- Love Lockdown, Kanye West
[collab with tootsie :3 excuse me while I go cry in the corner.... oh but seriously, read hers when she publishes. its probably ten times better :P]
For the last few days I was dead. Or at least I felt that way. But it was nice, like being in a week-long dream. I didn't remember much except that I knew none of it was real. Comas only hurt the people watching the person in it. Soon I could hear voices, not pleasant ones. One was crying and the other accusing. But I had recognized Jules somehow. And I made an effort to call out her name, hoping it really was her.
"I'll go get the doctor." I heard my mother's voice announce. I hadn't noticed she was here until she had spoken. As things began to come into focus I opened my eyes to the blinding white light.. not the one I was hoping for though. The rush of sound flooding my ears was enough to give me a migraine; the heart monitor's incessant beeping, low chatter from outside the room, the echo of footsteps on the tile floor - who's were coming and who's were going I couldn't tell. I had hoped Jules's would be the ones coming nearer to me. My blurry vision was starting to repair itself, and when I blinked the cloudiness was gone. Jules standing over me, she was the first thing I saw in complete view. But she looked heartbroken, circles under her eyes, her hair a mess, and a glazed over look in her pupils that looked almost.. well, dead. A motionless shudder went through me as I realized I had been responsible for that. It wasn't right. I had hurt Jules in the worst way possible and now she had to deal with this. Hopefully she'd come to say goodbye, and like quickly ripping off a band-aid I'd be painful but not nearly as heart-wrenching. The doctor had arrived not long after, thank god, because awkward silence between Jules and I had gotten interminable. We might've been alone for only a few seconds or a few minutes.. I wasn't able to tell.
Time seemed to blend together when you were in pain. And just now the shooting pain in my back and in my side was apparent. Jules stepped back as the doctor approached. He checked my vitals, looked me over, and removed that godawful tube in my mouth. I let out a loud gasp when I found that I could feel my throat again. The entire process didn't take more than what I judged to be a minute. When he left I felt the hovering presence of my mother as I tried to speak.
"Oh thank goodness you are alright!" she cried. She cared, in her own suffocating way that had been convenient to her only these last few years. It wasn't until I had made something of myself, did she care. The very first time I'd been arrested she made no effort to help me, I was about 14 and I'd been gone for a week in jail for three days then put on probation. When I got home she just stared at me and told me I was exactly like my father. I felt her grasp my shoulders, hugging me, clutching onto me as if I were going to disappear into thin air at any moment.
I swallowed harshly, "Mom.. I love you but," I made an effort to move. She let go, standing up still sniffling as she hiccuped a few times, looking down at me brightly as she waited for me to talk. "I need to talk with Jules, alone." I emphasized my last word.
Jules was slumped within herself, seeming impossibly small. My mother who was only a good five foot in height even looked taller than her at the present time. She opened her mouth to speak, I gave her a warning glare. Most likely she was going to try to get me mad at Jules so I'd make her leave. I had overheard their broken conversation vaguely so there was nothing I didn't already know that she could tell me. She gave a simple nod, patting my hand with a smile then let go. Quickly she moved out of the room, but not before giving Jules a look that could freeze the sun. So now at last, we were completely alone. Just Jules and I. She stood in the middle of the room, not moving or saying anything. I wondered what she was thinking, why she didn't just yell at me and leave. That would've been easier than having her sullen brown eyes gazing at me from a few feet away. There was nothing worse than that. I gestured as best I could for her to come closer. She took a few steps forward, heaving a deep sigh, exhaling just as fervently as she shook her head. "I'm sorry. this is all my fault." she whimpered.
I was mistaken, this was much worse. She blamed herself for this? How? I wasn't even sure.. but she had always been like this, she didn't have enough confidence in herself to believe she did everything when she did. It was me who was at fault, not her. "Jules, listen to me," I ran my tongue over my dry lips. Struggling I hoisted myself to sit up straight so I could see her. As she moved to help me I put up a hand, stopping her. "No. I'm fine. And this is not your fault. This is mine."
"But if-" she paused, wringing her hands together awkwardly. She wore a frightened expression, holding her breath for some reason, letting it go in her next few words, "if I hadn't left Sunday night to go home you wouldn't have been worried and I should have told you what I knew.. you do know, right?" she interrupted her own train of thought.
