Wednesday December 19: Snow has finally poured down on this rainy state. Get ready for a huge snowball fight. Every time it snows the campus turns into a girl v.s. guy fight. Lets see which gender will win out this year.
After what feels like forever, I finally got some inspiration to continue writing as Marah again. I missed writing as her.
@the-wild-things I included Daisy for a little bit, and asked to be tagged.
and @vikkirose since you asked me to tag you.
I sigh heavily, flipping through the pictures i had just developed from the tree lighting ceremony. Nothing was as good as I hoped it would be. I mean, yeah, they weren't bad pictures, but they weren't anything special... But then again, maybe I had been looking at these picture for too long. I probably needed a break.
I back away from my desk and slip my shoes on, grabbing my keys and heading out of the door. Maybe a walk could clear my head, since... I had a lot more to work through than whether or not I liked these pictures or not.
I shove my hands into my pockets and brace myself for the cold air that hits me the second i reach outside. It was a welcome feeling, honestly. I always had preferred the cold as opposed to the heat. I couldn't tell you why.
Maybe it was because I always considered myself to be such a cold heart when it came down to it. I wasn't a romantic by any means, and I never really believed in love. It always had a funny way of screwing me over. Examples that could be seen in how my mother raised me, or my exes. I was always left alone and devastated. And if that's what love is about, then why does it even have to exist at all?
I'm brought out of my thoughts by someone calling my name.
"Marah, hey!" I hear an excited voice calling out at me. Who could possibly want to be talking to me? I mean, Hope wasn't around, and Mason and I left things at a weird place the other night....
I turn around to find Daisy's smiling face. I force a small smile, waving back at her. "Hey, Daisy."
She smiles, rushing over to get to me. "Hey! I haven't seen you around. I figured I'd come on over and say hello while I got the chance."
I laugh some, "Well, good thing you did. I've been quite the recluse lately." I say, smiling back at her.
Daisy tilts her head, giving me a little look of concern. "Is everything okay?"
I wave off her worry, "Yeah, yeah, everything's fine." I pause, "I've just been working a lot, is all. I think I get too caught up in my photography sometimes." I say, smiling at her to try and ease her worry some too.
Daisy nods, "Well, hopefully you'll be taking a break soon. It is the holiday season after all." She says, smiling her almost infamous smile. That's what I really liked about Daisy - she was friendly but not intrusive.
"Don't worry, I'll take a break promise." I say, smiling at her. "Anyways, how have things been for you?" I ask, checking my phone when it starts to vibrate. I immediately hit ignore when I see its Mason. I knew why he was calling, and I wasn't ready to give him an answer. I'd call him after I finished talking to Daisy.
"Things have been..." Daisy pauses, and while she does a big smile grows on her face. "Eventful, to say the least."
"Uh oh, eventful? Hopefully in a good way." I say, smiling back at her.
"I think so. It's a little too soon to tell, but already it's been in a good way." She says, almost beaming. It was nice to see someone seem to genuinely happy. It wasn't something I think I had ever been. Well, at least not in years.
"Well, I hope things stay as equally good for you as the new year comes around, m'dear." I say, giving her my best genuine smile, but I know it's not much. But truth be told, I really was happy she seemed so happy, for whatever it was.
"And I hope things get less busy for you. You look like you need a break." She adds on, smiling at me.
"Let's hope they do." I say, shrugging.
"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." Daisy says, smiling. "But, I really need to go and meet up with someone. It was lovely seeing you, Marah."
"Oh, yeah, you too. Seriously, it was." I say, nodding. "But don't let me keep you. We'll run into each other again, promise."
Daisy smiles, nodding a little at me. "Bye, Marah. Happy holidays." She says, giving me a small wave before walking away. I wave back at her before I turn and continue on in the opposite direction.
After a little bit, I pull out my phone and call Mason back. I sit down on a bench, one with a view of the snowball fight, as I wait for him to pick up.
It doesn't take Mason long, only a ring or two, before he answers the phone. "Marah, hey. I just tried calling you." He says, and I can just see the type of smile that is growing on his face on the other line.
