mmn; Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.

SKINNY LOVE - BON IVER
i really like this set. {:
merry christmas to everyone! (its like 3 days late, oops)
 

uhm, for all my mmn girls,
i honestly feel like this is one of the worst
stories i've ever written.
 
i got really impatient halfway through and just wanted to finish it, so its rushed and doesn't include all the fun moments i wanted to add in and it makes me sad.
 
i wanted it to be too perfect.
bleh.
 
its also typed in that funny way because i did it on my laptop. so sorry the paragraphs are so scrunched together.
 

collab with my darlin' @little-red
I'M SORRY I FAILED YOU.
 
shame ~
 

 
Ashley Hartman
MMN
 

12/21/11;
 

 
I had a dream
about two blue eyes
and a pair of lips
and rough hands everywhere.
 
There was love there; everywhere.
 

When I woke up to the dull, winter sunlight
my dream had come true.
 
Louis’s hands were around my waist.
My fingers were intertwined with his.
I could see his face and his stubble and his bare chest.
His thumb rubbed circles on the small of my back.
 
“You snore like a kitten,” Said his scratchy morning voice.
 
Oh my god.
 
I squirmed under the blanket
and my heart did a little jump.
 
“You shouldn’t talk until you’ve had tea or coffee or something.”
 
His thumb froze
and I could see worry there; everywhere.
“Why do you say that?”
 
I swallowed hard again and moved closer, feeling the butterflies in my
stomach turn into something else. I pressed my teeth into my bottom
lip.
 
“Honestly?”
 
He leaned back, brows wrinkled.
“Honestly.”
 
“It really turns me on.”
 
Louis laughed and the mischief sparked in his eyes again and his leg
slipped between mine and I nearly gasped out of the beauty of it all.
He rolled over and pressed his lips to my forehead.
 
I closed my eyes.
His hands trailed down my sides.
Down, down, down,
under the sheets,
touching skin against skin.
 
I stared at his face.
 
At the perfect jaw line, at the laugh line on the right of his lips,
at the sun kissed freckles that were nearly invisible, at the slight
bags under his lids no matter how well he slept; it seemed too much
beautiful to be real.
 
And thinking about last night, my cheeks got very pink
and I bit into my lip so hard I thought it might bleed.
 
“You’re amazing,” I told him softly.
 
He didn’t have to ask what he was amazing at; he knew.
 
“Funny, I was about to say the same to you,”
 
The roughness.
Sweet jesus.
 
I pressed my lips to his collarbone
and bit down gently.
“What did I say about talking?”
 
“But what if I want you turned on?”
The famous boyish grin appeared on his face.
 
And his roaming hand
found a place we both liked
very, very much.
 
I groaned and wrapped my legs around the back of his knees, using all
the upper body strength I had to flip Louis over so that I leaned over
his chest. His mouth made an ‘o’ shape as I set my palms on either
side of him, pressing my thumbs against the spot right above his hip
bones.
 
Pressing and pressing
as I leaned closer to his lips.
 
I brushed mine against his own, trailing down his cheek, neck, chest,
stomach. My thumb traced a figure on his soft skin as I nipped the
inside of his thigh. I could feel the heat in his veins, hear his
rapid heartbeat under his ribs; I stopped to look at his face.
 
I wished I had a camera.
 
I grinned at him.
 
Louis let out a moan.
“You’re a fu.cking tease, you know that?”
 
This time it was him
who switched positions
and I ended up
on the bottom, head hitting the pillow forcefully.
 
I let out a giggle.
He moaned again.
 
There wasn’t enough time to take a single breath before Louis had
crashed his mouth against mine, tongue sliding against my lip as it
begged for entrance. He grabbed a fistful of hair with one hand, the
other moving down my side and pulling my leg around his waist.
 
There weren’t anymore games after that.
Just love; everywhere.
 

 

12/25/11;
 

{2:38 AM}:
 

“Ashley, wake the fu.ck up,
what are you, a lead paperweight!?”
 
There was a blonde in my dream this time
and she was yelling –
it was more like loud hissing actually –
and her hands were pulling at my ankles.
 