I slowly nodded my head. This was one of those things neither one of us had to speak about, we both were well aware of what had happened. She knew and I knew she knew. Whenever we were caught in some type of misstep with the other we would both look at each other, then apologize almost simultaneously. This time it wasn't that easy. I reached out for her hand, waiting for her to grasp it. After a moment she did, sending a jolt of energy through me - enough to make me forget about the pain for a while. "Baby, it would've happened either way. It's my job, I would've gone regardless."
She glanced down at the floor, then back up at me. The monotonous hum of the lights began to overpower once again. Jules held loosely onto my hand, agreeing silently before she parted her lips again. "I guess you're right."
"Jules..." I sighed, giving her hand a squeeze. F.ck, I was already starting to feel the stinging behind my eyes. I was going to cry. And I could not do that, not only had I never done it in front of her, but I'd never even done it in my adult life. I leaned my head back against the pillow forcing myself to stare up at the ceiling, keeping my eyes trained on the blank canvas. Swallowing thickly I managed to speak. "I'm a bad person. I thought I couldn't be who you needed me to be.. and now that I realize I can, that I'll do anything for you, it's too fucking late."
She softened from her stiff stance, linking her fingers in mine. Something inside me had told me she couldn't possibly love me. Maybe it was her constant guarded behavior, or maybe it was the fact that she confided in someone else her problems. But through that small gesture just now, even though she probably hated me more than anyone in the entire world, she showed some measure of affection.. well, I knew she loved me just as much as I did her. However, I'd been right. It was too fucking late. Jules wasn't saying anything. Instead she sat down on the edge of the bed, one hand in mine the other in her lap. I supposed now was the time for me to explain before she left for good. I didn't want her to, I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I took another deep breath, blinked back, and looked over at her. "I love you. No matter what, I'll do everything I can to make up for how I hurt you. Even if you leave, and I wouldn't blame you in the least, I still want to help you.. however I can. I'd let you shoot me but, it's already been done. Twice." I chuckled.
She bit down on her lip, but the smile she tried to conceal was already shining its way through. "Knowing me I'd aim for your leg and hit your groin."
We both smiled, remembering the time I'd taken her to the shooting range. It was after she'd been threatened at knife point at a club. We'd been dating a few months and I just happened to find her in this position. She'd been horribly spooked about the whole thing, crying and so glad I'd been there. She said I had saved her life. The next day I bought her a gun and tried but failed to teach her to shoot. Every time she aimed for the heart on the target she hit the arm, and vice versa. At least she'd be safe though. Then I thought about that last thing.. that I'd saved her life that night. Maybe, maybe not. No way of knowing for sure. I finally shook my head, smiling as I thought out loud "Jules, I know you said I saved your life, but think you're the one who saved me."
An awkward silence pursued. I knew I had said the wrong thing.. but inner monologue was hard to come by when you couldn't gather your thoughts, being asleep for so long. Jules bit down on her bottom lip. It was something she did when she was anxious. Silently I begged her to say something. At last she did. "I'm just glad your going to be okay." she mustered a small smile. She stared down at the white spotted linoleum titles beneath our feet. "Marc, I can't do this." she looked away as she spoke briskly. Ow. Nothing had hurt more than that, not even getting shot. Lifting herself off the bed she turned to face me grabbing her hand back.
It wasn't fair. If she didn't want me back why'd she come? For her own guilt? I couldn't change her mind in her thoughts that she was at fault for this. No matter how much it wasn't, she still held that guilt. And maybe that's the only reason she still loved me. She sighed, tears beginning in free fall down her cheeks. "I think, we need time. Time to figure things out. Space...apart. And I'm so sorry," her voice cracked as she held back more tears. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
When I reached out for her she pulled back, whimpering to herself. Her eyes were now glued to the floor. "Jules, please," I tried to reason. She shook her head, hugging her arms as she stood several yards away from me. I didn't understand, why was cheating on someone once the end all of every relationship? If you really loved someone you could look past that. And it had nothing to do with her. I could've told her how I felt, that I thought she'd done the same thing but on an emotional scale. She always ran to her friend for help, not me. Only when she felt better or when she had her problem solved did she want me. It had made me feel like she didn't trust me enough. I didn't mind her having friends, even guy friends. But what hurt the most was how she had never learned to trust me. And if she didn't, then why should I be worthy of that? In my mind.. this was my reasoning. Why I had done it I didn't even know now. Only that there was still that same horrible person I was five years ago inside of me.
"You cheated on me," she cried harder. Suddenly I fought the urge to say the same thing. She parted her lips once again, "And foolishly I still love you baby. But I can't right now."