I think my problem is that the world is too big and too beautiful.
I want to hold all of it in my hands, and it scares me that I cannot.
I’m a little afraid of staying in one place, as if growing roots will keep me from achieving dreams I could never grasp in the first place.
I don’t like getting close to people because I’m worried they’ll affect my growth.
I haven’t yet become my complete self…what if they shape me into a person I don’t really want to be?
As if I’ll ever be complete on my own.
I’ve always been filled with irrational fears – spiders, fires – this tops them all.
It’s funny…
I see my own faults so clearly. I’ve studied and known them like a chemist has memorized the elements.
And for all that, I always repeat the same mistakes.
And so I relive the same nightmares.
I’m scared of living my whole life without change, scared of being stuck…
But maybe some consistency would lend a different kind of freedom.
My life is a strange tightrope walk between starry-eyed fantasies and harsh, grounded reality.
I’m stuck in the middle because both are frightening.
Somehow I’m a daydreamer with an unfortunate streak of practicality.
So I never get anything done…
I want to do so many things and can never pick just one.
Can’t someone just tell me what to do?
I read too much between the lines –frustrations that aren’t even there.
I’m the kind of person who just likes to go with the flow, but I know that’s not a common style…
So I’m always on the lookout for what others feel and want, trying to predict, trying to put out fires…
Trying to be patient, trying to follow your lead, but where are you all going?
I hate making decisions…
But people seem to think I’m just in a bad mood…that’s not it at all.
Just…
I’m happy when other people are happy.
So you go ahead and decide and I’ll just enjoy the experience.
Whatever happens, I’ve decided to be happy –the world is a beautiful place and I’m happy to be in it.
Even when it’s hard.
I’m still growing – always changing.
I wonder if there will come a time when I will slow down.
Of course, I want to grow roots someday…
I want to build things – a castle, a beautiful life.
But I’m waiting for the right timing…
I just hope I won’t miss it when it comes.
But I think I’m just scared of losing my sense of wonder, losing my wanderlust and sonder.
I don’t want to be completely complacent.
I want to always be a tiny bit restless.
I want to pass my sense of adventure on to others.
I want to become more daring in the future.
I want to grab the stars in the sky and do a thousand impossible things.
But I guess I’m selfish.
No.
I know I am selfish.
Is that so bad?
I guess it is since it only ends up hurting others. And when I hurt others, I hurt myself.
“Strong”
“Hard-hearted”
Aren’t they both the same thing?
And I am strong.
So I am fine even when I’ve hurt myself.
So I am hopeful even though I know I shouldn’t be.
I sing songs and I feel happy just because I want to be happy.
I guess I’m a daydreamer, but my dreams are still a long way off…
They’re always changing and growing, just like me.
You know…
I used to do a lot of writing – just like this.
But for maybe two years there’s been nothing – a dry spell caused by the same old fears…
Lack of certainty, fear of failure, worries that I’m not good enough for anything.
I’ve always been told that my heart should be a private affair – I should be quick to protect and slow to share its secrets.
But that seems somehow unsatisfactory and has only served to create more problems than it has prevented.
Broken hearts heal, but stone hearts remain closed off and unchanging.
So I want to become transparent.
My greatest and most difficult aspiration.
You know…
Crying isn’t a weakness.
I was always told:
“don’t cry”
“stop crying”
“don’t be such a crybaby”
And then I couldn’t cry for years.
But it’s healing.
Our tears release natural painkillers.
That’s beautiful, and a kind of poetic justice.
I think life and feelings are meant to be shared with others, and it’s something you have to learn to do.
We are taught to close ourselves off from others but then we just build walls around our existences and never learn to love each other.
Which I’ve heard is wonderful.
Not that I’d ever allow myself that luxury…it’s always been one of those someday things.
But there are people who somehow are able to seep in through the gaps between the bricks in the walls around your heart –friends, family, beautiful people whose lives you want to hold close to your own.
Sometimes they slowly, slowly sneak up on you with each new smile or note to say “hello, how was your day?”
Until you’re always waiting for their message
Without even realizing how it happened
And not knowing why it’s so important
And trembling with the uncertainty that maybe they mean much more to you than you mean to them.
That’s more scary than it should be.
No wonder I’m always so ready to run away.

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