I blinked around at the dark room that was not my own, at the mess of
sheets, at the pile of cd’s on the rug by the bed, and reached out to
touch the boy next to me with a sleepy smile.
 
But his spot was empty.
 
I jerked up.
 
“Oh, sure, you wake up to that, but not me nearly pulling your feet off.”
 
Effie stood at the end of my bed, my feet in her hands.
She dropped them and shook her head.
 
“What the he.ll, Eff-?” I ran a hand through my mess of hair.
 
Her eyes got real wide and she rushed over to the side of the bed and
shushed me with her hand on my mouth. “I think there’s someone in the
condo,” She whispered lowly. I gasped into her palm. “The boys aren’t
in their room and when I went out into the living room, the door was
wide open. I tried to go back to bed but then there was this loud
crash and…”
 
Effie’s face said everything she couldn’t.
She was scared.
 
I nodded, quietly stepping onto the wood floor and pressing my shaking
hand to her shoulder. “C’mon, we’ll go check it out.”
 
There were plenty of neighbors around to hear our screams
but just in case I grabbed a soccer trophy off Lou’s shelf
and held it tightly in my arms.
 
Together, we tip-toed out into the foyer.
 
It must’ve been a funny picture – two girls with bed head, dressed in
nothing but their boyfriends t-shirts and boxers, crazy eyed and a
weapon in hand.
 
But what we found was even funnier.
 

Zayn stood with Liam in the corner, a pitiful looking Christmas tree
held over his head as Liam deliberated about where it should go. It
started to lean forward, so Zayn had to move under it to keep it
balanced, then it would lean back, and he’d have to readjust again.
Liam kept his face serious as he spoke aloud about possible locations.
 
Bubble wrap and tissue paper and ribbon lay skewed out across the
floor like holiday confetti.
 
But the most entertaining thing came from the middle of the room where
Louis and Harry were tangled together by wrapping paper and bows. Both
boys had their hands held up high, fighting over a golden star,
struggling against the binds that held them together. Niall was
circling them with a roll of lit tree lights and working them up a
spiral.
 
“Harry, give it back! I had it first!”
 
“No! You always get to do the star,”
 
“That’s because I’m the oldest you twit,”
 
“You’re the twit, you twat!”
 
“Harrreeehh, G’doff!”
 
“You G’doff, Loouuheehh!”
 
They looked at each other intensely
and at the same time yelled,
“LIAAAMMM.”
 
Niall stuck a bow on both of their mouths.
 

I don’t know who busted into laughter first; effie or me.
 
But the trophy fell to the floor with a thud
and I collapsed against the couch.
 
All five of the boys looked up in unison, just noticing us in the doorway.
 
“Oh shi.t,”
 
“You mean poop!”
 
“Darnit,”
 
“You ruined the surprise!” Louis whined, his lower lip pouting out
like a toddlers. “You… You bumholes!”
 
Effie fell to the floor in giggles.
 
“What’s funny about this?” Harry demanded. He stretched a foot out to
nudge her in the side, sending both boys wobbling. “Hm? You just
ruined your whole Christmas gift!”
 
Zayn wrinkled his brows from under the tree.
“And what’s with the soccer trophy?”
 

More laughter.
More ribs breaking.
More scolding.
 

“What… what…” I took a deep breath, flicking a stray bow into the air.
“What is all this?”
 
“It looks Santa Claus threw up in here,” Effie caught and stuck it on
the middle of Harry’s trousers.
 
His eye brows shot up.
They exchanged a flirty grin.
I felt the overwhelming urge to look away.
So did the rest of the room.
 
“Well, now that this has been sufficiently awkward,” Louis cleared his
throat. “We might as well spill the beans,”
 
“Let the cat out of the bag,”
 
“Rock the gravy bowl,”
 
“Give away the marbles,”
 
“Yes all of those things,”
Lou poked his hands over his wrapping paper cocoon.
 
“We were going to surprise you with a Christmas wonderland when you
woke up.” He shot a look at me and frowned.
 
I held my hands up. “I saw nothing,
I’m going back to bed.”
 
Harry’s arm had found an escape route from the tape and had pulled
effie up to the paper bindings that held him and Lou. They were in the
middle of a pretty intense whispering session. Liam, Niall, and Zayn
had all retreated to setting up the tree.
 
