it just wasn't possible… right?
I turned around, standing in front of my full length mirror, and c*cking my head over my shoulder, looking at my size 00 butt. It was a bit plump, sure, but I was positive it was nothing a little few trips to the bathroom and less calories could fix.
I walked out of my room, opening the door to the bathroom Cass and I shared and immediately, locking it behind me, turning the faucet on full blast as I knelt down, the tile cold on my knees, ready to empty everything.
It was around eight-thirty when I heard the knock on the door. I was on my laptop, the glowing Macbook Pro screen on displaying Facebook, where some drama was going on, so of course, I had to sit here with a grin on my face, watching it unfold.
"Come in!" I call.
"Cierra?" Cass's voice calls, opening the door slightly and popping her pretty little head inside. "Can I come in? I need to talk to you."
I nod, "Sure," I say, closing my laptop lightly. My heart had sank when she said she had to talk to me. I hated those words. I always knew at that point that whatever I was going to be told was probably bad and not in my favor, so whenever I heard those six words together, I was less than a happy camper.
Cass comes in, sitting on the corner of my bed. I stretch out my long legs, then crossing them. "What is it?" I ask cautiously. "Did mom 'accidentally' fall down the stairs as an excuse for her to get another nose job?" I say sarcastically, a pretend pout on my big lips.
Cass sighs, "This isn't a joke, Cierra, I'm serious," She sighs again, looking down for a moment and playing with the bracelets on her delicate wrist, pausing, before then picking her head up and looking at me, trying to meet my eye. "What were you doing in the bathroom at lunch today?"
If my heart wasn't already six feet under, it definitely was now. I stared at her for a second, the fake pout disappearing and my lips going into a thin line, my eyes staring at her, my heart beating fast buried under the dirt of being found out. "I don't now what you're talking about." I inform her.
"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," She says matter-of-factly. "You were making yourself throw up."
"Was not," I scoff back. There's something about hearing it aloud that makes it so much more real. Something that makes it so much more intense and scary and I hate it. I didn't want to admit it. At all. Because I know that if I did, then surely, she'd run along and tell mommy, who would then probably stuff some food inside me and then make me feel bad for stuffing that food in. There was no happy medium in the situation I was put in.
"Yes, you were," Cass says, softly, her eyes staring at me with emotion. "Cierra, why would you do that?"
I roll my eyes, "Why do you think?" I say back snippily. "I'm stressed. And with you and all the other freaking sisters around, /and/ mom around, it's pretty hard to keep food down."
"Cierra," She sighs. I could just feel a lecture coming on. "Don't you know how much you're hurting yourself? And not only that, you're so beautiful, I don't even understand how you could be doing that…"
I look at her, in mock shock. "Oh, really? I'm so beautiful?" I snicker. "That wasn't what you were saying at lunch today," I say accusingly.
A wave of hurt passes over Cass's face and I feel bad for a second. But she brought it up. She's the one that just had to confront me about it.
"You know I didn't mean it like that,"
"Maybe," I say. "But you still said it. But don't worry, that comment doesn't even measure up to half the comment's mom's been giving for the last seventeen years of my life,"
"You don't have to do this though," She reminds me. "Just because mom, or the other sister's say anything like that doesn't mean you have to listen to it and harm yourself…"
I scoff, my face falling. My face was no longer just mocking and bluntness, now it was just pure sadness, my eyes glassy and my lips curled up in a sad little smirk. "You don't really get it, do you?"
Cass sighs softly, suddenly looking tired. "You're right," She says. "I don't get it. Explain. Explain to me why you're hurting yourself and possibly putting your life in danger, because I can't even wrap my mind around it."
I look at her, then looking dan for a split second before looking back up at her. "You don't know what it's like. Every waking second of every day since I was a newborn, I was just never good enough. I was never good enough for mom, ever. At least, compared to all of you guys, I wasn't. It was always- Oh, Cierra, why can't you take up a sport like Cass? Or- Oh, Cierra, why can't you be as thin and healthy looking as Cass? It wasn't just being compared to you though that bothered me. I was always compared to everyone else. And when I wasn't being compared, I was being told I was fat, even when the puking started and the sizes dropped from a four to a double zero in a matter of three weeks…" I paused, taking in a breath. "The puking isn't something I do every single day though. Just when I need it. But I still just don't even know why I'm never good enough. I'm tinier than all of you, I have the smallest size, the inches around my thighs are perfect, and so is my waist… I just don't understand why I'm not good enough," My voice crackles, and I swallow the huge lump that has formed into my throat.
Cass just looks at me, then doing something surprising, and actually leaning in and hugging me. I was never much of a hugger, ever, so I just kinda sit there awkwardly, watching as she pulls away, and then curling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
"Cierra, you're beautiful, and don't let mom, or anybody, tell you different. You have to stop doing this though, really, before you seriously damage something and end up hurting yourself,"
I shrug, "I'm fine, I'll be fine," I say. I wasn't going to make some kind of a promise or anything to stop purging or something, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep it. But honestly, I didn't think I had that big of a problem. I mean, I know there's people who have their eating disorder way worse than me, so why would I even bother trying to 'get better'? I didn't have a problem. I was fine. Fine.
"Cierra," She sighs. Ugh, I was starting to hate her saying my name so much. "You have to stop… I don't care if you think you're fine or not, you have to. You should see someone… maybe if you tell mom, she can-"
"No!" I cut her off there with a very firm, very blunt answer.
"She could help you though, I'm sure she can pull some strings and find one of the best doctors in Nantucket if you'd just-"
"I said no," I say. "I don't want mom's or anybody for that matter's help. I don't need it. Besides, if I even told her she'd wave it off and just say that I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. But like I said, I'm fine."
She looks at me, as if she's deciding if this fight is a battle worth even fighting with me. She knows that pretty much whatever she says won't make me change my mind.
I sigh, "I'm okay, alright? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm perfectly, f-i-n-e," I say. "Okay? Just don't tell mom or anyone, okay? Promise?"
She tilts her head to the side, sighing lightly, "Fine, I promise," She says, getting off my bed and slowly walking to the door. "But please, just try to get better, okay?"
I nod, "I'm fine, I don't need to get better," I put a smile on my face. "Thanks though, Cass,"
"No problem," She says. "But if you ever need any help, then I'm here for you," She smiles lightly before opening the door of my room and disappearing.
Okay so just an fyi, none of the sisters know about this yet, so yeah. They will soon find out about all of this though.