Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain, I'm so ashamed

@alycat: um, these two already know each other. through their family okay? because i don’t wanna make them new friends, they’ll be old family friends. lol – i’m lazy.
also, i’ve decided that on occasion i might use a karla photo. (lol, i should just use her right?)
 

In a city filled with opportunity around every corner, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I was sitting in the library looking at interior design books, when I graduated with a degree in business and French studies.
 
Pulling out a book I quickly scanned the pages. “What is this craziness; what in the hell is aggregate?”
 
After five minutes of confusing words and diagrams I decided that an easy book was my only hope.
 
“Good morning Miss, are you checking out?” I smiled at the elderly librarian, sliding my pick across the counter, face down.
 
I nodded. “Yep...”
 
“Okay, and is ‘Interior Design for Dummies’ your only book today?” she asked sweetly.
 
So sweet that I really couldn’t be upset that she blasted my book of choice to the whole line behind me, who all tried to hide their chuckles unsuccessfully.
 
Thankfully I left the library without further incident and made my way towards the train, picking up a bagel and orange juice on the way. And it was a good call with the easier book, I actually got through a lot more than I expected, never really absorbing anything but retaining enough to make it through the next hour or so.
 
After a while I put the book down and rested my eyes for a bit deeming my speed education into the world of design done for now. I wasn’t nervous for the interview, funnily enough I’d been through a lot since college – I should’ve been considered a pro by now.
 
I was just ready to see if this would be the next step for me.
 
Finally my stop left off and I sped walked to Juice Generation, determined to get there first and scope out the place. The restaurant had the most incredible smells of fresh fruit and vegetables as soon as I opened the door.
 
Grabbing a mango smoothie and a table near the floor to ceiling windows, I shot a quick text to Loulou, letting her know I was there and waiting.
 
Fortunately I didn’t have to wait long before someone approached my table.
 
“Lily McKinnley?” I smiled politely, sliding out of my chair and offering her my hand to shake.
 
“Hi, yes and you must be Michelle Adams. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
 
“Likewise, let’s just sit and talk okay; no pressure,” She gestured to our seats and surprised me by taking a huge bite of her chocolate chip cookie. “So tell me a little about yourself.”
 
I had a rehearsed speech that Loulou made me practice but my gut was definitely telling me to scrap it and just have fun. Either way whether I got the job or not at least it was based off of me and not some cookie cutter version of me.
 
“Well I grew up in Maryland, around the beach and I definitely think that influenced me. I’m very easy-going, I can admit that one of my faults is that I really don’t adhere to deadlines but I’m working on that.” I was relieved when she chuckled.
 
“So how much design background do you have, because I mean your degrees are impressive but really aren’t geared towards what I do.”
 
I nodded, sighing a bit. “True I’m not exactly qualified to intern at an interior design magazine but truthfully I love design. Granted its fashion design but I’m hard working, creative and willing to give my all to this magazine.”
 
Her face grew contemplative before she broke out into a smile.
 
“There are still some things that we need to talk about but I like you Lily, you’re really positive and I think you’d be a good fit at Lonny Magazine.”
 
“Seriously?” I asked, surprise coloring my tone.
 
She laughed, reaching over to shake my limp hand. “Yep, consider this as your official welcome to our family.”
 
I couldn’t even help the squeal I let out, or the hug I engulfed her in. Thankfully, she didn’t retract her offer.
 
We spoke more about the technical aspects of the job and completed some quick paper work before we parted with more hugs.
 
I was more than excited and didn’t want to go home just yet, knowing that Loulou wouldn’t be home and Duncan was visiting family – right now was not the time to be alone.
 
It was time to celebrate.
 
“Hey, meet me at L’Artusi on west 10th St woman, it’s a freakin’ celebration!” There were a few weird looks thrown at me when I screamed that into my phone, but Daria laughed so that was all that mattered.
 
“I’m guessing you got the job?” she asked through a yawn.
 
Walking towards the train station I had to stop in amazement. “Daria, were you sleeping? It’s eight o’clock at night!”
 
She snorted. “Listen, planning a wedding is no joke plus I took Ash for a walk today and made some food...I deserved a nap.”
 
