So, Someone PMed me asking who the poems in my sets were about. Here goes... Continue reading if you want...
This is my love story.
His name is Billy.
Last year I was in a class with Billy, and we became really good friends. We went on school camp together and that was when we first became friends. Over the first couple of months of the year we talked and stuff. During about the middle of the year, I began to start liking him. Being the insecure, non-self-confident person I was then, I of course thought he didn’t like me. For the next few months, we continued talking and hanging out, laughing and flirting. At some points we had our rough patches, when I didn’t like him as much, but looking back now, that was only because I could see him starting to like me. See, what I do is push people away who I really like. I put barriers up so I don’t get hurt. I’ve gotten better, but then I definitely did.
We had some amazing moments, which I remember so often.
One memory in particular stands out the most. We were in our Japanese class, and we were sitting alone at a table together. I can’t remember what the conversation was, but somehow this happened… Billy stroked my cheek gently, and said to me, “you’re beautiful”. Oh god, I’m crying now. :’(
I don’t know if he meant it or not, but for a moment, I truly believed it.
There were a few more moments like that over the year too.
Anyway, so at the end of last year, after school had finished and we were on holidays, I messaged him, telling him how I liked him on and off for basically the whole year and stuff. He replied with:
“I appreciate the honesty but I’m a little bummed because there was a couple of months there where I really liked you too, but I thought there was no way you liked me, so I decided not to act upon it (damn what a f**k up) well I hope you are in my class this year so we can piss off our teachers together again”
So, we both liked each other, but didn’t think the other person liked us. Biggest mistake of my life.
Fast forward to this year.
He’s not in any of my classes.
We never talk.
So this year he wasn’t in ANY of my classes, and we just didn’t seem to talk at all. The whole year. I tried to move on, had little crushes, but nothing could take my mind off him.
I tried every possible way to get over him, but I just couldn’t.
Now we’re at the end of the year, and I still like him. To be honest, I really thought I loved him for a while. I cried myself to sleep countless times. I went into a really rough stage, and got pretty depressed.
2 months or so ago, I sent him this message:
“Hey Billy. I feel so stupid for all that I'm about to say, because I know you don't care about me in the slightest anymore. But, here goes....
No matter how hard I try, a little part of me cannot get over you. When I saw you yesterday, I was actually on the verge of tears. I miss you like crazy. We never talk anymore, and I know you probably couldn't care less, but it kills me. I have tried so many times to get over you, but a little part of me just can't. And this is going to sound so stupid to you, and it is stupid, but at the beginning of the year, for about a week or two, I cried myself to sleep over you, and almost thought that I loved you. We used to be such good friends, well at least I thought so, and now we haven't talked in forever. My biggest regret is not telling you that I liked you last year, or realising that you liked me. I think of all the times we had last year, and it breaks my heart. Even though you don't realise, you got me through a really tough time last year, and made me feel special for once. The moment I think about most, is that one time in Japanese, when you called me beautiful, and I don't know if you meant it or not, you probably didn't, but I believed you.
So, I'm not asking you to become friends with me again or anything (even though that would we nice), but because I'm so desperate to do something about this, because I am dying here, I just want you to tell me. Just tell me that you don't like me. Because I know you don't, but a little part of me doesn't believe that. And maybe, just maybe, that will help me get over you. Please, just tell me.”
And he didn’t reply how I hoped he would. There was no, “I love you so much, blah blah blah.”
He basically just said that he didn’t know how to reply, he thinks I don’t know him and said that he doesn’t like me anymore.
Right now…. I think I’m going crazy.
We talk occasionally now. Actually, rarely.
It’s not so much that I want to be his girlfriend, it’s more that I just want to be his friend. I honestly miss him so much. It is tearing me apart. I have no idea what to do.
I have honestly tried so hard, so many times to get over him.
Maybe I’m not supposed to get over him?
I don’t know anymore.
And everyone just tells me: oh you’re only 14, you don’t love him, and you’ll get over him. But I honestly think I do/did love him. I have never felt this way about anyone else. I mean, it has been like 2 years almost…..
Gosh, I can’t go on writing anymore right now. This is killing me.
Well, hope you enjoyed my depressing love story.
It probably doesn’t even sound that bad, but trust me, it’s bad to me.