soldier by ingrid michaelson
near wild heaven 2.0
i'm continuing with the au, this story will just be quinn though. fingers crossed for another collab with my love, @little-miss-rae soon.
'why am i here?', i asked myself for about the hundredth time. only this time i mean elliot and i's old home, not just tree hill in general. after lola had gotten the news about dan, she needed to lie down. right before i left, she was swallowing a huge sleeping pill and snuggling into our king size bed.
after seeing lydia in that park, it reminded me of what i'd given up to move out to los angeles. sure, there were hot guys, wild parties, and zero responsibilities, but there were things missing, like family, community, and love. i hated that i was sentimental like that, i hated myself for wanting those things after they'd caused me nothing but pain.
somehow between returning to the hotel room an hour ago, and now i'd convinced that i needed to see lydia. i'd decided i'd do anything to be a part of her life. guilt struck me as i realized that i'd let her grow up without a mother. deep inside, i hated myself a little bit.
my fingers shook rapidly, as though i'd just had three coffees. knocking gingerly on the door, i stepped back and held my breath. the red door swung open, and i was greeted by a pregnant petite blonde woman who looked to be in her early thirties.
'who the hell are you?', i thought to myself as i self-consciously ran my fingers through my hair. "hello, how can i help you?", she asked me sweetly. i was about to answer when a flash of dark curls caught my attention. "mama," lydia squealed.
she remembered me, my heart fluttered. clearing my throat, i prepared to tell her how much i'd missed her, when the woman scooped her up into her arms. "yes love," she maternally pushed lydia's ringlets out of her eyes.
the woman turned to face me, her face perplexed. "i'm sorry, but i don't seem to know you. i'm alison, and you are?" my mind was reeling. who the hell was alison, and why is my kid calling her mom?
"i'm uh, i'm ahna," i lied, just incase elliot had told this mysterious woman about me. "i'm a family friend, do you think i could speak with elliot, it'll just take a few moments," i smiled sweetly, trying to keep my voice even.
"of course," she placed lydia firmly on my floor where she was previously standing, and went to find elliot. lydia looked at me. "who are you?" she asked, her words were slightly lisped because she was missing her two front teeth.
those three words literally shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. when elliot rounded the corner, and his face fell when he realized it was me, broke in into a thousand more.
when my fiancee alison told me i had someone named ahna waiting for me at the door i was confused. when i saw quinn standing there, i wasn't shocked at all, she always did like lying.
"why are you here?" i asked her, my voice a sharp whisper. her eyebrows knitted in pain, disappointment and hurt radiating from every inch of her face. regardless of how angry i was with her, i felt a slight pain in my stomach at the sight of her unhappiness.
closing the door behind me, i leaned against it, crossing my arms over my chest. i looked at her, examined her. she looked thinner, older. she'd cut her hair, and was dressed in jeans and a sweater. her tired eyes were no longer coated with eyeliner, and they'd lost their shine.
"you look a lot less glamourous in person than you do in those tabloids," i scoffed. she bit her lip and pulled her sweater closer around her skinny body. "yeah well, this isn't los angeles," she whispered, gazing at her shoes.
"quinn, why are you here?" i asked her again. tears were welled in her eyes as she finally looked up at me. "she doesn't even remember me," she whimpered, looking longingly at the closed door.
she looked so defeated, so broken. a part of me was glad that she'd gotten what she'd deserved, another part of me wanted to cradle her to my chest and tell her everything was okay.
but everything wasn't okay. she'd abandoned us for some high socialite life in california. things has changed, and all quinn was headed for was hurt.
"well, you made kind of hard for her to," i spit, suddenly angry. she looked as though she'd been slapped. "i never thought she'd forget me, or think someone else was her mother," she murmured.
shit, alison. alison, my fiancee. we'd met a few months after quinn had left, she was a new elementary school teacher. finally after months of persuading she agreed to go out with me. lydia adored her, and had gotten so used to her that she'd forgotten that she wasn't actually her mother.
"quinn, i think you should leave," i said quietly, avoiding her eyes. they were dead, not like my quinn's eyes. hollywood killed her. nodding, she wiped tears from her eyes and pulled her sweater close to her body. "goodbye el," she called me my nickname. no one had called me that in almost five years, and it broke my heart.
as i hurried down the porch steps, tears spilled down my cheeks. he'd moved on, as did lydia. she'd forgotten about me, she'd found a new mother. it was my fault, i left.
why did i come back? i mean, what did i expect? that elliot would just be waiting for me, after five years? i felt sick to my stomach. coming back to tree hill had been a mistake. i maybe ruining my baby's only chance at a normal life. and i loved her too much to mess it up.
what did i do, i asked myself. what did i do?
as i closed the door behind myself, i sunk to my knees. rubbing my eyes, i tried to make sense of my feelings. i was so damn angry at her, angry for leaving us. if she'd just gotten better faster, we could've been a family. i was angry that i was feeling these things for her, i'm engaged to be married. she seemed to small and fragile, and it made me sad. she appeared to be dead inside.
i told myself to forget her, that she'd be gone after the reunion. as i got off the floor, i wondered if i'd done that right thing asking her to leave.
what did i do? i asked myself. what did i do?