I don't even know what this layout is supposed to be haha. I've been super gloomy lately :( Very, very sad. Boyfriend broke up with me, then proceeded to ignore me, saying I was way too sweet for him and that these past few months he's been hiding his angry side from me...then I saw his angry side, and it was downright scary. I tried everything- I just wanted him to talk about it with me instead of sending me an e-mail and then avoiding me. He said I was the only girl for him.... So, I'm super confused. I guess I was trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but I just loved him so much. Bam promised that he would be perfect for me and he made promises and broke them. I was sad....he didn't care....I was angry....I got a little reaction out of him, but otherwise, nothing. Finally, last night, I told him I that I guess the only way to end this was to hate him...and he was just like, totally fine with it. I'd hate to think I was some psycho girlfriend. I just wanted to talk it over and I can't STAND being ignored when it comes to things like this. Then, I got upset with Bam because I didn't want to bring her down with me and so I pushed her away...but I said some really mean things, and I'm never mean, but I just didn't want her involved with the drama. I did the same thing with Ali...and now I regret it so much. I feel like a terrible friend. I should have left it as it was and moved on, but I was SO certain about him and so I gave him all of me...only to be told I was lied to and that I couldn't handle his rage. I feel like I wasn't even given a chance. I won't portray myself as a saint, because there's always 2 sides to story...or 3, in this case. But, I'd rather he and Bam be upset with me and have it bring them closer together since she knows him far better than I do and dated him before. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for their friendship. Now I know why people don't date their friend's exes. Too much jealousy. Anyways, so I've been crying nonstop and very sad and just hate myself. I had all good intentions, but now I miss them both...I always tend to push people away when I need them the most. I hate this. I want to erase this past year. The past few years, in fact. Stupid drama. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but get dragged into it anyways. I haven't even slept yet and it's almost 10:30 :( I'm far too upset at myself to even do anything...and super tired. Not to mention, my phone totally died completely. I hope this experience will make me stronger. Bam has been vicious to me before when I did absolutely nothing, but I think we're equal now. It would just be terrible to lose them both. I feel like I have nobody to talk to because of my stupid phone being dead, hence why I'm posting here. I have so much homework to do too, grr college courses. Later, I'll read this and probably delete it. But, for now, I've got to let it out of my mind before it consumes me. Heaven knows we only have so much Kleenex.
UPDATE: Bam forgives me <3
Now, whether to forget about my boyfriend or try to salvage what's left of the relationship prowls my mind. I've written him poems...maybe it's time to let go, as much as it will kill me.