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Life is beautiful and I am okay and I am glad to be alive.

Really.

Concretely. I think this guy I was sort of seeing has gotten me down a bit with the whole, "let's be friends... at least for now... don't count on anything happening" thing.
I do deserve better and honestly as much as his kisses made my heart swell, I don't know if it's good for me. If anything were to happen, you know?
(When I say "anything happening" I mean the prospect of us being officially in a relationship.)

I'm going to look back on this set description as a sign probably.

I don't plan on texting him (first anyhow) all weekend until I get back at least. The last I heard from him was a happy Thanksgiving text.

I'm home for the weekend. So are most of my schoolmates.

I have at least one best friend. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Maybe I needed to have that guy in my life in order to show me how I could be in a relationship if I wanted. How to do it. To teach me how to kiss and cuddle and do it right. He was romantic and I liked him and I still do like him. But I like the him from when we were somewhat together for that short time.

Third, I'm not the jealous type. I'm an insecure type. I torture myself mentally thinking there are a million things in the world better than me and if for a second I think I'm better I feel guilty and that I'm not worth demanding respect on behalf of. I know that this is not the case. But that is not what I feel. I make mountains out of molehills in my head.
I am sorry that I'm making such a big deal out of you. You will probably never know that I've written poetry about you.
I internalize what I feel. I'll put it to words on paper and hide it and I will keep it in my head and I will post it in the set descriptions on polyvore because I know you likely wouldn't check here.
I am sorry that I was docile. I promise you that I didn't want to be. I just didn't think it was okay. Because of Sara.
I know she must have broken up with you. I know she is probably over it. But I don't know where you stand.
There's so much I want to say to you and so much I want to say to you in letters I will never send.
I don't want to keep writing them but they come anyway.

I need to sleep.
But life is better than it's ever been.
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