“Thursday January 3rd: Even though its winter, the hamptons are still a fabulous place to go relax throughout the year. School is returning soon and why not relax next to the snow, chilling with your friends and shopping at those cute boutiques.”

Mother and Father had returned to good ole France and here I was returning to my place whilst everyone else was living it up in the Hamptons. I would be there too,yeah if one we had a house in the Hampton’s,you know having two apartments in New York and then 3 houses in France are enough for my parents. Also my mother just hates the Hamptons.

So here I was alone in New York and somehow I was happy about being alone in my apartment. 

I threw my bag in a corner,saying goodbye to your parents was somehow emotionally draining and at the same time emotionally relieving. There is n logic to those kind of feelings but hey that’s life I guess. 

I already missed all the japanese I spoke with them because I really hardly ever get to speak unless I went to my favourite Japanese joint or I was watching anime or something. I somehow suddenly started to look forward to meeting Bai and Lu who were adopted from the same Orphanage as I was. Bai was much older then Lu and I but that didn’t matter most of the time. It’s strange how my parents made sure that Bai,Lu and I would be friends and every month or so we would meet up and hang out and chat. Out of everyone They have been the most constant friends I have ever had. I smiled at the thought. I knew that we were going to go and visit Lu and her photo shoot because she was a model and so was Bai hence they were always so super busy. Mother sometimes suggested that perhaps I should go into the business ,I laughed when she said that since she was my mother obviously she thought I was pretty she was obligated to feel like that. She loved me. I don’t think I am pretty or even strange looking enough to be a model. I am tallish but still,nowhere as pretty as Bai and Lu or as Olivia. Why did she pop into my head. Why did I say that about Mat’s girlfriend. I shook my head as if that meant that all thoughts of them would just fall out of my mind. They did not but I could still hope for that right ? 

I brew the third cup of tea of the day and tried hard to find some biscuits. I looked around every cupboard none could be found I was somehow sad. I had no biscuits for my tea. I didn’t want to leave the house again. Would it be bad to send the doorman on an errand to get me biscuits. I felt awfully dramatic sadly and just decided to roll on the floor because I didn’t know what else to do . 

Then there was a knock on the door that completely puzzled me ,why was there someone here to knock on my door. I was genuinely confused about this knock and for a second or two believed it was my imagination . But then there it was again ,that knock,it was string and firm but somehow soft and tender. Can a knock even be like that ? I got up and headed for the door. Maybe it got some mail. I was somehow excited that that prospect. Maybe I received a packet with biscuits. Okay my mind was going slightly crazy there.

I opened the door cautiously and there he stood. Mat with a goofy smile on his face in his hands a packet and in the other a Movie.

“Mat?”,I said confused.

“Yani”,he said happy.

“Why are you not in that Hamptons like everyone else ?”,I asked him. He laughed slightly.

“Why would I be there if I know for a Fact that you are coming home today ?,he said smiling charmingly. He invited himself in and dropped the packet of on my counter and threw himself on my sofa. He got comfortable in his spot,next to the window,because he liked the view. 
“Yeah do come in ,kind sir”,I said and shut the door.
I had mixed feelings about his presence. I was happy but I tried hard not to be too happy about it.

"Per chance do you have biscuits ?",I asked him. He raised a brow.
"No,but I can get some for you if you want to ?",he offered I shook my head immediately. I didn't want him to go through all that trouble just to satisfy my sweet tooth. 
"I am just going to have some tea without it",I said slightly sad.
"But how can one have tea without biscuits ?,he said feigning a dramatic tone.
"Times are hard sir. Biscuits aren't a luxury I can afford ",I joked back whilst pouring two cups of tea.
"My fair lady if that is the only luxury thou needs I will be happy to supply it",he told me. I laughed.
"And how may I repay such kindness ?,I asked him as I moved over to sit next to him. He grinned.
"Your hand in marriage of course",he said and kissed my hand as I gave him his cup of tea. I felt a tingle all over my body even thought I knew it was innocent. 
I couldn't help but smile. 
"I think I would be too expensive of a habit",I told him and took a sip of a tea.
" A habit like you I would love to keep",he said smirking. I started giggling. Our hypothetical conversations always amused me.
He laughed slightly and winked at me.
We silently drank our cups of tea,sitting in the spots we always sat looking at the beautiful view of New York City in front of us. 
"It is good to have you back ",Mat said quietly.
"Where you that bored without me ?",I asked him.
he turned to face me.
"Terribly Terribly unamused",he said smirking slightly.
"I am sure you girlfriend could have amused you".
The smile suddenly vanished from his face and he turned away. I sat there in silence.
“What happened ?”,I asked cautiously.
“I haven’t been sleeping well and I just missed you. I just miss you so much,too much. I shouldn’t miss you like that. But I do. And when we don’t talk I can’t sleep and when I know you are not next door I feel unease. I don’t know what to do with myself when you are not around. And I don’t think I am suppose to feel that way about you Yana”,he confessed. My eyes widened. He said everything I ever wanted to hear from him. But the context was wrong and the timing wasn’t right. I sort of wanted to hurts into tears. 
“This means you don’t want me to see you anymore right ?,I asked him. He looked hurt by that suggestion.
“No”,he said with a soft sadness.
"So ,you and Olivia ?",I asked again. I didn't know what he meant to tell me.
"We are kind of okay at the moment",he simply said. 
He never indulged me. And I hated that. What did that even mean.
"Would you care to explain ? You promised you would on New Years Eve",I reminded him. He looked pained but he wasn't one to break promises so it looked like he was fighting with himself about what to do . 
"I mean when I saw you at the party both of you were dancing and prancing around all happy,kissing in front of everyone. The perfect image of a couple in love ",I said ,my thoughts just running without filter.
Mathias looked at me with a confounded expression on his face.
"You didn't talk to me that evening. And I saw you leaving and I was wondering where you were going. I knew then oh Time square like you told me but Olivia wanted to stay with the others but I wanted to be with you too. You are my friend too",he explained.
The mention of the word comforted me but also pained me. 
"I left and we thought about everything. About how things weren't quite the same anymore",he told me.
I watched him carefully,he looked like a child.
"And ?",I wondered.
"I love Olivia ,I really do. And I want it to be okay because we have been together for so long but things aren't the same and I can't figure it out ",he told me. For a second or two I wanted to yell leave her ,leave her now . I will be with you. But i didn't because I shouldn't do things like that. 
" What do you mean by wrong ?",I asked him.
He bit his lip.
"They aren't how I think they should be",he said vague. I tilted my head.
"The things you say make no sense. You say one thing and then say another. You are confusing me. Do you love her or not ? Are you guys going to be together or not ?",I asked him. Those were the questions of importance.
"Why does it matter to you ?",he suddenly said ,staring at me intensely.
"Because that's what you are questioning",i replied when in reality it mattered to me so much because then I would now where we stood.
"I love her",he said sober.
"Then you love her",I repeated.
I looked away. It hurt,it really did.
I tried to smile but it didn't come out.
"Your smile is all crooked doll face",Mathias said.
I stuck out my tongue.
"Cheer up. I am back now",I said.
"I know. There is no reason to be sad. You are back and I love Olivia. Everything in life is good again",he said.
When he mentioned her it pained. We were in the same breath but meant different things to him. 
Would I ever be able to understand.
It is beyond friendship now these feelings that I harbour.
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