Saturday, April 24th.
Mood: depressed, sad.
Venue: downtown Sydney.
you know that feeling? that feeling that makes you cry? it overshadows your senses with this numb feeling that just makes you weep? well, i've been having that feeling... for 2 months. i was too weak to fight it- and i was to desperate to end it.
i stared as the white pills in my hand, trying to decide. i could pop them into my mouth right now, make it all go away. or i could stay and fight. but fighting took so much strength, and it wasn't working. Robert was dead, why couldn't i be? i opened my mouth, ready to throw them in the hole and get it over with, when Darcy bursted across the beach.
"ADDI!" she yelled, almost jumping onto me, but i was fast. without hesitation, i hopped out of the way and inched away, putting my hand near my mouth, threatening to swallow them. "don't do this, A, can we just talk about this?" Darcy cried, her blue grey eyes sparkling.
"please D, just go." i said, my voice quivering with pain. inside, i felt like everything was collapsing on top of me, i felt horrible. "please. i just wanna make it go away." a tear slid down my cheeks.
before Robert's death, i had been... broken, truthfully. but i was okay. and now, i couldn't even say that. i felt so bad, so full of pain and weakness. i just didn't want that. then, with everything about Peter, i felt like i couldn't help anyone do anything at all. i was watching from behind my body, this wasn't even my life anymore.
"Addi, don't do this. we love you here, and i'm sure Robert wants you to live life to the fullest too." she reasoned, inching closer to me.
i just shook my head with tears flooding down. "i'm sorry D..." i slowly moved my hand closer to my mouth.
Darcy started to be panicky. "WOULD ROBERT WANT YOU TO END YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS?!" she screamed before i put the white pills into my mouth.
before i knew it, i fell onto my knees, the white pills cascading down from my hand onto the Australian sand. before i fell with the pills, Darcy caught me. by now i was crying like a waterfall in Darcy's lap. "make it go away, D. make it go away!"
she stroked my hair as i burst out in tears. "it's okay, everything's gonna be fine, Addi." she said, her voice almost breaking.
"my heart can't take that coverup. my heart, my pain won't cover up." i chanted, wiping my tears with my cardigan sleeve. "don't tell anyone about this, kay?"
Darcy nodded silently, picking the fallen pills up and throwing them into the garbage can. "don't worry, they're all trash to me." she stated, referring to the pills.