"Yea, I know. I was talking to someone and it'd be rude to pick up the phone." I say softly, adjusting my position on the bench, and folding my feet under myself.
Mason doesn't say anything for a minute or two. "Have you thought about what I asked you? Do you have an answer for me?"
I sigh softly, running my fingers through my hair. Last week, I had met up with Mason at the tree lighting ceremony. At first, everything was fine, and everything was kind of like how he and I used to be. We were kind of sarcastic with each other and joking and just kind of at ease. It was nice to see him again, and I would have been lying if I said I hadn't missed hanging out with him. I really did.
But then... we went for a walk, because Mason wanted to talk to me. Once we were completely alone, Mason sat me down and told me his feelings for me. He told me all about how ever since we met, he felt a strong connection with me, about how ever since Halloween, the night we hooked up, that connection with me has just been becoming stronger and stronger, about how there was never really a moment he didn't think about me, especially since I had been so elusive lately. He then told me he wanted to be with me... He wanted to be my boyfriend, and to have me as his girlfriend.
I tried cutting him off, but he wanted me to hear him out. He told me he knew about my self harm, and he knew I had been doing it for a few months now. He told me he could tell I just needed someone, and that he wanted to be that someone.
And that's when i tried to leave. I told him I didn't need anyone, and that he didn't know me or my life, or what I had been through alone before. And it was true...he didn't know about my past.
Mason quickly apologized and just pleaded with me to think about his question - about being his girlfriend. And that's where we were now. Awkwardly avoiding each other, although Mason had already left to go see his family for the holidays.
I sigh heavily, "I..I don't know what to tell you, Mason."
"What do you mean?" He asks, sighing some.
"Look, I.." I trail off.
"You, what?" He asks after I don't continue.
"I like you, okay? I do..." I pause, chewing on my lip. "But that's why I can't be with you, either."
"Marah.. that doen't make any sense... Why can't you-" Mason starts to say,but I cut him off.
"I can't talk about this over the phone, okay? Just... please know I do like you and I feel the connection too, and that we'll talk at greater lengths when you get back so we can be face to face, okay?"
Mason doesn't say anything for awhile, sighing. "Okay, Marah... He pauses, "But can I ask you something?"
"Sure, ask me something."
"Can I at least call you over the break? i promise I won't ask if you've thought about my question... I just, I miss talking to you, Marah." He says, almost sounding devastated. That's how I could tell he meant it... how I could tell he really did miss talking to me. And well... I missed talking to him too. Out of anyone I had met here, I felt closest to Mason. We did connect on a lot of levels, and I missed having that connection with someone.
"Yeah, Mason... call me anytime you want." I pause, "We can talk horror movies or something, okay?"
Mason laughs some, "It won't be the same not being able to see your face when I call you out on your bul.lshit movie trivia, but okay."
"Hey! My movie trivia is awesome, and you know it." I say, laughing weakly.
"Yeah, yeah, I guess it is." He says, and I can tell he's just smiling on the other end. "But, I should probably go help my family decorate the tree. My little siblings are kind of tugging me away from the phone."
"Well, don't let me keep you. Go decorate." I say, feeling myself smile weakly at the thought.
"Okay, okay, I will." He pauses, "I'll talk to you later?" He says, almost asking me, to make sure.
"Yeah.. I'll call you later. Promise." I say, actually meaning it this time.
"Okay, awesome. I look forward to it." Mason pauses, "Bye, Marah."
"Bye, Mason." I say, and he stays on the line for a second longer, probably just basking in the moment - of us talking, because he hangs up. I hang up as well, and put my phone down in my lap, looking at it. As much as I had fought it, I really did like Mason, and now that I had finally admitted it to him and to myself, that's all I could think about.
I shake my head, chasing the thought away. I get up and decide to head back to my room to work on a few pieces for my portfolio to keep myself distracted from the thought of Mason. Because even if I did like him, and like him a lot, I still couldn't let him fall in love with me. Since he deserved better than me. I had to remember that.