I wasn’t convinced. “Yeah, uh huh, just get to the restaurant in half an hour; no excuses!”
 
After agreeing I hopped on the train for the short ride to L’Artusi where I was seated immediately. As soon as I spotted Daria’s tall lithe frame walking towards me I ran up to hug her as we did the necessary girly squealing thing.
 
We took our seats and ordered a bottle of champagne right away. Raising her glass, Daria looked to me with a wide smile.
 
“To my little Lilybear for landing an incredible internship,”
 
Smiling, I lifted my glass. “And to Daria who’s all grown up and getting married.”
 
“Cheers!” Being horrible alcoholics we downed our glasses but at least we paced ourselves with the next ones.
 
The food arrived amidst us catching up on everything we possibly could in a short amount of time.
 
“So,” I started, after swallowing a huge bite of steak. “How’s your mother, everything okay?”
 
I could tell it was a difficult subject but Daria’s mother was close to me too and when I heard the news about her cancer, it hit close to home for more than one reason.
 
“She’s fine, really good actually I’m the one still trying to get used to everything.”
 
I nodded. “It’s harder I think for other people to come to terms with the fact that someone they love has cancer. My dad couldn’t be around anyone for a while when we got the news that I had breast cancer.”
 
“You look so healthy, I always forget that it was only a couple of months ago that I visited you in the hospital.” she said, her eyes getting a little misty.
 
Grabbing her hand firmly I gave a serious look. “Listen here missy, none of that sad stuff here. I’ve been in remission for five months now and I plan on keeping it that way,”
 
She chuckled and after finishing our meals and the second bottle of champagne, I decided it was definitely time for a subject change.
 
“So, how’s the wedding planning going?”
 
Sighing heavily, she rolled her eyes. “Its fun but it’s just so much to do, planning the venue and the small details...not to mention the dress.”
 
“Oh, have you found it yet? Can I get a sneak peek, pretty pretty please!” I batted my eyelashes and everything making us both laugh loudly.
 
“Sorry to disappoint but there is no dress to show. I’m going to Paris actually to look for one, plus the bridesmaid’s dresses.”
 
I tried to hold in my laughter but a few chuckles escaped. “Knowing you you’ll come back with fifty dresses and not one being your wedding dress, you’re too picky Coppola!”
 
“Hey, I’m not picky I just know what I like and it takes a while to find!”
 
We both knew the truth but I let her slide.
 
“Question, would you mind if I brought Duncan as my date?” I asked, sipping on my fifth or sixth glass of champagne; I had lost count.
 
“The pizza delivery boy?” She asked scrunching her nose. I nodded. “Hell no woman, you need to come to my wedding with some sexy model, or a doctor.”
 
I giggled, shaking my head. “I’m pretty sure I don’t know any models or doctors. Plus Duncan is a good dancer and he cleans up nice!”
 
She rolled her eyes, pulling out her phone clumsily, muttering to herself.
 
“Bi.tch is crazy...not my wedding...pizza boy”
 
I didn’t know if she was actually making sense and I was too drunk to catch everything she was saying, or if she was too drunk to be making sense and was speaking incoherent thoughts, but I made a desperate attempt for her phone either way.
 
“Daz, no seriously don’t call anyone. Wait, who are you calling?” I sounded close to screeching, making the other patrons give us dirty looks while Daria looked at me like I was crazy.
 
“What’s the big deal, I’m just seeing if there’s anyone I know who you’d look cute with.”
 
I could feel my heart beating faster and I knew it was definitely time to stop drinking. “I’m just not dating right now.”
 
Daria nodded, gesturing for me to continue. “Because...”
 
“Because I’m just not feeling up to all that right now, so let’s just drop it okay?”
 
We both sobered up quickly as an awkward silence settled in and the check was paid. Waiting outside for a cab I linked my arm with hers, resting my head on her shoulder.
 
“I had reconstructive surgery two months ago,” I could feel her sharp intake of breath but I kept looking straight ahead; I couldn’t look at her. “I got implants but there are scars and I just don’t want anyone to see them.”
 
There was a beat of silence before she engulfed me in a hug, whispering words that made me cry.
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serious business folks but it had to happen. type ‘it’s okay.’ if you read all this.