I have to be honest with you guys.

The reason I have been lacking on sets is because I have primarily been busy with family things and with work, but there is another reason as well.

 My heart is broken - not because I pretty much fell in love with him in the more common sense of the word - I fell in love with him as my best friend. I feel so helpless - like a "how could you do this to me" feeling. I mean, I see him pretty much everywhere I go, and I cannot escape it - there are memories haunting me everywhere. Then I begin to think it's my fault and that I did something wrong. I mean he went through hell, and I didn't notice at all. It's clearly not my fault, but I feel like I'm stuck in this infinity loop about the whole thing, just going in circles because there is nothing I can do. And it especially hurts because for once something so good and so pure came into my life that no one could destroy, and me, not being able to believe it, tried to preserve it for as long as I could, but in the end, it self-destructed anyways. Even though it wasn't my fault, nor was it his in someways, I still wonder what I could have done better to keep it from escalating to this point. And my heart breaks because I want to say so much, thoughts and scenarios swirl around in my head, but yet I cannot say anything because I am at a total loss for words. I want to cry, but I find myself without tears. I want to scream, but my voice is lost...all because I know it's best to just move on and get over it because he seems to be, but what if I don't want to?

Why do other people get to choose when they get to leave me, and I am forced to sit and watch it happen?

My heart has never broken before, but it's the most excruciatingly pain to radiate through my bones.



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