“You’re having plenty of fun here,” I chuckled, patting his head.
 
Louis made a face
and slapped Harry’s cheek.
 
“Hazzah, you dirty boy! What if your mommy heard you talking like that?”
 
I went back to the
cozy bed calling my name
and settled underneath the covers
to dream about
the boy in the
wrapping paper
cacoon.
 

 

 

“It’s Christmas, oh Christmas, we spent all night deecc-orr-raatiing.
There’s cinnamon buns in the oven – we had to lock niall in the closet
to keep him from getting ‘em – now get up and eat theemmmm.”
 

I recognized Louis’s soft voice
and the strumming of a guitar.
Voices sang harmonies behind him.
 
I smiled sleepily.
 
“Don’t be selfishhh, it’s christmasss,
Effie’s waitinnnggg for yoouu,” He sang.
 
The clock blinked in red letters.
6:32 AM.
 
I pulled the covers up to my chin and shook my head.
 
Just a few more minut-
 
“SO YOU GOTTA GET UP,”
 
All at once, four pairs of feet jumped onto the bed and warm bodies
collapsed on top of me.
 
“IT’S TIME TO GET UP, YOU GOTTA GET UP,”
 
I rolled over, groaning as someone jumped up on the space above my
head, shouting in my ear. Harry had his whole body draped across me
and Louis had my hands in his as he used them as puppets.
 
I tried to bury myself further under the covers
but it was practically impossible.
 
“ITS CHRISTMAS, SO ITS TIME TO GET UP. YOU GOTTTAA GETTT UPPP.” They
sang in my ear.
 
I stuffed my palm in someone’s face
- Louis’s, hopefully –
and mumbled a few choice words.
 
“POTTY MOUTH.”
 
“IT’S TIME TO GET UP,
EVEN IF YOU HAVE A FILTHY VOCABULARY,
AND OPEN PRESEEENNTS.” Niall chimed.
 
“If you don’t shut up,” I opened my eyes to glare at the boys with
their faces shoved too close for comfort. “I’m going to kill someone.”
 
Niall’s fingers slipped on his guitar
and he plucked the wrong key.
 
Harry turned to Louis, the santa hat smashed over his hair wobbling.
“This is what happens when you don’t bang her at night. She gets
grumpy.”
 
I used every bit of strength I had
to kick Curly right
off the bed.
 
He rolled onto the floor, half-laughing, half-groaning.
“Oh fu.ck.”
 
Louis scooted up and took my face in his hands.
Our noses touched.
 
I flicked the reindeer antlers on his head.
 
“Merry Christmas.” He breathed.
 
I could smell cinnamon
and feel the warmth against
my cheeks.
 
I tried my best to frown. “So now you’re talking at a normal volume?”
 
He rolled his eyes and encircled me in his arms. I giggled, trying to
push him away – but really, what was the point? I never wanted him to
let me go. “You ol’e scrooge you.” He chuckled.
 
“You guys,” Niall whined. “The buns are gonna get colddd!”
 
“Oh no, that just won’t do,”
The blue eyed boy said.
“Up and at’em, babe. Niall’s buns can’t afford to get cold.”
 
Harry and Niall ran off into the living room.
 
He stood up off the bed and hoisted me over his shoulders, using his
free hand to wrap my arms around his neck. I sighed contently,
“Onward, noble steed.”
 
We followed the two boys,
Lou’s making horse sounds all the way.
 
Effie was sitting on the couch,
already wrapped up in Harry’s arms
as he tried to force-feed her a pastry.
 
“They got you too, huh?” She smirked, running a hand through her bed head.
 
Harry pouted. “More like she got me! That little blonde nearly broke
my rib cage.” He rubbed his side and pulled his shirt up to Effie.
“Does it look purple to you?”
 
Louis went on to the kitchen where Liam handed him the breakfast. He
expertly balanced it with one hand, the other cautiously placed under
my knee so I wouldn’t fall. He’d only just set it on the living room
table before it was being stuffed into the mouths of the other boys.
 
I looked around with tired eyes.
 
