ll Dark Side- Kelly Clarkson ll
I haven't written for Jenny in awhile. I was going to just post a story to my previous Jenny set but I have about a million drafts for Jenny lol, so I figured I should just use one of those. Oh and Barbara in those VS pictures? LOVE. I'm PRAYING she'll be in the fashion show this year.
I'm on here for a bit and I figured I should publish this because this has been in my drafts for about a couple months and I finished the story a few weeks ago and I'm bored so… yeah.
I toss and turn, hugging my warm blankets closer to my small body, which was shivering. My mind was stirring, racing from the nightmare I had just had. It was terrible, a dream consisting of blood seeping from my wrists after cutting too deep. A classical nightmare in my case.
I'd been craving cutting more than ever now. I was nearly having withdrawal from it. Some people may think that cutting is different from any other addiction, but all in all, it's exactly the same. Cutters still suffer from withdrawal and relapse, we go through what any other addict goes through, and honestly, I think we go through it ten times worse.
I sit up in my bed, opening up my eyes and yawning slightly, glancing over at the alarm clock that was on the bedside table. It's neon green letters glowed 5:00 A.M. Looking over to the window, I could see that it was starting to be light outside. It was light blue shining with hints of gold glimmer, clearly the sun peaking it's way up.
I slide my hand underneath my mattress, my fingers quickly finding and grasping the silver razor blade that I hid there the second that I got here. They were good at finding things and confiscating them, but luckily, they haven't found my lucky blade. It was a really good thing too, because this blade was one of the last that I had left, they had took all the others after all.
I pull the blade out, looking at it with admiration. It was worn out, sure, and could probably be sharpened, but it did it's job good, and that was all that mattered.
I bring it down closer to my wrist which was turned upright. I was almost pressing it against my skin when I realized… did I really want to? Well, of course I wanted to, but I'd come so far. I was nearly a week or two clean without cutting, and here I was going to just go ahead and ruin my clean streak. I wanted to though… I /needed/ to.
But instead of cutting my wrist as I had planned, I take a deep breath, sliding the razor blade back into it's place underneath my mattress. Deep breaths, Jenny, I tell myself. Deep breaths. Dr. Jacobs had always told me of positive things to think about when I'm in a situation like this. She told me of maybe going to a happy place, or of thinking about my family (although, let's face it, I really didn't want to think about them. I'd come to realize that being here is actually good for me because at least I can get away from them.), and sometimes, the things she told me to think about… work. But other times, it's hopeless and I give into the temptation I've been faced with.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed, and stand up, glancing at Serenity in her bed just a few feet away. She looked so nice… so peaceful. She'd been doing good lately. She'd been sober. Making progress.
I walk over to the window, looking out of it and watching the sun come up. It looked amazing. Like it was a promise for a brand new day that was filled with possibilities. The sun arose over the greens and buildings of Clark's, looking beautiful, majestic.
I forgot the worries of relapsing, instead taking a few deep breaths and looking out the window, suddenly excited for the day. I went back to my bed, snuggling into the covers, ready for a brand new day, a new start.
Two hours later I was being shaken awake. "Jenny," Serenity uses a soft voice, cooing to me. "Wake up," She says. I open my eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them and looking at her. I'd only gotten two good hours of sleep, so I was a bit tired, but kinda excited for a new day. I hadn't felt this hopeful for a good day in an extremely long time, so this was kind of a new feeling for me.
"Get dressed, we have to go to breakfast and then we both have an appointment with Dr. Jacobs," She informs me.
I yawn, sitting up and stretching myself out.
"Your cuts are healing," She points out.
I nod, shrugging, "Yeah, I guess they are," I say with a small smile.
Serenity and I were at a state of peace, maybe even a state of friendship. Sure, there was the occasional mean comment or dirty look, but for the most part, we were okay, and we usually always trying to push each other to do better in our recovery.
Recovery wasn't an awkward topic anymore. A year ago I probably would've cringed if I had seen her looking at my cuts, probably because it still sent shivers down my spine, but now, I was okay with it. Besides, it's not like my cuts could even be concealed. Clark's had an 'Open Arms' policy they had told me about, which meant no band-aids to cover my cuts and no makeup to conceal them. They said that they liked to see the recovery visually, and that with band-aids it would be difficult, so I just had to deal with it.
"How long has it been?" She asks.
I get out of bed, walking over to my dresser and getting undressed. "How long has it been since what?" I ask.
"Since you cut," She says.
"Hm.. a week and a half, maybe?" I answer, pulling a soft shirt over my head and shrugging on my golden shorts. "Withdrawal sucks, but I'm just trying to power through it," I say turning to look at her as I slip my foot into a matching gold, mouse ballet flat.
"You go through withdrawal?" She asks, grabbing a grey eyeshadow and beginning to apply it to her eyelids, looking in a Chanel compact mirror.
I nod, running a huge paddle brush through my hair, letting it fall into it's natural, messy waves. "Yeah… same as any addict, really… it's easy to slip up, but it's hard to resist it."
"You'll power through it, I know it," She says, applying some mascara to her already thick lashes, then winking at me. Ah, if only she knew how close I came to cutting just two hours ago.
