it's now or never

wednesday, september 1st, 2010 ;

sup dudes. this set's looking rather emotional. ruh-roh.

{ green isle high }
Savannah Jade Crezski


I was glad that everybody basically forgot about that little show that Anthony and I had put on after the football game. I guess you could call it a hook-up, but more public than usual. Oh, well. Scar kept poking me about it but I felt indifferent. For a second, I felt like there was something between me and Anthony but after what happened, we hardly ever talked.

I was cool with that. Used to it, really. I didn't have any hard feelings, but I was a bit confused when, after I finished shoving everything into my locker at the end of the day, he was standing there next to me when I closed the locker door. "Um, hey." I mumbled.

"Hey." He said, smiling lightly.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. And you?"

I chuckled awkwardly and leaned against my locker. I shrugged. "Was about to go home, you know." Today was a really long and slow day for me. It was the time of the month again, and not in the feminine way. It was the time to visit him again. I wasn't dreading it, but every month that this day came, I usually was down. Maybe that explains why Scarlet finally dropped it, and everybody seemed really moody around me.

Anthony just nodded lightly, running his fingers through his hair, making it a bit messy, before slipping his hands into his pockets. "Are you going to Nolan's tonight?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Why not?"

He's pushing it. I wasn't going to tell him. Nobody knew except for Jacob. It was going to stay that way. "Because I'm not going." I didn't mean to sound cold, but when the words came out, it sounded cold.

"Um," Anthony gulped, "sorry."

I shook my head quickly. "Nah, don't worry about it. I'm just... not in the mood to go."

"Is Jake gonna go?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Ask him."

"Okay." Anthony looked disappointed. "It sucks you're not going, but I'll catch you later." He said and waved goodbye.

I just smiled and nodded, turning around to head for the parking lot. Everybody was getting into their rides, and I was strapping on my helmet and climbing onto my bike. "Savannah." I heard someone call.

I turned around and saw Jake. "What's up?" I asked him.

"It's the first..." He mumbled. "You're going?"

I nodded. "You know I'm going."

"Okay. I was just making sure."

"Are you going to Nolan's?" I asked, curious.

Jacob just shrugged, inhaling deeply. "I haven't really thought about it. We'll see. I'll tell you if I do, though."

With that, I drove off. I didn't stop by the house. I never did. This was how it always was. After school, on the first of every month... it was the day he died. I would go to the cemetery, visit his grave. Sometimes I'd leave flowers, sometimes candles. Sometimes when I'd come back, there would be new flowers or new candles, so somebody else was visiting him as well.

It was a fairly long drive, out of town. We haven't always lived in this little Minnesota town, and my Mom didn't go to school here, which was where she met my father. Oddly enough, though, my father's parents were originally from St. Cloud, so he was buried there. It was about a two hour drive from our town, but I didn't mind.

When I got there, I turned the engine off and slipped out of my helmet. This time, I left it on my bike. I usually carried it with me and just set it on the grass, but I didn't feel like it today. I walked, knowing every step even if I was blindfolded, knowing every name of a dead person's tombstone I had passed until I finally reached his.

Damien James Crezski. February 23rd, 1977 - March 1st, 1994. Gone, But Never Forgotten.

It felt weird to see his birthday every time, because I was born just the day after it. I touched the engraving of his last name. My mom didn't know that I changed it on my school papers, and wrote it on every test. The only surname she agreed to was hers if I didn't want to take Jonathan's. I wanted neither. I wanted my father's.

"So, I wrote this for today." I whispered, pulling out a letter from my jacket pocket. I always wrote him letters, every night to be exact. Whenever it was his death anniversary, I would write a letter that I would read to him. Or his grave, anyway. Sometimes I'd address it to Damien, sometimes Dad, sometimes just D. Either way, they were all to him. I've been writing them for a year now.

"Dear Damien," I started reading, "Sixteen years and five months. Sixteen years and five months since you've been gone, yet I've only known you for the past year. I'm sorry. I know it isn't your fault, or my fault, maybe not even Mom's fault. I guess she was hurt. I still ride my bike and hopefully you aren't so against it like Mom is. I wish you could see me now, or that I could see you now. You would've been doing great things right now. I know it. I've only seen a few pictures of you and it's all from Mom's old yearbooks, but you already know that. She tells me I look like you a lot, and I don't argue. I just wish I could see for myself, in person. Anyway, I'm gonna cut this short. I miss you, even if I didn't get to know you. And... I love you."

I folded the letter again and slid it back into my pocket, wiping a tear away from my cheek. I sucked in a deep breath and shut my eyes, feeling another tear come. I managed to brush it off before it slid down my cheek. I sniffled, opening my eyes and biting on my upper lip. I know I hated breaking down in front of anybody, but I always did when I visited my father. "It's always been you, Dad." I mumbled.

With that, I stood up and kissed my hand before setting it on the engraving of my father's name. I inhaled one last deep breath before I decided that this time, I would leave my letter here. I took it out of my pocket and lay it down on his grave, placing a rock on top so it wouldn't fly away. I turned around and walked back to my motorcycle, ready for a long ride home.

* * * *

When I got home, Jake was just pulling into the driveway. He told me he just got home from Nolan's, and I didn't even realize the time. It was nearing ten o'clock. I cursed under my breath, knowing that my mom would get on my case about this the minute I walked in. Jake just patted my back, knowing that it was coming for me.

I let Jake walk in first, noticing that Jonathan was just putting away the dishes and my mom was at the sink, washing them. "Hey, Dad. Samantha." Jake greeted Jonathan and my mom. We always called each other's parents by their first names; they didn't mind.

I didn't say a word as I followed behind Jacob, trying to make my way up the stairs without being called out by my mom. Jonathan had noticed me, but he didn't say anything. I was kind of glad that he was that type. He gets me, I guess. However, I wasn't safe. I heard my name being called and she sounded annoyed. "Savannah."

I stopped in my tracks and walked to the end of the staircase, sighing. I heard Jacob chuckle softly at me before he disappearing into his room. "Yes?" I simply asked.

My mom came out of the kitchen and I saw Jonathan peek in, throwing me a grin that clearly meant 'good luck'. I just raised my eyebrows at him that meant 'thank you'. We've gone through this enough times that we could use facial expressions to communicate. "Where have you been? You haven't been home all day. I know what time school ends, you know. And this hasn't been the first time."

I made that mistake sometimes, not taking in the time and distance. Only a couple of times, though, maybe three or four. "Sorry, Mom, I was just hanging out with a couple people and got sidetracked."

"Yeah, I'm sure of it." She rolled her eyes. "You think I haven't noticed anything, Vannah?" 

"Noticed what?" I played dumb.

"Four times. Always on the first. What is it?" She questioned me sternly.

"Coincidence?" I chuckled like it was supposed to be obvious. "God, Mom, I said I was sorry, okay?"

Jacob came down out of nowhere and he was stammering. "Oh, uh, sorry Sam. I forgot to tell you that she was at Nolan's house, too."

"Jacob," my mom sighed, "don't cover for her."

"Mom, it's true." I groaned, lying. "But I just went straight there after school instead of dropping by the house."

I knew my mom wasn't buying it, but she wasn't going to argue anymore. She just exhaled deeply and shook her head with her eyes closed, walking away. I muttered out a 'thank you' to Jacob as we walked up the stairs.

She didn't need to know.

[ Comment with DAMIEN if you read all that. ]
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i love those shoes!

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i've been wanting a similiar strappy boots for ages, i just can't seem to find one ARGH! it's so frustrating :( .. BTW lovely set !

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heavy -Liz.

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