The walls were draped in colored lights and holly. The Charlie brown
tree in the corner was now fully decorated – complete with homemade
ornaments that looked like they’d been drawn by a four year old. A
pile of poorly wrapped presents were positioned in a pyramid under it.
 
Burnt popcorn garland laid across the counters.
 
I grinned,
 
because it might’ve been
the most beautiful
thing I’d ever
seen.
 

“Don’t you dare waste that!”
Niall’s irish accent rang out.
 
Sometime while I was day dreaming, Zayn had stolen a cinnamon bun in
hopes of throwing it at Harry and Effie.
 
Niall jumped in front of him,
trying to get it back,
but the treat was already soaring.
 
His aim was horrible though.
 
The bun slid down Louis’s face.
He caught it in his mouth.
 
“Mayn, mu’rr a mead man!”
 
Another roll was flying through the air in no time. This one, though,
was in perfect line to hit Zayn. If only he hadn’t ducked.
 
Instead it hit Liam.
 
The brunette had just walked in with
another plate full of Christmas treats,
a grin on his face. The grin was gone now.
 
“Oh, Liam, I… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to...” Lou started, letting me
off his back to walk towards his friend.
 

I sat on the floor,
listening to a silent room.
 

“Tommo,” Liam pressed his hand to Louis’s shoulder.
He shook his head. “You shouldn’t have done that.
 

“I-,”
 

A Christmas shaped cupcake – with an exceptional amount of icing –
found his forehead.
 

 

And suddenly they were flying everywhere.
 

 
I hid behind the couch, watching as pastries and goodies of all kinds
sped through the air. Someone had found the apple pie Harry baked for
Christmas dessert. Pieces went everywhere.
 

Louis’s face appeared over the back of the couch.
He grinned a mouthful of icing at me.
 
“Did you think you could get away that easily?”
 
My eyes widened at the cupcake in his hand.
 
“Louis, don’t you dare-…”
 

He wouldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
He would.
 

“LOUIS.”
 
The skinny boy scrambled over the couch, laughing and yelling things
as I chased him around the room. He hid behind Harry, who held a large
cinnamon bun in his hand.
 
“Don’t use me as a shield, you twit!” He yelled,
trying to get out of his grasp.
 
“But Haarreehhh, save me!”
 
The curly haired boy turned around to face Lou at the same time I
launched myself at the roll. It ricocheted out of his hand and right
at Louis’s left cheek. He blinked at me, the creamy icing making a
path as it slid down his face.
 
“Damn you Harry.”
 
We laughed.
 

 
After everyone got a shower and new clothes, we met in the living room
again to exchange presents.
 
I leaned against the coffee table
and sipped orange juice as Niall sat down to play santa.
 
“This ones for Liam… ooh and this ones for Harry… And here’s one for Effie….”
 
Strong arms found my waist.
“Sorry for the cupcake,” Louis whispered.
 
“Sorry for the roll.”
 
I smiled at him
and felt that fuzzy
warm feeling
down in
my stomach.
 
Like always.
 
“You’re forgiven,” His Doncaster accent rang.
 
“And this ones for Louis,”
Niall handed him a neatly wrapped gift.
“I know what’s in there.” He sing-songed.
 
“To Lou, love Ashley,” Louis shook it a bit and held it to his ear.
“Not glass, not liquid… It’s a Lamborghini, isn’t it?”
 
I rolled my eyes, but found myself grinning like an idiot.
 
“Open everybody!” Harry called from the couch, already digging into
his gift from Zayn.
 
Louis nodded towards the presents on the counter for me. Each boy –
and Effie – had contributed kindly to my stack. “Aren’t you going to
open those?”
 
“You do yours first,” I pressed my gift to him into his chest.
 
His blue eyes twinkled
and his fingers caught the place under the ribbon.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.
 
I watched him as he unraveled the paper covering the canvas, face
lighting up as he realized what exactly it was.
 
“Oh my god,” He sat down on the table.
 

For a second,
I was scared.
 
Scared he wouldn’t like my drawing.
Scared he would be disappointed.
Scared it wasn’t good enough.
Scared I wasn’t good enough.
 

But, like he’d done that snowy night four days ago,
Louis made all those worries disappear in one smile.
 