"Thanks," I say winking back at her as I look at my face in the mirror, applying a bit of makeup to my bare face. "Speaking of which, how long has it been since you've had a drink?" I ask.
She shrugged, closing the sleek black compact and shoving it into her makeup bag. She bit her lip. I knew then that she had slipped up.
I raise an eyebrow at her, waiting for her answer.
"Yesterday," She shrugs nonchalantly.
"I thought you were staying sober though?" I say quietly, not judgmentally either, because obviously I understood all about the whole temptation thing.
"It's hard, Jenny," She says, turning to look at me.
I smile lightly, walking over to her and linking arms with her, "I know… let's just forget about it, okay? Come on, let's go to breakfast," I say.
"Sounds good to me," She says.
Once we're in the cafeteria, all settled in with food on our plates and sitting at our usual table, we begin to dig in. We're tables away from all the anorexics that have a hard time eating, and we're away from all the other people with problems, but there's still an attendant keeping an eye on us.
I begin cutting into my waffle with my fork… since I was a self-harm patient, I wasn't allowed a knife.. not even a freaking plastic one. The fork is no use though and I turn to Serenity, feeling so stupid and childish, "Can you please freaking cut this for me?" I ask.
Serenity tilts her head to the side, raising an eyebrow at me, "Can't you just go and get a knife?"
"I can't… I'm not allowed sharp objects," I say simply.
She nods, "Ohhh," She says, then pulling my plate closer to her, cutting it into small pieces. "If only the attendants knew about the razor you hide underneath your mattress," She chuckles.
I look at her as she slides the plate back to me, "How did you know that?" I ask her. I'd never told her about my hidden razor blade, at least I don't think I ever have.
She shrugs, taking a sip of her orange juice. "I've woken up in the middle of the night to see you pulling it out," She says nonchalantly.
"Oh… I never knew that you knew," I say.
"It's the same as me with my old stash of alcohol and pills," She reminds me. "You have your sharp objects, and I have my pills and alcohol."
I nod, taking a bite of my waffle. She was right. We both did have our way of satisfaction. We were kinda one in the same really.
After we were both done we sat there in silence before I thought of something. "How is Isaac going to get his meals?" I ask. "I mean, in solitary, do they bring you food or do they just starve you?"
Serenity looks at me, raising her eyebrows, "I doubt that a place that stuffs food into you is seriously going to starve you, Jenny," She says. "They bring you the meals. You barely have any elbow room though so it's kinda hard to eat."
"Is it really that small?"
"Yeah… really small," She says nodding.
I couldn't help but wonder why Serenity was ever in solitary. She had stated last night though that she didn't want to talk about it, so even though my curiosity was killing me, I had to respect her decision. Maybe when she's ready, she'll talk, I figure.
"When's our appointment with Dr. Jacobs?" I ask.
She looks over at the large clock on the wall, "Like… in a few minutes, come on," She says, standing up. I stand up as well, grabbing my tray and throwing the remains in the garbage. We walk out of the cafeteria, heading to the Dr. Jacobs's office.
"Does she want to see us separately or joint?" I ask.
"Both," Serenity sighs.
I roll my eyes. I really wasn't even in the mood for a therapy session. Sure, I could probably use talking to Dr. Jacobs after this morning when I almost cracked, but if I admitted, then my razor would be confiscated, and then if I really did need it, I wouldn't have it.
"Not in the mood for therapy?" She asks, noticing my annoyed look.
I nod, "I'm really just not in the mood to talk to her about my feelings and my 'progress'," I sigh. "It gets annoying."
"Tell me about it," She agrees.
"At least you don't have to show her your arms every visit," I point out. "And if she doesn't make me show them, she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she's looking for cuts or scarring."
"Ouch," She winces. "Are you serious? That sucks…"
I nod, sighing again, "I guess until I get out this is how it'll be," I say. "If I ever get out," I say as we reach the outside of the office.
"If? What makes you think you'll never get out?"
I shrug, "Sometimes I just kinda doubt I'm ever going to get out of her, but whatever," I shake it off, reaching over and knocking on the door, suddenly not even wanting to discuss my doubts on my recovery.
Dr. Jacobs answers quickly, ushering us in. We sit together on the plushy couch, and Dr. Jacobs sits behind her desk, folding her hands together, a smile on her face. "So, how have you two been?"
I look at her, raising an eyebrow. "Good…?" I answer unsurely, not certain what to really say. I cross my legs nervously, looking to Serenity, waiting for her reaction.
"Jenny's right… we're good.. why? How are you today Dr. Jacobs?" She turns on her sugary sweet voice that sounds so sickly sweet, it's enough to make my stomach turn and my mouth turn upwards in a smile quickly.
"Cute, Serenity," Dr. Jacobs says, "I'm good. But how have you two been since your fight?"
I shrug, "We've been good to each other…" I answer awkwardly.
"Yeah…" Serenity says. "We're friends,"
I let out a giggle, Serenity and I are friends… it's weird hearing that considering the first time that I met her I practically hated her. I guess we had come a long way.
