But you weren't happy the day I watched you go. And all the things I wished I had not said are played in loops 'til it's madness in my head.
You Could Be Happy//Snow Patrol

*Edit: Thank you so much for all the likes I've gotten on this, and thank you to Polyvore for putting this set in Top Sets :D*

Flashback: 6th grade, after recess, back in homeroom. Jake Z. and I are having an argument/discussion about our friend. That year, all the nerdy guys were obsessed with Twilight. I kid you not. And our friend was one of those people who were reading Twilight. That's irrelevant. Anyways, Jake was sitting next to our friend when he saw something.

"Anh, you know he's emo, right?"
"Would you shut up? What's your definition of "emo", anyways? And he's NOT emo, whatever the hell that means."
"Well, let's see... he's pale, never says anything-"
"If you're going to go by those two things, then that's pretty stupid. You're pretty pale, too! And he's just shy. Quiet. Doesn't mean anything."
Of course, I had expected all of this from him. Many people said this about our friend. Deep down, I knew all of this myself. But what he said next really caught me off guard.
"Well, he like scratches himself too!"
"Whoa, what?!"
"No, yeah! I was sitting next to him, and I saw that under his desk, he was scratching his wrist with his pencil!"
"Seriously? Are you kidding me?"
"No, I'm not!"
"That's... kinda gross."
Up until then, I had had no experience or exposure to any form of self-harm or depression whatsoever. That is my earliest memory of it.
Flashback over.

Flashback: 8th grade, after school, walking home from the late bus. My friend Mike M. and I are walking down the street when he tells me something about my friend. By now, I had heard almost everything under the sun about him. So what came next shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. Now that I look back on this, I just think... I was so immature. I didn't know anything, did I?

"So hey, are you still friends with him?"
"Yeah, we hung out a few weeks ago. Why?"
"Guess what?"
"What? Is it about him?"
"Yeah. Yesterday morning, I saw him in the library."
"Okay... so? He goes there every morning."
"How would you know that?"
"I'm his friend-okay, just tell me what happened."
"I saw him in the section where there's like depression and suicide help."
"No way! Seriously?"
"Yeah. You think that he's..."
"NO. At least, I don't honestly think so."
"See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, you too."
Flashback over.

I bring this up because a few nights ago, I was just contemplating on these two memories. About how I was so naive and childish and stupid.
When I was younger, I had heard a few stories about suicide. I thought, it made no sense for people to hurt themselves! Why would they want to do that? And to kill themselves? Why would they want to miss out on life? But most of all, I thought that it would never happen to me or anyone I knew.
Boy, did that turn out to be wrong.
Wow. I'm such a hypocrite.
And when I heard these things about my friend, again, these were the first real life exposures I had had to any of these. It's not like I didn't hear about this online. By now, I had been on Polyvore for over a year, and I got to meet some people. 
But to have to face it in real life is really scary. Online, you can hide behind pixels and computer screens... or bare yourself out for everyone to see.
This really terrified me, to hear this about my friend. But I thought nothing of it because I thought that the guys were joking.
Now... I don't know if it's true or not. 
I don't suppose I ever will.
This person isn't my friend anymore.
"You could be happy, and I won't know." 

Also, I stayed after school yesterday to rehearse Romeo and Juliet. On the late bus, I sat with Dom, someone I've known since 1st grade. He's pretty funny. And both of us used to be friends with this one certain person. Still, I had to wonder...
"Hey, Dom, are you guys still friends?"
"Me and him? Yeah, why wouldn't we be?"
"Well... I don't know. Actually, I do. I just think it's so weird... I mean, he's like best friends with Gary now, but in elementary school, they hated each other! What's up with that?!"
"Yeah, I know what you mean. He's kind of in the middle, between the dark side and the good side."
"The dark side? Who's that?"
"Anh, who do you think I mean? It's like the popular people, and then there's the people who think they're so cool, the followers... HIM."
*here, we laugh*
"Ah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean!"
"But yeah, sometimes, I get mad at him for crossing over to the dark side, you know?"
"Yeah. This is my stop. See you tomorrow, Dom."