“This is wonderful, I… I…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know what to say.”
 
I slung my arms around his lean neck.
“Just kiss me.”
 
And he did.
And it was wonderful.
And I walked on air.
 
I swear I did.
 
“You’re gifts coming later,” He whispered in my ear,
the rough morning tone slinking in.
 
I bit my lip.
 
What a wonderful Christmas.
 

Later, after all the presents were unwrapped,
and every morsel of food was gone,
we went outside to play in the snow.
 
Hide-and-seek.
Snowball fights.
Tag.
Kissing.
Hugging.
 
Louis.
 
“Do you think they’ll notice we’re gone?”
 
I threaded my fingers through the icy grass,
finding his hand hidden under a blanket of white.
 
He wiggled his finger tips in mine.
 
“Nah,” Louis licked his red lips. “In fact, Niall is probably still
searching for us in the woods.”
 
I giggled.
My face felt frozen.
 

Together we laid in the snow, wedged behind a utility garage for the
condominiums and a cluster of pine trees. It was both unorthodox and
incredibly romantic.
 
I thought there was nothing sexier than morning Louis.
But frozen Louis was giving him a run for his money.
 
And this was even including the, ‘I love Harry’ shirt he was wearing –
which, obviously, had been a gift from the curly haired boy himself.
 
“You’re staring again,” He teased, quirking an eyebrow.
 
I blushed.
He smiled.
 
“Would you like me to stop?”
 
I started to squirm away when Lou’s arms trapped me to the frozen
ground. He gave a loud laugh and pressed my head to his chest.
 
“Never,”
 
“I’ll hold you to that,”
 
“I’ll just hold /you/,”
 

 
We went inside after my lips started to turn blue.
 
Liam made hot chocolate
and Harry kept exchanging sneaky
glances with Louis like
everybody else couldn’t see.
 
Harry and Effie had caught us walking out from behind the utility garage;
hair tousled, cheeks pink, skin doused in snow.
 
It looked very suspicious.
 
And then Zayn hit us with a snowball. And Liam made a snowman. And
Niall jumped off the roof.
 
So we weren’t too exciting after that.
 

“Would you mind if I went and did something real quick?”
Louis asked from his place on the couch.
 
I was wrapped up in a blanket with Effie as we shared the spot closest
to the fire. Zayn and Niall sat in front of us, draped across each
other, hair wet from the melted snow. Harry and Liam were cleaning up
dinner.
 
Lou’s bright blue eyes shined.
He looked a little desperate.
 
I nodded, confused. “Yeah, of course. Go ahead.”
 
He nodded and stood up, disappearing behind the door to his room.
 
Effie looked at me.
I looked at her.
We shrugged together.
 
I looked at the sleepy boys in front of us, at the blonde girl whose
face still hadn’t regained it’s color, at the two in the kitchen,
scrambling around to find room in the tiny fridge for the leftovers,
 
and wondered if I’d ever had a better Christmas.
 
It was far from perfect.
It was far from planned.
 
I’d spent my whole life trying to be perfect;
to be planned and organized -
only to realize that perfection wasn’t something I wanted.
 
I wanted this.
 

A family.
A love.
A friend.
 

But my stomach squirmed.
 
“Hey, I’m going to go to the bathroom, okay?”
 
Effie nodded, her lids heavy.
“’kay.”
 
I followed Louis’s path down the hallway to the bedroom’s, stopping
outside his cracked door. I could just make out his Doncaster accent.
 
“Yeah, I’m having a fantastic time… No, we haven’t burned anything
down yet,” He laughed like a choir of bells. “Oh yes, she’s lovely… I
wish you could meet her to, Mum. You’d love her.”
 
The smile on my face
was a mile wide.
 
It came with a matching blush.
 
“I miss you too. And everyone… Are the girls awake? Oh christ, it’s
one o’clock there, isn’t it? I’m sorry Mum, I didn’t think about the
time difference…”
 
There was a loud sigh.
 
“Will you tell them I said Merry Christmas? And have them call me in
the morning? No, I don’t care what time it is when they do it. I’ll
stay awake…”
 
There was a long pause.
 