"Is that… funny to you, Jenny?" Dr. Jacobs asks.
I shrug, "Not funny necessarily… it's just that… well, we've come a long way. We used to hate each other's guts, but now we're close and we're so honest and trusting to each other… it kinda just shows how much things can change."
"I think both of you girls have made excellent progress," Dr. Jacobs says, studying the both of us. "It seems as though the both of you kinda push each other's recovery,"
"What do you mean?" Serenity asks.
"It seems like you two support each other in a positive way, rather than the way that people in here usually do," She looks at us. "It's like genuinely want each other to get better,"
"We do though," I say. "I want Serenity to be better as much as she wants me to be better,"
"There's no problem with that, right?" Serenity asks.
"No," Dr. Jacobs shakes her head. "No, no problem at all, but it's interesting… intriguing, really," She smiles. "I think it might actually speed up both of your recoveries,"
"Really?" I ask.
"Really," She nods, a smile on her face. "Now, I'll have to do your individual therapies," She says, immediately looking to Serenity, "Serenity, can you please leave the room? You can come back as soon as Jenny is finished."
Serenity shrugs, "Fine with me." She gets up off the couch, walking out the door.
I look to Dr. Jacobs, readying myself for the usual asking of feelings, checking wrists and things. Every therapy session was the same I think, but I was somewhat making progress.
"How have you been feeling?" Dr. Jacobs asks.
I shrug, "Okay, I guess,"
"Any thoughts of cutting?"
"Well, yeah, of course.. I've been having those thoughts since I got here… sometimes I've given in but I'm just trying to stay strong,"
"I'm glad to hear that," She smiles.
"Mhm… I'm glad I'm able to say that," I smile back. "Is there any real reason you wanted both Serenity and I to come in today?" I ask curiously.
"Well, not really," She answers. "Besides for the fact that you two are really unique cases, like I stated earlier. It really is interesting though… it's kinda sweet though. It's like you two are sisters," She smiles once again.
I find myself letting out a giggle, "Sisters? Seriously?" I chuckle, then shrugging my petite shoulders. "Maybe…" I say.
"You're doing good Jenny… I'm impressed," She says, inspecting me.
"Thanks," I say.
"You're doing so good, you might only have to stay here another week or two," She says.
The second I hear those words, I feel happy. But I realize I don't really want to leave… I can't. Not only do I not feel ready to leave, since judging by last night, I'm still very open to the idea of giving into it. And not only that, I didn't want to go home, back to that terrible household. And most of all, I didn't want to leave Serenity… not yet, not just when we were getting along. I just couldn't leave yet.
"Really?" I mutter out.
She nods, "Really! Isn't that exciting?"
"Yeah!" I say with fake enthusiasm and a smile a million miles wide to trick her. I can't let her know that I'm not ready, because if I did tell her that I'd almost cut last night then my last razor would be gone, and not only that, then she'd be disappointed. But I had to find a way to stay here… and I knew exactly the way.
"You can go Jenny, send Serenity in though!" She smiles.
I get up, smiling and nodding, "Okay! Bye! Thank you!" I say happily, then shutting the door with a bang, looking at Serenity, who's sitting on a bench, looking bored out of her mind.
"She's ready for you," I say dryly, my mood being completely sucked clean.
She stands up, "Okay… hey, I'll see you back at the dorm?" She says as I start walking away.
I turn around, looking at her, "Okay," I call back with a fake smile as I quicken my pace, hoping to get out of there as fast as I could.
The second I get back to the dorm, I slam the door behind me, then hopping over to my bed.
In order to stay here, I had to resist treatment… I had to stop making progress.
Meaning, I had to cut. I had to. If I wanted to stay here, then I had to.
It's weird letting myself think these things when I spent weeks thinking the exact opposite. But I didn't want to leave. I couldn't. I wasn't better, I didn't want to leave Serenity and Aaron, and I didn't want to see my family, who, if anything, would just trigger me even more.
I reach underneath my mattress, my hand snaking it's way towards the razor, that's exactly where I left it. I stare at the silver razor blade in my hand, looking at it with glee. I turn my wrist upwards, making some fresh cuts, right there and watching while the blood poked through, breaking into tiny beads.
I let it bubble, allowing the air to hit it and for the cut to ache and sting.
If this was what it took to stay, then so be it.
After a few minutes, Serenity came back, kicking off her shoes and sitting on her bed, "Hey," She says.
"Hey," I say to her.
"Are you okay? You seemed kinda off after you got out of Dr. Jacob's office…" She says, looking at me intently.
I nod, "Yeah," I smile. "I'm fine."
I'm not though. I'm not ready to leave, I don't want to go.
I can't let Serenity know though. I can't. If I tell her I might be leaving, it might make her feel bad, like I'm succeeding and she's not, which honestly, isn't even true because I know that Serenity is doing a thousand times better than me when it comes to progress.
I keep my mouth shut, a tight smile on my face.
If I want to stay, then I have to cut a lot more than I ever had before. I had to be making new ones every single day to extend my stay here.
And if that doesn't work… I don't know what will.
Hope you don't mind me using Serenity @hellobomshell :)