This... just kind of changed me a little bit. 
I wasn't alone. In thinking this, I mean.
I was and still am so mad at him.
What was wrong with us, your old friends?
And I am just so mad because you ditched us to become a follower.
I'M MAD AT YOU.
I'M MAD AT YOU.
I'M MAD AT YOU.
And I think it's kind of pathetic... I've been here, thinking it was all my fault.
Well, part of it was me. I admit that.
But you weren't completely innocent. I didn't want to blame you for that, though.
But now I know that there's someone who feels the same way that I do. It's like, I'm not completely unjustified in my thought!
I'm mad at you for crossing over to the dark side.
And I'm mad... because you seem so happy. Most of the time, you have a bit of a smile or a happy face or you're always interested in talking with one of your new guy buddies now. Other than the times when I see you in the hallways-then you just look bored, like everyone else.
But I can't even look you in the eyes.
Because when I do, my stomach turns topsy-turvy, and then I can't stand it.
How are you so happy when I'm so sad?
So I always look down whenever I see you. But then there's a part of me that always rushes to spot you out in a crowd.
I'm always running to find you. In the hallways, sometimes, I'll purposely go a certain way, just to see you.
So maybe I'm doing it because I'm trying to see... see if there's still a part of the old friend that I loved. Trying to see if there's still a part of the old friend that talked to me about crazy things, and let me be hyper and crazy around you. 
Or maybe I'm doing it out of bitterness and revenge. Some twisted part of me wants to think that by you seeing me, you would regret everything you've done. Or maybe you'd see that hey, she's so happy without me, and now I want her back. 
*sighs*
I just want some answers. Having no answers is even worse than having bad ones because having none will always make me wonder what they were. 
But then I wish I could restore it to the way it was.
"But you weren't happy the day I watched you go."

I remember the times when I thought I was broken. And I hoped that you would be able to see it, and help me, because I thought that out of all my friends, you'd know how it felt.
Because of those flashbacks.
And because of those, I secretly hope that you're not happy without me. That you have a bit of a deep dark secret concerning those flashbacks. 
Because I can now relate to those flashbacks. 
Not the second one, really, but the first one, yes.

I know now that I'd never take you back as a friend... or as something more. You've done too much to me for that to ever happen. And I don't want that, anyways. I just want to forget you, like I often do with my words. And I bet you just want me to let go. In fact, I can almost feel it whenever I'm near you: just let go because I have, and leave me alone.
Don't worry about me. 
I bet you don't even worry anyways.
I've found more worthwhile people. And I'm so happy and lucky that I have them.
No one will replace what we had, though.
I sound so damn sappy.
--------------------------------------------------------------
On the bright side, Rachel told me that... SHE AND SAM ARE GOING OUT.
Seriously.
HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR THEM! 
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!
She told me that they've been going out since last week, and that only a few people knew.
I guess Matt was right.
He doesn't know yet, but she said that I could tell him, as long as she was there when I did.
I accidentally told Jake (not the one from the flashback) and Ezra-or rather, they figured it out. But she never said I couldn't tell anyone... still.
I'm so happy for them <3
All right, I'm publishing this.
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Comments

10 comments

chantellethaler
Wrote 5 years ago
this is actually gorgeous ♥

claramd
Wrote 5 years ago
My favourite one!

helleka
Wrote 5 years ago
Congrats on top sets! :)

de-si-ree
Wrote 5 years ago
awesome! congrats on top sets!

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I would like you to do sets that represent some part of you, shows how your feeling or even show who you are and what you love or maybe what you don't like, up to you.
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*edit 1-24-13*
Here is a new thing that I decided to add to Be Positive;; Get Popular!
I'm trying out a fun new idea: SET OF THE DAY AND SET OF THE MONTH (!!!!) in this group! So everyday (or at least everyday I CAN) I will pick a set ENTERED IN THE GROUP to be the set of the day & make an announcement with the set link! So you & your set will be advertised to 5,000+ polyvorians! :D
Also, at the end of each month, I will put all the named "set of the days" I picked in a collection to be voted for SET OF THE MONTH!
I'll ask all the members of this group to vote
for the SET OF THE MONTH! & That set will be re-advertised & be put in a special collection! (:
 
I think that would be a really fun idea & a great way to keep polyvore active & fun!
Make sure to enter all your sets to this group! ♥
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Created: 1-16-1O ♥
Reached 1OOO members on 4-1O-1O♥
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