“It was nice to hear your voice again, too.
I’ll talk to you soon okay? Love you,”
 

I pressed a hesitant palm to the door, swinging it open slowly.
 
Louis had his forehead in his hand.
I ran my fingers through his hair.
 
“Hi,”
 
“Oh,” He looked up like he’d just awaken. “Hey there,”
He tried out a smile.
 
“Are you… Are you homesick?”
 
A sigh escaped his lips.
He reached out and
pulled me into his lap.
 
“I’m always homesick,” Louis tilted his head as traced the space
behind his ear. Another sigh. “Holidays more than others… because I
know my Mum and sisters are all alone.”
 
“Your dad’s not there?”
 
“They divorced a while ago,”
He wiped his eye clumsily and chuckled.
“Oh fu.ck, look at me being a sap.”
 
I shook my head and placed it in the crook of his shoulder.
His breath tickled my face. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
 

It was quiet, but it meant the world.
 
He looked at me.
And I looked at him.
And we had a secret understanding.
 

“Boo Bear, your gift is here!”
 
Harry’s voice shouted.
 
Louis’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.
He stood up and grabbed my hand.
“That’s yours! C’mon,”
 
I let him drag me into the living room where a large, rectangle box
sat in the middle of the floor. It was wrapped messily, a bow on top,
and there was a strange noise coming out of it.
 
“Lou,” I wrinkled my brows. “What… is… /this/?”
 
He sat on top of Liam’s lap
and smiled smugly.
 
“Open it,”
 
The other boys laughed and nudged each other in the sides and
exchanged secret whispers. Even Effie looked pleased.
 
I slowly circled the box, poking it gingerly with my foot.
 
“Just open the da.mn box,” Zayn yelled.
A chorus of, ‘yeah!’s rang through the room.
 
I started at the top, pulling away at the layers until I could see a
small, beige cage in all the rubbish. I frowned.
 

A cage wasn’t exactly the first thing on my Christmas list this year.
 

But then it meowed.
 

A familiar,
high-pitched,
whiny meow.
 

And I screamed.
 

“OHMYGOD, LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON, YOU DIDN’T,” I opened the little
door and out walked an orange fur ball.
 
“Oh but I did,” He smirked.
 
“JUNIPER!” I couldn’t help how girly and
childish and over excited it came out.
I was too busy hugging my kitten.
 
“Meeeooooww,”
He purred.
 
He was 5 times as big as the last time I’d seen him
and 5 times as needy
and 5 times as fluffy.
 
“How did you know?” I gaped at Louis. “How did you even get him here?
I thought we were snowed in?”
 
He shrugged his lean shoulders
up and down.
 
“I called your brother and asked him to bring the little fella’ up
here when he came for Autumn.” Louis ran a hand over Juniper’s fur
coat. The cat nearly jumped into his arms out of happiness. “I had a
friend take care of him when you started coming over because, well,
he’s not the quietest lad in the litter, is he?”
 
I laughed
and let the kitten down
so I could wrap
myself around my
boyfriend’s
body.
 

I thought of how many times I’d mentioned Juniper to Louis
- once, twice at the most –
and couldn’t believe he remembered.
 
“You were listening to me,” I smiled.
 
“Babe,” Louis smiled back. “I’m always listening to you.”
 
“But I don’t have any place to keep him,
they’ll find him at the sorority house.”
 
“He’ll stay here,”
 
I leaned back,
looking at the rest of the boys.
 
They all seemed on board with this plan.
 
I shook my head.
“No, no, that’s too much,”
 

He put his hands on either side of my face
and brushed his lip against mine.
 

“It’s never too much for you. He’ll stay here.”
 

I collapsed back onto his chest.
“This is the best Christmas ever. Thank you,”
 

 
I looked up at Louis,
but he was grinning in
Harry’s direction.
 

 
“Besides, Hazzah loves cats,
don’t you, Boo bear?”
 

 

 

- ash.
 

---
 

the ending was another one of those 1D things.
oh god. I need to stop.
 
but just to clear things up,
another word for cat is pu.ssy.
harry is very fond of cats.
 
aka
 
HARRY LIKES PU.SSY (cats)